Please don't judge me!

[hopefully2019]

Hi guys.
this is eating me up and I really don't want any negative comments even though people are entitled to opinions.
I am 27 and my baby boy is 5 months old.
He's teething awfully bad and I'm breastfeeding. He isn't sleeping and neither am I. He was born 6 weeks early so it's been a rough few months or so!

Lastnight I slept 40 mins from 12:40-01:20. He was tossing and turning and constantly needing to be help or be latched on.
He had his bedding changed 3 times in 5 hours due to putting his hands in his mouth and then being sick. I am exhausted and upto my eyeballs in uni work(third year social care student). He was on the bed next to me screaming and as I lent over to reach for his nappy caddy...I slapped his leg, it wasn't with force. It was just a reaction. I have cried all day because of this. I feel like the worst mum ever. I love my baby so so much and I know the signs of post natal depression and how to spot it. I wouldn't say I am suffering myself but am just exhausted. Please can someone hopefully make me feel better about my reaction to the crying. I beg if someone can help me!

I'm not going to judge. It sounds like you're punishing yourself enough.

Do you have any other support at home or is it just you? You sound exhausted and in need of as much sleep as you can. Can the coursework wait a while to try and take the pressure off?

I don't think anyone can make you feel better about what you've done as you know it's wrong, very wrong. You took your frustration out on a baby that's done nothin wrong. Next time take yourself away and scream into a pillow.

Have you got someone to help you for a while?

The best thing is to think about strategies for coping better next time something like that happens.

I’d talk to your gp about how you’re feeling at the moment. There is support out there.

OP you need to speak to someone in real life .
Take a few days and try and establish a routine , where you are getting rest.

This is absolutely not acceptable.

You sound like you are having an incredibly tough time and it is having an effect on your mental health. That wasn’t a healthy or ok reaction, but you know that and I’m not judging or trying to make you feel worse but you do need to think about how to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I agree to contact your GP.

OP Is it just you and baby? Is there anyone else living with you?

It’s totally normal to feel frustrated with a baby, especially if you’re sleep deprived and they’ve been crying a lot. There’s been many a time with my daughter that I’ve thought ‘GRRR, just go to f’n sleep!’.

Those feelings are totally normal. However, it’s how you react to that anger/frustration that matters. It should NOT have escalated that far. If you ever feel yourself getting angry/frustrated to the point where you think you may lash out, put baby down in a safe place and WALK AWAY. It’s fine to let them scream for a couple of minutes whilst you collect yourself. Listen to music, make a cup of tea, scream into a pillow... anything but lash out at your baby. I can kind of understand why you did it, but I cannot condone it. It is NOT acceptable, though I’m sure you know that and are already beating yourself up enough. Please seek help. I am worried that this may escalate further.

Yes, babies can be incredibly frustrating and there have been many times that I’ve had to walk away and take a deep breath, but they aren’t being deliberately irritating. They are tiny babies that can only communicate by crying.

Please please seek help.

Whilst this website is more for younger babies and particular about shaking babies it does have tips for coping with crying babies you might find helpful

iconcope.org/parentsadvice/

Lack of sleep can make us all do things we regret so please seek help

Next time walk away. Also, top tip, buy a load of the waterproof mattress covers and layer up the bed in alternate layers of mattress covers and blankets/whatever you're using as a base layer to lie on. Then just whip off the soiled one in the night and there'll be a fresh one underneath.

If you feel it's getting too much put baby in a safe place and go and scream and or cry in the bathroom for a minute.
Exhaustion is so tough if you have any help cant they take them for an hour so you can nap.

Also how about bottle feeding in the night?

Best method I had when I was on the thick of it was to leave the room for a few moments, I had twins prematurely and DD was a screamer, which then set off DS, when they were both crying I got that deer-in-headlights fear and would feel my temper soaring, I’d just stand outside the room we slept in, take some deep breaths, repeat that it’s not their fault (give myself a slap if I needed to!) then back into the fray. I know instinct is to not leave them when they’re crying out - but if the sleep deprivation is bad enough, it’s better to let baby cry for a minute or two (providing they’re safe of course) than to force yourself through it.

I have moments from those days I’m extremely ashamed about where my temper got the better of me, I didn’t hit, but came close more than once.

You’re not terrible because you know what happened wasn’t the right thing to do, rather than beating yourself up mentally for it, learn from it, it’s so so difficult to keep rational when you’re severely sleep deprived. Is there anybody else with you and DS?

I don’t judge you. You know it was totally the wrong thing to do, but it’s done now and the important thing is not to do it again.

I have done one thing I’m not proud of when my DTs were babies - I picked up dd roughly and not properly. I absolutely horrified myself, and googled the shit out of coping strategies so that I never did it again, and I never did. The one that I found worked for me was making sure baby was safe (even putting them on the floor) and stepping away to count to ten or however long I needed to feel calm again and then getting back to whatever they needed. Sometimes I’d have to leave the room whilst they were screaming, but as long as they were safe I’d go and collect myself if I needed to.

Don’t be scared to seek help from your hv or gp if you need it for pnd.

Try and forgive yourself for what happened, just make sure you figure out what works for you so that it never ever happens again.

You poor thing. Of course it's wrong to slap a little baby but you know that. If you weren't a good mum who loves her baby then you wouldn't feel so guilty about it.

I agree with everyone else: exhaustion is an utter bastard (we've all been there) and when it all gets too much then make sure your baby is safe, go to another room and shout, scream, swear, punch a pillow, throw something soft and unbreakable or whatever else you need to do.

@hopefully2019 Oh my, you poor thing, that is so so hard. I admire anyone able to study with a baby. That's some superpowers you have.

Please don't be harsh on yourself, one bad night makes anyone crazy, and that is speaking from experience.

As for advice:

• when he is too much, put him down in his bed/your bed/safe space and go make yourself tea. You need to keep yourself sane. If you are unwell, you can't do much.

• when he does not sleep, you can do anything and everything and nothing may work but what worked for us was a) swaddle in a stretchable muslin plus b) dummy plus c) muslin over his eyes. Now all of this is not advised by NHS or SIDS or all of the above and so on, but my baby sleeeeeps now. I also put him on his belly so he has his arms underneath him and that soothes him somehow. I also pat his back/bum.

Good luck.