When the option to breastfeed is taken from you

[Pixiefringe]

My first was born last year with a Cleft lip and palate. The palate was only discovered after his birth and so I did what came naturally and exclusively breast pumped for him for the first 3+ months. I switched to formula because the pumping and washing of parts and everything else involved in ebp was taking over my life and sucking all the joy out of being a mum. I'm so proud of how amazingly he has done with his special bottles and weaning, he is such a happy boy and has been thriving since day one.

My second is due in a couple of months and I developed an autoimmune condition (too outing to say what) pretty much from the start of the pregnancy. It's being managed with medication now and after the birth the meds I will need are either not safe for breastfeeding or 'probably' safe (not good enough for me, I want to know for sure). Due to the medications and the symptoms of the condition itself I am almost certain I will be formula feeding from birth.

Now I know there is absolutely nothing wrong with formula feeding. It was a godsend for me when I was spending hours every day and night pumping, cleaning, sterilising, worrying about output, worrying about how much time pumping was taking away from my time with baby, etc. I suffered horrendous post natal anxiety and I believe the exclusive pumping played a huge part in that. Baby 1 has thrived on formula since 3.5mo and I'm so thankful for it.

I know it's illogical but I feel so sad that breastfeeding, something I just assumed I would do for my babies and really wanted to do and experience, has pretty much been taken off the table by things out of my control. I know it's stupid but I feel like in spite of the medications and condition, I'll be an awful mother to feed baby 2 formula from birth. I know that's not true, but I still feel like it. I know I'll also have people judging me (hated the looks I'd get bottle feeding baby 1 in public and feeling like I had to justify myself by screaming it's breast milk ok!! Never did but it made me feel like crap) and I'm dreading the midwives possibly trying to talk me into breastfeeding after baby arrives and having to justify why I won't be.

I don't know why I even made this thread I guess it's one way of dealing with this. I know I'm very blessed because so many people have much bigger problems. As long as my babies are happy and healthy that's all that matters to me. So why does not being able to breastfeed either of them make me so conflicted and sad

OP it sounds like you’ve had a lot to deal with with your first baby’s condition and your own illness. It’s ok to feel sad about not doing something you wanted to do but you know it’s not something you can change. If anyone asks you why you’re not doing it you’ve got a clear answer and obviously no one would argue with it.

I also think that people can get really sensitive about feeding and maybe some of the people you thought were judging you were actually just thinking you had a really cute baby! Or if he had bottles that looked different maybe they were wondering what they were. I know some people do judge people who formula feed but it’s incredibly common in this country so most people don’t. When you’re hormonal and exhausted it can seem like people are against you when they’re not. Every time my baby cried in public I’d get people say “oh he must be hungry” and I’d want to strangle them thinking they were accusing me of starving my child! In fact I think they were probably just saying any old thing to acknowledge the situation.

There are so many positives for this next baby - you won’t have to exclusively pump (which is exhausting and horrible) so things will be a lot more relaxed. As you say, all that matters to you is that your babies are happy and healthy, and they will be.

Sorry if I'm repeating something you've already heard but there's a fb page called breastfeeding and medication. The lady who runs it is a pharmacist that specialising in breastfeeding. She's amazing.
Might be worth having a chat with her? I'm sorry you are going through so much. Don't minimise it at all. I did bf my first but stopped at 3 months after lots of issues and I still feel bad about it but I've learnt over the years that I did what I could with what I had at the time. Xxxx

It’s totally natural to feel as you do. I think it’s hormones or something. I was completely pragmatic about how I was going to feed my child, until he was born and I became obsessed with breastfeeding him. Now that he’s nine months and I’m feeling a bit more normal I can see that those early feeding months are the blink of an eye in the context of the life of your child. I know hearing this doesn’t help when you’re in the thick of it but I promise you will feel better about it in the future.

As an aside my husband was born with a cleft lip and palate, so I have some understanding from his mum of what you’ve been through. You are very strong and a wonderful mother!

It’s very sad when your choice has been taken away but how wonderful that formula is available in this situation - hopefully once the baby is here you will find the positives for your family.

hey @Pixiefringe, please do not feel bad about your feeding, you are doing the best for your babies and they love you. Happy healthy baby = happy mum and that is all that matters.

As a side note - it would never come to me to judge anyone who gives their baby a bottle. If it catches my eye all I am thinking is "oooh, cute baby being fed by mummy, happy times!".

I just wanted to pop back to thank you all for your replies. Each one honestly means so much to me and I do feel a lot more positive now. You're all wonderful people

I couldn’t breastfeed due to medication. Was told it could be safe but not enough people have done it ’ ... but it was responsible for a miscarriage and is potent stuff so I wasn’t going to take the risk. I was so upset, was something I’d wanted and assumed I could do. It was made worse by unhelpful comments like ‘you can breadtfeed with most medications, join this fb page or ask this person’ 🤦‍♀️ It still REALLY gets my back up.

I did 2 breast feeds in hospital after DS was born because I had time before medication, then fed him formula for the remainder of my 3 day postnatal stay. Midwives were supportive, I only had to explain my choice once and that was put on my notes and respected. No judgement when I got home either by midwives or health visitors.

DS is 6 weeks old so was brought home in lockdown so I’ve not had to feed in public. Which is something I am nervous about. But I think I’ll channel the anger I feel from ‘go ask this lady’ or, my personal favourite, ‘you could relactate so you can breadtfeed, it’s not too late’.

My baby is happy. He is healthy. He’s gaining weight appropriately. I’m on medication (and have been able to use new prescriptions without having to worry) and my partner has a better bond as he can share the feeding (and mummy can have a nap). It was the right choice for our circumstances and I know understand that it really isn’t a bad thing. Would make the same decision again in a heartbeat.

Bottle shaming needs to not be a thing! Sending love OP, you are a fantastic mama who ensured her 1st little one was fed and happy, and will do so with your new little one when they arrive. You’ve got this xxxx

@Keyboard91 just to reassure you, bottle shame isn’t actually a thing. When you get to go out with your baby no one is going to care how you’re feeding him. No one ever said a single word to me in public about how my baby was fed, it would be a bit weird if they had?!

I've really struggled with breastfeeding for reasons out of my control. I've felt a great sense of grief and sadness about it. Everyone has been very supportive, including midwives, health visitor etc. I totally get feeling crap about it and not getting to do the thing you want to do and felt was right for you. No judgement on people who chose to bottle feed. I've come to terms with the arrangement we have, but the whole experience has been much more intense and emotional than I expected.