Testing DC's bonds with NRP

[GiantPinesAhem]

Background is that the relationship split back in 2016, DC's are currently aged 8-13. Pays maintenance a lot of the time, but even on the months he does, it's always significantly underpaid (parts around 60%) at the moment.

He went from having them every other weekend plus extra in holidays, to once a month with extra in holidays, then once a month most months with less extra in holidays, to once a month more often than not but no extra holidays. All his choice, no matter what I try to offer- and he even sat down with them at one point to try to get them agree that once or twice a year would be far better...

I have fought every reduction as much as I could (but the courts don't have any provision for enforcing an NRP to actually have contact), I've always said the kids need to maintain their relationship with him as much as possible, persuade them to go when they don't want to, support them in dealing with whatever gets thrown at them...

However the current situation with COVID 19 means that they haven't been going because he wouldn't have them, he texts the eldest once or twice a week but that's it. I've just realised that they now haven't seen him for nearly ten weeks... and the reason I've only just realised how long it is, is because they're just not bothered.

I thought they'd be missing him like mad, was prepared for the emotional baggage etc, but actually there just hasn't been any! They'll begrudgingly text if I ask them to, but aren't eager, and there's been none of the emotional episodes we usually have for days before and after any visit to him! I was expecting more stress, but instead all stress related to him has vanished!

This time has clearly tested they way they interact with each other, and I'm now wondering if it would be best to stop encouraging the bodies like I always did before? Should I just let them not resume? I thought if they couldn't see him they'd hate it, so I pushed it thinking I was doing the right thing for them, but this has made me think I've had it wrong all this time.

I'd appreciate opinions! If you've actually read all of this, I'm so grateful x

In all honesty I wouldn't keep pushing it if they aren't interested. Suggest they call, text, facetime. Leave the door open to access but I'd stop running around trying to facilitate. It may be when they are a little older they'll start being more interested again. You can I lay hope your ex wants to be more involved with them then.

At the moment you could ask them to write to their dad like a pen pal and do art to send to him. Keeps them amused for a little if nothing else!

My ex sees our 9yo DD intermittently, never anything concrete, basically just when he feels like it. He knows the door is always open to him.

He hasn't seen her at all during lockdown and DD just isn't fussed at all about not seeing him! I've always had to encourage her to call or text anyway, and now if I try she just says she can't be bothered. She's far more relaxed too without her dad dipping in and out of her life at will. He doesn't call her much, maybe once a week for 5 minutes, but sends her an occasional message. Personally I won't be nagging at her to call or text anymore as she seems far happier not doing it.

Kids are often more savvy than we give them credit for, and I do think they get to an age where they see that someone isn't really present in their lives and at that point they focus on those who are such as friends, siblings, etc and the bond with the NRP becomes even more tenuous. As kids get older, I don't see why it's up to us as the resident parent to maintain that bond when the NRP isn't making much effort to do so themselves!

If I were you I'd let your DC give as much of their time/attention to their dad as they're willing to give, without encouragement, and just see how it pans out.

Thank you both, I was really expecting to get flamed!

I was shocked to realise that they just haven't been bothered about it, and I love not having the major stress we had in the days before and after a visit.

They all share a bedroom when they visit, I know they're quite an inconvenience when they're there and they get complained at because they eat very different food to us etc- but it's not a home to them. They feel like inconvenient visitors.

Perhaps suggesting when he does want to see them that he just takes them out for the day or something would work instead of them starting for the weekend. I don't know what I would encourage for holiday time.

@GiantPinesAhem

That can't be a very nice feeling for them! No child likes to feel like an inconvenience to anyone!

I've spent 7 years encouraging the bond between my DD and her dad, which has always been tenuous at best. She talks to me quite openly about not feeling like a priority to her dad, which isn't surprising as he's often cancelled visits because friends have invited him out or he's started seeing someone. I see no reason to encourage her to text/call anymore when it often ends up with her upset or stressed.

It does seem to me like your DC are enjoying this time where they don't have to feel obliged to see their dad. Obviously you know your own dynamic but personally I'd stop facilitating contact and see what the kids want.

I think some kids don't nessisarily show it to the rp if they miss nrp so just cause they haven't said anything dosnt mean it's the case.
My dp hasn't seen his kids for 7weeks as exw new partner is shielding for health reason not hsi choice and he'd be devestates if kids said they didn't miss him. Tbh when we have them. For weeks over summer holsthey don't seem to miss there mom at all as never mention them but I'm sure they do.
Im sorry your ex isn't great but some contact is good but I apprectae it isn't ideal. As long as kids are okay that's main thing

I don't think all kids are better off with two biological parents, in particular when one of those parents can't be bothered.

If I were you I'd stop forcing it. Don't bring it up with the kids as some big life decision. Take their lead, and if they want to see their dad or start talking about him more then get in touch with him to ask if he's available.

My youngest isnt bothered by not seeing his dad his eldest has stopped caring he gets a lot of emotional pressure off his dad normally when he goes over all about how much he loves and misses them and how its all mummy and big sisters fault if they hadnt got him arrested he would still be living with us as a happy family isnt that RIGHT ds then feels compelled to agree even though he knows its a lie it fractured his relationship with his sister too now dad isnt around to do this they are getting on better face timing to play games long distance chatting and being happy again

Dad doesnt contact them really he went 11 days without a text we are recently on day 8 of no contact for no reason I pass the phone to ds when he does text he replies thats it for another few weeks he feels rejected by his dad and lied to as the only phone call we had was off his dad telling us HE was sick bearing in mind his children were showing symptoms at the time he showed no concern for them just himself

I've had a few emotional outbursts off my eldest son usually along the lines of "he doesn't Care!" I tell him he does deep down he just looks at me like I'm ridiculous

@Oggden1 your dp cowardly wants to see them though, my exh regularly skips visits, asks to see them less, complains about the inconvenience, underpays maintenance... that's the environment in which I have constantly been trying to maintain contact. The oldest two can contact him on their own devices at any time, yet don't. I encourage them to talk about him and contact him, but they get in trouble for any mention of home when they're with him.

@slipperywhensparticus that sounds a lot like what we normally have, but there's none of that at the moment, the stress and the outbursts around visits have all gone.

That should say CLEARLY not COWARDLY... Rather changes the context, sorry!

I agree with you DivGirl, you can only facilitate so much before it becomes evident they really are happier without a parent who makes them feel like an inconvenience or flits in and out of their lives when they feel like it.

My DD knows I would never stop her seeing or contacting her dad, and I spent years encouraging her to have a relationship with him, but there comes a point when it becomes evident to DC that their NPR isn't particularly invested. It's sad but it happens unfortunately.

I would take the kids’ lead on it. I wouldn’t bring up the subject of seeing dad but if they bring it up and ask to see him then I’d get in touch with him and let him know they are asking to see him. Then it’s up to him to arrange it with you. But I certainly wouldn’t be pushing anything d

Slippery... think you should stop saying he does care ... just hmmm agree with ur da it's not nice/good ... don't make excuses for him I hated that as a child... I know my mum meant well but just felt like more lies/bullshit better to have your key person honest ...

I know I feel so bad that he is such a shit I never thought for one minute he would EVER be like this he fought hard to see his step son when his first marriage failed he was devastated when they said you can push it but you won't get far its harsh to compare that to now cba with his only biological children