Parenting battle over bedtime - help?

[terryandthechocolateorange]

Super long story short -
I struggled with PND after a traumatic birth. BF my daughter until recently (now 18 months). Used to feed to sleep, now just has a quiet cuddle which I love.

My partner feels as though I am stopping them from having those nice moments as I always put her to sleep. They have asked to start doing it, maybe every other day.

In theory, I don't have an issue with it. However, when they have previously tried to, DD has been hysterical and only wants me. She is still very clingy to me as I had 16 months at home with her and BF for quite a long stretch. When I put her to sleep, there are no tears, no drama. I'm not prepared to stress her out by trying something different right now, plus its my only opportunity to connect with her in a calm and quiet environment (she doesn't sit still from the moment her eyes open!)

Am I being unreasonable here by saying that I'd like to continue how things are for now? If it aint broke, don't fix it?

My partner often gets upset as DD doesn't go to them for comfort and only wants me most of the time, but that is normal right? Or maybe it isn't? I don't know!

I'd be so grateful to read anyone else's experiences - i'm at a loss here.

I can't understand why your partner is willing to stress her out when what your already doing is working

She should try to bond with her in different ways during the day and build up the relationship that way.

And yes completely normal. I BF my 3 year old and still BF my baby now. They both want me when they are upset.

@nahnonever Thank you. And thanks for noticing me playing the pronoun game! Made a similar post not so long ago referencing my wife and people wanted to talk about that rather than the issue I was posting about!

DS is 1 and 50/50 as we’ve always shared everything and do alternate bedtimes / overnights / mornings etc. He was formula fed though so we’ve always shared feeding. He’ll settle equally for both us.

However that’s matterless as you have a routine that works and there’s no reason to upset the apple cart. Why stress her out unnecessarily?

I would encourage him to get more involved during the day / weekends rather than upset a bedtime routine.

I’m sure it’ll pass anyway, she’s still very little.

Apologies for the ‘him’ assumption. I should read properly! Doesn’t change my response though.

Agree with others, no need to stress your child if not necessary. However I also see your wife's point, bedtimes are a nice bonding moment in my house; my husband and daughter are definitely closer since he started putting her to bed. I always fed her to sleep but when we knew her brotherwas coming along we worked on daddy doing bedtime and now 9/10 times she asks for him to do it rather than me.
Maybe agree a gentle approach, do a lot of talking about how much fun it would be for her if she could choose who did bedtime etc, ask who she wants to do it, work as a team so you can both be involved?

I would brain storm either a story time or some type of daily routine so that your partner and child can create something that is just theirs too. All the better if it is part of the bedtime routine.

Who baths her? Dresses her for bed?

My sister and her wife had this as only one of them breastfed their baby, so they made a very concious effort right from the start that the other parent would be as heavily involved as possible. Genuinely at almost 3 years old their son goes to either parent. No preference. But one parent works part time, one works full time but that includes some days working from home so their child had both parents around a lot.

I was a SAHM so my two favoured me as I am here all the time. They are now teenagers but we ensured that from the start Dh was as hands on as he could be.

I agree with others. They need to build on their relationship during the day when you are not around.

Thanks all for your replies!

So we tend to do everything together - bath time, story time etc. Come to think of it, they don't get much if any time to themselves like I get with DD. Maybe that's what needs to change. She has expressed on a few occasions that she finds it hard to find her place - I am so used to cracking on and doing things that she often feels like she can't take over or do even the simplest of things with DD. Which, might I add, I find frustrating as I would LOVE her to do more but assumed she didn't want to, rather than lacked the confidence to. I think they need some time together without me!

I’m going to offer a different perspective. Put yourself in your partners shoes and ask yourself how you would feel? You have set yourself up as the only parent in the house “capable” of settling/ calming down/ comforting the child that both of you created. You are both parents and both need to be able to comfort the child and have a strong bond with them. Be totally honest with yourself, what have you done to encourage the bond between baby and your partner? What special time do they have together that you are not allowed to be involved in? What do they provide that you are unable to provide?
It’s not about deliberately unsettling the child or ruining the routine, it’s about allowing your child to see both parents as being capable of providing that comfort. Yes there may be tears at first but that’s ok because you know it’s not harming baby. It’s just encouraging baby to see it’s ok for your partner to do bedtime.
Are you unselfish enough to let your partner in? And to let baby get used to it?

Sorry for calling out the "she" if that's not what you wanted.

When I was pregnant with my second , my OH started doing bedtimes with my then 2 year old. He done every night during my pregnancy and up until now (baby is 8 months) and she still whinges for me every night 🙄

Personally, I think the baby will always be more attached if breastfed- in particularly if that mum is also the SAHM

@missyB1 I completely understand where you are coming from, and that is exactly my partner's argument I think. Obviously it wasn't intentional but I have now become the only one who can comfort DD. With a horrid mix of PND and anxiety, sleep deprivation (which continues!) and DD being poorly (meningitis), we seemed to have arrived at a point where she is still very focused on me rather than both of us.
We are at a point (18 months) that DD is starting to really understand what is going on now and has started having an active role in her day (choosing outfits, dinner choice etc etc) but still needs help settling at the end of the day and despite us trying to talk to her about it and try to make it sound exciting or fun, she still only wants me. I can't bear to see her upset and I also have horrible anxiety around her sleep so I just continue the status quo. But I hear you, I think i'm the problem here and things do need to change. It wont be long and she will be having stories in bed and a kiss goodnight but we just aren't there yet so I help her drift off in my arms.

I'm going to make an effort to encourage my partner to get involved in other aspects of her daily care and to take some time on her own with her to see if that helps things!

I just read your last post, and was sad to see you refer to yourself as "the problem" , your actually amazing to go through all of that and still want to be the one to comfort her and do her bedtimes when you could easily go and put your feet up and have a night off and leave your partner to struggle.

You have so many years of parenting ahead and your partner will shine in different areas to you when the time is right

Good luck

Complete understand where you're coming from, but I do think you need to let your wife find her own way of doing bedtime, I think its only fair to share that experience.

My DS was the same, BF til 14 months, very clingy to me, but I had to let a few nights of tears and upset go by, I hated being downstairs listening to him upset when I knew I could cuddle him and he would sleep instantly.
now DS and OH have a wonderful relationship, we share bedtimes, actually I do 3 nights he does 1 night, but it's nice to have that break.

How do you know your wife won't be able to or find a way to settle if she's never allowed to try?