Not bonding

[Allsmiles05]

Hello there.
I'm new on here and been advised to find support on here during this uncertain time.
I unfortunately lost a baby in my first 12weeks of pregnancy in 2018 due to him having a rare condition and would not survive past birth. It was amazing to find out that we were expecting again last year as we struggled to get pregnant at all at 1st. Pregnancy was fine, no complications. I now have an 8month old daughter who is happy and healthy and she is growing away lovely. But I am struggling with not bonding with her. I should be over the moon and in love with her at 1st sight but I'm not. I hate saying that as I have longed for a child. And now she is here, 8 months down the line and I am not at that stage of loving her. I'm told that others feel this too but haven't spoke to anyone about this as scared of people's reactions. Please someone help me. Its tearing me apart

Hi OP sorry to hear of your lost child and your struggles now. Have you looked into the possibility you are experiencing PND? I would speak to your GP, no one will judge you!

No one will judge you for speaking out at all.

But, you also shouldn't romanticise parenting. You can run a search on this site as there are many many many posts about bonding slowly and not immediately after birth.

You are doing a great job as she is happy, healthy and growing well. So be proud of yourself.

If you want to speak with someone call your health visitor or ask to speak with a nurse at your doctors surgery (or a doctor if you want but sometimes I find the nurses more approachable).

Do not judge your parenting on anyone else. Don't read FB posts where the other new mums are gushing over every little thing their darling child does. Not everyone is the same.

I think it can be normal for some people. I'm confident I didn't suffer from PND, but I didn't feel any overwhelming love for DS for quite a while. Having a newborn and young baby was really tough for me personally, I hated mat leave, baby groups and the soul destroying relentlessness of it all. Went back to work full time when DS was 7 months and it was the best decision I ever made. Don't get me wrong it's tough and I had to be extremely organised to keep on top of everything in the early days but I felt like I got some of myself back by doing it and was able to appreciate the time I spent with DS in a way I took for granted before. He's 15 months now and I see him in a completely different light, particularly as he's so much more interactive now. Can honestly say I love the bones of him and watch him while he sleeps in complete wonder at how he could actually be something I created. I'd never have believed it possible I'd get to this stage, but I did.

That said, if you feel you may have PND it's definitely worth exploring with your GP

I felt like this after traumatic birth and my twins being in NICU for months after their birth, I loved them, but I didn’t feel that love in any kind of noticeable way for a long time, I think it was because life changes so dramatically when you become a parent (especially for the first time) that a lot of those early months are spent treading water. It can be overwhelming and so those warm feelings, whilst there, are muted due to the sudden responsibility, second guessing (for me), sleep deprivation, monotonous routine. I would recommend you chat with your HV or GP, sometimes just having somebody to say it to can help and, as suggested by a PP, you may be in the midst of PND without realising. I hope you can see you’re doing a good job, your DD is growing and happy and healthy, she’s thriving!

As a mum to three but only have two DC that are still with me, I would like to add (I’m sorry if this comes across poorly) that whilst you have your lovely DD, you’re still allowed to feel sad for your previous loss

Thank you for your kind words in your posts above. I will try and contact my health visitor and see what she can suggest in this strange, confusing time. If any other suggestions come your way, please share them with me as they could help if not alot then a little would be great.x

This will sound strange maybe but with my DS and my first I knew that I was pregnant and felt him kick, saw the scans etc £He was born and compared to some it was a pretty good labour approx 12 hours. I remember so well the doctors putting him on me after an episiotomy and thinking oh wow it’s a real baby and he is mine. I think I had a bit of PTS afterwards as the first night was amazing and I just felt so proud of my son then for a while after I felt so detached, probably due to the lack of sleep and complete lifestyle. I remember functioning with his needs and feeding us and just sleeping but and some nice moments but was just so tired constantly. Around 8-10 months things changed and he started sleeping better and I changed and found his personality started coming thorough too and now 14 years on he is my pride and joy.
Hang on in there and it will come

Definitely contact healthcare professionals though with any concerns you have just to bounce you feelings off and reassure yourself

Hang on in there, you're doing great. I swear the best thing you can do in the first year is spend as little time on social media as possible, you'll only ever see romanticised versions of parenthood there and that's really not what you need in an emotionally vulnerable time like early parenthood where you're knackered and being assaulted by all different kinds of feelings you may never have felt before. You're doing amazingly!