What is 3-4yr age gap like?

[MeadowHay]

We have 1 toddler and we are thinking we will probs TTC soon so there will be say a 3-4yr age gap between our two. I say that because who knows how long it will take. With our first it took about 5 months I think.

What is it like with that age gap? Pros/cons? What were the main challenges in the first year or so? Our first is 'spirited' and was a 'high needs' baby that screamed all the time for about 7 months, and I also had HG, so worried about if both happen again whilst I also have another toddler to care for.

Following with interest, as am due DD2 at the end of August, and will have a 3yr4m age gap. If its any help there is an exact 3 year age gap between my brother and I, and I recall us having a great time growing up!

I have a 3.9 year age gap. Lockdown has added a whole new set of challenges. I was coping well with my eldest (who is now four) in nursery a few days a week but am now struggling with the long exhausting days. He wants to be very active and play chase games while the baby wants to cuddle and feed. However it is helpful that he can go to the toilet and eat without help now, also that he sleeps through the night. If lockdown hadn’t happened I think things would be going well.

4.5 year age gap here. Not what we planned as we were 2yrs+ trying but - actually love it. So glad (in hindsight!) I got a couple of years for my body to rest and recover between breastfeeding/night waking and being pregnant again.
DS1 adored baby brother from day 1; old enough to understand and look forward during my pregnancy; no jealousy at all; no waking up at night/nappy changing for 2 kids at once...
Highly reccomend

My twins were 3 and 3 months when DC3 was born and it's been a lovely age gap. DT1 isn't that fussed but is a very unique child.. DT2 is a wonderful big sibling, very involved and loving, loves helping but understands enough to be very careful and when to give baby space and quiet time.

3 year gap here and it works well for us. When we had DS, DD was fairly independent e.g. going to the toilet, eating meals. She also understood more and could wait better (most of the time). When I was pregnant, she was old enough not to need picking up much e.g. could get in her own car seat, was in a bed. DS is one now and they play together quite nicely (again, most of the time!).

I have a just turned 3 year old and 2 month old and the pluses I can see compared to my friends with a smaller age gap is that my DD had an understanding of what was happening, I could get her used to not being carried so much so after my c section it was easier, she can dress herself (with encouragement), is toilet trained so I don’t have 2 in nappies, is in a bed and not still in the cot, is fairly consistent with her sleep, I don’t need a double buggy and if this virus hadn’t happened she would Have been in nursery a couple of days a week which would have been amazing for both her and me to give me a break and have time with the baby.
Any of the cons I can think of are to do with the difficulties of 2 children rather than the age gap.

Thanks, keep them coming :)

When were your older children toilet changed? We are thinking of giving it a go with DC in the summer when she turns 2 but I'm aware it may not work out. In my small social/family circles almost none of the kids have been potty/toilet trained before 3+. My DM thinks that's really unusual.

Mat leave will be good I think, the plan is for me to be off about 7 months or thereabouts, and DC will continue to attend nursery 3 days a week as normal. Then DH will be on SPL for 3-4 months.

There is about 4.5 yrs between me and one of my siblings and we weren't v close as children. We are quite close now as adults but we had a lot of conflict in childhood and adolescence. More conflict between us than between either of us and the middle child. But of course that could be a lot more due to personalities than age. Also I had to share a room with the younger sibling for most of my adolescence, I think if I'd had my own space we would have got on better.

Are your kids sharing rooms out of interest?

I have just under 4 years between my two. A big plus was that my maternity leave coincided with my eldest starting school. It was nice not to have to juggle work for the two weeks of half days and have the first term free of after school club etc.

They’re now 2 and 6. There’s some frustration from the eldest that they still can’t properly play together, but it sometimes works out and they’ll play together with the dolls house or the big one will read to the little one. They're both very different personalities and I don’t think close in age would have worked at all!

It was absolutely fine. My oldest was potty trained, sleeping through the night, old enough to go to nursery, could entertain himself for short periods, and more independent in daily tasks like getting dressed, and could also be a sweet helper. He had his own established life and friends which continued once the baby is born. This added a helpful layer of consistency and familiarity when he needed it most.
However, he did regress a bit with a baby behaviour, like clamoring for nappies and babbling like a baby.
A 3 year gap is the most common, I think, so your oldest will have friends will similarly spaced siblings, which is very convenient for double play dates.

There is about 4.5 yrs between me and one of my siblings and we weren't v close as children.

Same gap between my younger sister & me. I more or less ignored her most of the time when we were kids, but we started getting on better once I’d gone to uni & very close now. If we’d had to share a room though, I don’t think our relationship would have ever recovered.

I have a 3.5 year gap. The first year was great, stick baby in buggy and off we go, she understood it all etc. Then after DC2 turned 1 I found it incredibly hard. They were at such different paces (ie a day out solo with both became impossible as the younger wanted to look at every blade of grass, eldest was hanging off a pole somewhere). So I regretted it then. But now they are 2 and 5 and actually play quite nicely together and get on fine on the whole (little one can be a shit but he's like that with all of us).
So it's good, but be prepared for the early walking stage to be high stress!

3 year age gap here; before we had our second I was watching friends bash out babies after 15/18/20 months and feeling like I’d perhaps missed the boat, that perhaps we shouldn’t have a second as the age gap would be too big. Now? I’m a complete smug bastard - I LOVE having a bigger age gap.

DD1 started nursery the month before DD2 was born, so was able to spend that time focussing on new baby, while eldest was off enjoying herself. She was also both potty trained and sleeping through by about 2.5 (which FWIW was on the later side for my circle) so only one to deal with at night (most of the time...). Now at 3.5 she dresses herself, can fetch some of her own snacks and plays independently, again taking some of the pressure off. She’s also SO helpful. They don’t even seem that far apart in age and can already play together in their own little way at 3.5 and 6 months. Would highly recommend!!

Hahaha, cross post with @JuniLoolaPalooza - oh well, at least I know what I’ve got to look forward to 🤣

I have a 3 year age group with my dc, honestly I Found it pretty easy, my oldest dc is very independent from 3 he would feed himself, was toiler Trained snd would dress himself he really didn't ask too much from me, he's very strong willed and likes to do his own thing so when I had 2nd dc he wasn't bothered or jealous at all! I would say it depends on your child's personality, Plus he started nursery around the same time which made life a lot easier

I have 3.5 years between mine and agree with everything everyone else has said about independence, understanding etc. I loved that my oldest was in preschool while I was on maternity leave - meant I got time with the baby while he was there in the morning and time with him in the afternoon, and it created a little routine for us.

Now at 4 and 7 they get along brilliantly and always have. They can do things together and although their interests are very different (and it doesn't help that I have one boy and one girl) they do play together.

My oldest was also a high needs baby and I just couldn't think about it for at least 18 months. We started trying when he turned 2 and I was ready, and I'm glad we waited.

3yr 4 months.. Its fine. Eldest was old enough to be excited about baby. Old enough that with free hours we continued to fund part time nursery which helped with routine, stopped any jealousy as not all focused on new baby etc.
Toilet trained at 2 years 8 month so that saved money.
My mum used to take eldest half a day and youngest half a day... So she got time with new grandchild and I got time with my eldest alone. This worked really well.

I had to go back to work after 9 months maternity leave so we had 4 months of both having nursery fees.
They are now both in juniors... They get on well most of the time.. Youngest will miss eldest a lot when moves up to secondary

Aw, NuffingChora, I do have particularly "spirited" kids so yours may be more patient.

We have a 3 year 8 month age gap and during the pregnancy and very early weeks it worked brilliantly. I'm not the kind of person who could have coped with 2 under 2 so a bigger age gap was right for us.

However then lockdown happened and older DD is now at home all the time rather than nursery, which is a bit challenging! Perhaps try and avoid having the baby just before a global pandemic.

3 yrs 2 months between my daughters. Oldest was very independent when youngest was born. The baby ended upon neonatal with undiagnosed issues and oldest understood what was happening and continued going to preschool and stayed with my mum. I did get a buggy board which was handy to get out on decent walks
It's not always easy , they are 2 and 5 now and the 2 yr old annoys the 5 yr old and they fight over toys but that's par for the course with siblings.bThey share a room though and that's working really well.

Thanks ladies! I am feeling more positive about it from this thread. Initially we wanted smaller age gap but then we had DC and there's no way I would have coped!!

Re childcare fees, when number 2 starts nursery, I'm hoping I will be earning more by that point to balance it out...I know we will get the 30 free hrs for DC1 and they're only in 30hrs a week anyway but there could be a few months before they can start it and then we still have to pay top ups which I think are about a tenner a day. So obviously hardly anything in comparison but still more than what we pay now when added to DC2's fees.

sunlight Covid could be about in a big way for years to come couldn't it! So there will be many babies born throughout. It must be so hard with two in lockdown though honestly I feel for you.

We have a 3 and a half year age gap here. Not planned as we unfortunately lost 2 babies but it’s been really good (before lockdown!). Older one can go to toilet, dress, feed and somewhat entertain themselves and help get things for you. They will also be going to school from September so I will have individual time with the younger child and reduced childcare costs. The timings have also worked well with child/baby equipment sharing such as the isofix and cot bed. It has been really helpful keeping our older child in Nursery a few days and I really miss it. So much energy. It has been hard with the 2 together at the moment as they cannot play together/do the same things but I think most people are feeling challenged with children in any circumstance.

@Tobebythesea I feel the same way with my four year old and baby at the moment, I think it was good for him to run about with other kids his age at nursery before all this. I try my best but after a night up with the baby cannot possibly keep up with the energy of a four year old! He can run faster than me these days.

Freaking nightmare in lockdown. 4 yo too young to be left to get on with anything alone and used to school, 18 mo determined to get on with destroying everything in his path. Gets little attention beyond the necessary as 4 yo demanding everything.

It was about perfect pre Covid, as she had pre school then school and the 15 hours free is handy for preschool purposes on maternity...