How do I stop feeling jealous?

[Lottie60]

So I have a 4.5yo daughter, she attended school nursery before lockdown and is due to start reception in September.
I'm having a tough time and don't even know if there's much point in me posting because I don't know if there's anything I can actually do 😔
At the moment I am struggling with the feelingof jealousy. Her peers seem to be so much more:
Happy, active, clever, funny, able, excited, intelligent, willing, focussed. They all want to join in with PE/yoga on YouTube, work sheets from school/nursery. They all engage in play, activities, crafts, games (for "hours" / "this kept them entertained all day" etc). This is the feedback I'm getting from close friends with kids the same age (I trust then to tell the truth and don't sugar coat things) and other friends on Facebook.
My daughter has such a short attention span and won't keep her concentration for longer than a few minutes. She can identify and write individual letters and can write her name but won't do educational work sheets or activities, she can't even blend 2 letters together to make a sound yet some of her peers are writing short sentences! One of her friends (just turned 5) can actually READ and not just kids books... Rohde Dahl!!
My daughter enjoys playing on the tablet on animal care games / 'dress the girl' / 'change her hair' .... that type of game, and would watch YouTube kids for hours if I let her. She has no additional needs. I just can't find anything she likes doing. We have a 2 year old boy and he destroys anything like Lego or jigsaws, and we can't paint until he naps. So I feel limited with choice. I put so much effort into things that take ages to set up, a million hours to clean up yet only get played with for 5 minutes.
I know people usually only put their "highlights" on social media but I'm wondering how I can stop the feeling of jealousy towards other people's children doing the above, playing nicely, doing school work etc. I don't even know 😔 it's just starting to get me down!

Please turn your social media off and just enjoy your little ones.
There's so much focus on 'home education' at the moment it's unhealthy. Set out a few toys and see what happens when you just play with your kids.

Enjoy your girl for who she is, not what she can do in comparison to others.

Have you addressed her attention and focus issue to nursery? You could mention it when you get back.

I doubt there's much out there that could entertain a 4 year old all day. I'm sure it was more they did this for an hour type of situation. Older siblings will be playing together more during lockdown too so what might entertain your daughter for 10 minutes might entertain siblings for an hour because there's more input.

One of my DN is 4 and way behind your dd. On top of that he’s naughty and loves nothing more at the moment than setting elaborate booby traps to catch out his mum and sister, but then getting caught in them himself . Every child is different - just keep focussing on the basics like letters / numbers / pen control / reading and let her get on with play.

I have a 4 year old DS due to start school September too. He doesn't write letters or read words yet either, and I wouldn't say he is behind or anything. I'm working full time from home and I also have a one year old. so I don't really have lots of time to spend one to one with him to teach him to read and write, I'll concentrate on it if he's not back at nursery by June. Short term I'm happy for him to mess about with toys, watch YouTube and play in the garden.

My daughter was the same. She just had zero interest. Then one day, she just decided to engage and began learning. She's still a little behind her peers though.
She's in Year 1 now and I often find her writing stories and she reads stories to her toys happily. She's not as conscious in her writing as other kids and will mis-spell words she knows how to spell etc.

At home, we just make writing and reading a part of every day life in the hopes that as she gets older, she will be on track with her peers. We are writing lots of short letters to family members whilst in lockdown and they write to her which helps.

I used to feel jealous too.
Now I switch off as soon as other mums start boasting/sharing what their kids can do. I also have friends who are obsessive over their kids learning and have to remind myself that it's not the most important thing in the world.

Don't worry about blending sounds or reading letters if she's not interested. Follow what she likes doing and play, and then leave her to find her own entertainment or be bored for a while while you do something for you. Try not to feel she's 'behind', kids learn reading at different times and rates. 4.5 is very very young. I know the education system is different to Denmark so it's not a particularly useful comparison, but here you daughter would not start school for another 2.5 years! Even then learn the letters for the first half a year and then blend the sounds once most the kids are over 7 years old. Cutting and glueing paper, banging drums (pot and pans), bouncing on a bed, putting beads onto string to make necklaces etc are a far better investment in time at 4.5 yo. Lack of manual dexterity is a big problem in school leavers because of course in school so much emphasis is on academic work plus much wider use of screens. Skills essential to be a surgeon or engineer or many other jobs that require manual dexterity and spatial awareness. cutting and glueing is a great way to give her a big head start. Of course also reading to her. Also, I've 'hidden' friends on fb many a time whose posts bring me down, it really works. 👍

My niece was like your friends describe, but no one else saw was that she did not sleep. EVER. After spending just one night with her I was very relieved to return to my destructive, rambunctious kids with the attention span of a gnat. People only highlight the positives.

Hi,
One of the things that is so destructive about social media is that we start to compare our one self or one child to the sum total of everyone else's achievements. It's easy to read that A is reading whole books now and B is writing sentences and C has just built a model city out of twigs and D has uploaded his own video of himself playing his violin and that your poor one child should be able to do all of those things.

Relax. Enjoy this time getting to know your child. FWIW DS2 was in the remedial set throughout infant school for reading and writing. He refused to write his name until he was 7 or 8. Didn't know his alphabet, couldn't form his letters. Then suddenly woke up to what reading and writing could do for him, wrote a story that won an award, went up to top set within a year and by secondary school all the essay subjects were his favourites and he's doing one for uni.

How and when our child develops and what they end up good at and interested in is no one's business but yours and your child's.
you want her happy and you want her willing to fail, learn from mistakes and try again - a bit of resilience can help. You want her to feel allowed to lose herself in what she loves to do and put a bit of effort into anything necessary but hard. And that's it.

Take them for a walk every day, read them a story every day, do a bit of craft - even if it is rubbish (our craft projects always looked like a fox had overturned our recycling bin whereas other people's projects were tidy and immaculate. Who cares?) A bit of cooking or painting or messy play (with water if you can;t face clearing up the dirt) A bit of TV. A bit of being bored and having to entertain herself. A bit of squabbling with her brother (social skills development ) and if it makes you feel better, post the occasional highlight on social media and keep quiet about the rest.

Bit off topic but what is her diet like? Could be affecting concentration.

Ignore your friends, they are being admiring parents but that doesn’t mean they are accurate. Avoid social media and just enjoy your daughter’s smile. Stop wishing she could do stuff she can’t. She’s 4.5 for heaven’s sake. You’ll give the poor kid a complex.

I wouldn’t worry too much, though screen time can affect concentration so it might help to keep an eye on that.
My dcs are older and I can tell you that sometimes the ones who seem to not be ahead at school at 4 and 5, can do really well at secondary and GCSEs.

Just enjoy your dcs, do work with them on a level that’s right for them so they’re encouraged and not disheartened, do interesting activities with them, show them interesting stuff on YouTube or tv and take them to interesting places when lockdown is over.
If you foster interests and a love for learning, that will work better in the long run

When a lot of parents talk about this it’s boasting and showing off. Don’t let it worry you too much, she sounds totally normal to me (I have a just turned 4 year old starting reception in September too)

I'll mirror others, stay off social media. Just maybe this week?

I raised my boys pre- Facebook and I'm so glad all I see now is snapshots of perfect lives, walks on the beach (minus meltdown because the wellies were wrong) homeschooling stuff (who cares) and it's just nonsense.

Just remember every post on social media has a purpose and motive, every single one.

If I could rewind to 4 my boys would of loved a sofa den, snacks TV, cuddles and maybe making a mess with mixing cakes, or playdoh, nothing more elaborate than that.

Neither of mine could read before school, but loved books.. they are still small to focus on big long tasks.

I hope you are ok, but please ignore the posts, even if they are your friends they won't be posting to hurt you.

People often exaggerate just as a turn of phrase - a bit like when people say ‘there were a thousand people in the queue!’ when what they mean is, it was quite a long queue.

So your friends may say ‘kept them entertained all day’ but not really mean that or expect you to think they mean it.

Today I referred to my toddler having ‘hours of fun’ with something that he probably only did for 15 minutes - but he has such a short attention span, my point was that he liked doing it and did it for a while!

People might not be boasting - just not expecting you to take their language literally. I don’t know if that maybe helps with perspective a little?

My daughter had no attention span at that age either. She didn’t have so much screen time though as we didn’t have tablets (only 8 years ago). In her case it was part of her ASD which was not evident at 4.

She was slow to learn to read and is now scoring the highest in her year in year 7 at a very good secondary. A couple of her hot housed friends refuse to pick up a book now after being put off at a young age. Just be there to encourage and support her interests, and back up school learning as necessary. She’ll get where she wants to be. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

Also social media is not the whole truth. I’m unfollowing some home school braggers at the moment as it’s better for my sanity.