Ladies who's partners didn't want to be a dad - How did he cope?

[anon1133]

Been married for a year and half now and am currently 6 months pregnant. My husband didn't want kids but I became pregnant after contraception failing. My husband didn't want the baby and I was panicked so I booked an abortion. I was distraught for weeks coming up to the appointment and eventually broke down and told my husband I couldn't go through with it. After a long talk of him saying he was scared that he wouldn't be a good dad etc he accepted that we were keeping the baby and was reassuring and said he would support me no matter what and we would continue with the pregnancy.

Fast forward a few months to now and he seems happy with the whole situation now he's had a chance to get used to the idea, regularly talks about our unborn daughter and he seems to be excited to meet her etc. We're in a good place.

Basically just want to know if anyone else has been in a similar situation and how it worked out for you? How did your partner cope when baby arrived? Did they flop or do great?

Unplanned pregnancy here! With my partner of four years.

After I found out he said, 'I really dont want kids'. I said too late, I cannot go through with another abortion (had one ten years prior at 18, right choice for me then). I said you have a choice ofc, move out of the house and I become a single parent or suck it up.

He very slowly became more used to the idea, asking questions, getting excited about gender scan ect. Our son arrived four months ago and he did struggle with the shock of a newborn (we don't have any children in our family) but after a few weeks he just embraced fatherhood and is fantastic. You can see how much he loves our son and admits now he wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Good luck.

Oddly was how he took to it.
DS was planned - part of an ultimatium "I wasn't to get married and have children, you, have a year then we're through"
We got married a year later and then had ds after 3 miscarriages.

He didn't want children, but wanted to keep me.

He basically did everything he thinks a dad would do, took it upon himself to take ds out when he got home from work so I could have some alone time, he shared night feeds on the weekends, did his share of nappy changes. They are now best friends and he's suggested we start trying for another next year... I'm not sure when his attitude changed, but he went from going through the motions, to being really hands on and him and ds love eachother.

So it can come good.

Why didn't he want children?
What is his relationship like with his own parents? How did they treat him as a child and growing up?
Becoming a parent is a massive shock to the system even if you want the child. It can throw up a lot of unresolved issues from childhood.
There must be some reason he didn't want children so he may well benefit from some counselling to come to terms with whatever it is - preferably now while he still has the luxury of plenty of free time.

Hopefully he will come around, as the PPs' partners did, but some men don't so it's worth thinking in advance about coping strategies if he struggles. And, crucially, support for you if he is struggling to provide the support you need. Do you have helpful family nearby?

My husband flat out didn't want children and I wasn't sure about it myself. We had an unplanned pregnancy after many years of marriage and I spent about the first three months crying hysterically because I thought it would be the end of our marriage and he was outwardly supportive but I knew his heart wasn't in it. But when the baby was born he was the most emotional I've ever seen him and he was amazing from the very start, never tried to shirk his responsibility, took his share of waking in the night and drudge work. This is many many years ago and we went to on to have another, albeit with a bit of a gap.

I know I've been very lucky and I'm not naive enough to be suggesting that everything will be fine and everyone will react like he did, but at the same time, some men do actually come round and not look back.

I hope things work out well for you.

Mine was very ambivalent. Never wanted them but knew he’d love them if he did. Had DD through IVF and, despite being terrified of her until she could sit unassisted, he’s really stepped up. She’s now 17 months and they are best buddies, she’s such a Daddy’s girl. She’s all he wants to talk about - his friends (who mostly have school age children) must think he’s batshit 😂

@AnotherEmma his relationship with his parents is great, had a typical upbringing with his 2 younger brothers and we live near them. He's said in the past he didn't want kids because he simply doesn't want the responsibility or for us to be tied down (this was also my view a couple of years ago tbh), the screaming that comes with a baby etc, was also afraid he wouldn't make a good dad.

OK well if no demons then perhaps he will simply come around, fingers crossed!

You’ll likely only get replies from those who it worked out for. It really depends on why he didn’t want children. If it’s because he feels like children distract from the relationship or make a relationship harder etc then the reality of being a parent might match exactly that leading to breaking up/ absentee parent etc. But if his reason doesn’t match up to the reality e.g. not connecting with a child, not being a good father it usually ends well.

It will go either way. No point on focusing on whether or not it will end well. Good luck x

@Fantasiaa he's never mentioned that he's feared for our relationship or that a child would somehow ruin our marriage. We've never really had any relationship problems.

Thanks for all the replies so far.

I was in this position with my DP, I have 3 teenage children from my,previous marriage and while he is great with them had always said he didnt want children of his own.
After 10 years together I fell pregnant at 38 while using an implant and when I told him he immediatley told me that he didn't want me to go through with the pregnancy, however I couldn't go through with an abortion even if it meant going it alone.
We stayed together but for the first 6 months he refused to openly acknowledge I was pregnant and for the last 3 months he 'accepted' it but didn't like it and as a result I spent my whole pregnancy anxious and stressed.
When my DS was born it was like a switch had been flipped and he is an amazing dad who couldn't love DS more, him and DS are thick as thieves and I know he's definitely the best thing that ever happened to him.
DP has since apologised to me for the way he acted while I was pregnant and explained that he was just looking forward to our time together as my children were all becoming independent and a baby wasn't part of that plan but that he wouldn't change it for the world now.
He did have a vasectomy 3 days after he was born though!

He divorced my cousin, hasn't seen his daughter since she was 7 months, now only pays child support, and even that grudgingly. He originally wanted to sue her.

His first reply when I found out I was (unplanned) pregnant was complete dread and "I don't want it". I personally couldn't go through with an abortion so I told him he could leave then and I wouldn't bother him for anything and let him live his life. He stayed and even though he was shitting it the entire time he was incredibly supportive. Came to appointments and slowly started talking about things like prams and car seats.
As soon as I gave birth he just fell in love immediately. We got back from the hospital and I was still in a lot of pain so he was feeding him and he was so excited he was just like "oh my god look at his face oh my god I love him so much". He did his fair share of night feeds and mornings too. My boy is now 2.5yo and we have said we couldn't imagine life without him he's an absolute blessing if there ever was one. DS is also an absolute daddy's boy, they have the most fun and get up to all kinds of mischief

My DD was planned and we'd been together many years, had moved overseas to work. He changed his mind as soon as the test was positive - tried to force me to have an abortion, agree to have the baby adopted when I refused the abortion. He claimed that it was just the wrong time, even that he had plans for the World Cup the following year that I was unaware of. Said I'd look awful fat and he wouldn't be paying a penny if I went ahead.

He was true to his word. He made a couple of half hearted visits to a baby DD but she'll be 23 this year, she and I have been back in the UK for many years and he's not seen her or had any contact since she was about five. Happily I didn't need his money and we are fine.

One thing to add is that please don't panic in the first few weeks of your child's life if your husband seems like he isn't bonding with the baby or as excited as you are. It took me a good few weeks to really connect with my son after the birth - I'm sure there are some biological reasons for it but I found it very tough, in my case it turned out to be a light dose of PTS after my wife was injured in the birth. In genweal, as you've seen from the thread it's quite rare for a switch not to flip, as someone put it, when the baby is on the scene. Best of luck!

Why don't these men have a vasectomy?

If they're so sure why do they risk it? I maintain that some men are daft as fuck.

My partner never wanted children. So when we had an unplanned pregnancy I was hysterical, I didn’t know how he’d take it and stupidly felt like he was going to think I had planned it which I did not!
He took the news brilliantly, he was calmer than I was never suggested abortion.
He’s the best dad! She’s 1 now, he dotes on her and he says why didn’t we do this years ago. I was so worried how he’d be with her but he has been incredible I’m so proud of him

My partner never wanted kids and I ended up falling pregnant after contraception failing. I naively posted about our situation on here and got ripped to shreds saying he was a waste of space, a shit man, would never be a good dad, to prepare for a life alone and everything else you can imagine. Our daughter is now 7 months old and she is the complete light of his life and he's an amazing dad. Have faith in your partner

I think sometimes people who don't want children make the best parents. Obviously not always but sometimes people who do want children have a rose coloured spectacle idea of what it will be like - it will invariably let them down. Good parents adapt to this.

People (some) who have only thought about the negatives and don't want children actually find the reality is far from as bad as expected.

Having babies/children is very hard. Going in with rose coloured spectacles can make this harder. Especially in many cases for men who haven't considered the effect it will have on their lives and the attention they will get from their partners.

Those that don't have (sometimes) considered the practical negatives but not the positives and are very positively changed on the birth of their very own little time and money consuming monster.

One clue (and that's all it is) is how they respond to you being stressed, ill or needy. Do they put you first in these situations? Are they generally giving, sharing and able to put others first? If so they are more likely to be fine. If they resent time you spend with your family, friends or alone then they are very unlikely to be different when it is a helpless baby demanding your attention and them coming second.

Only you know how they generally are but even that isn't a cast iron guide to how they will be. The baby won't just be there for a week or two - you have a lifetime of this new person.

My DH didn’t but coped better than me when the baby arrived. He is very logical and calm.

Told I could never have children so pregnancy came as a HUGE shocked. We didn't speak for weeks. He cried with disappointment after we had a scan at 5 weeks to check dates. Went on for ages saying how life was over.

DS is now 18 months and today he said he wanted to try for another next year because he loves being a dad so much. He is bloody amazing and has really stepped up

And I totally agree with what @YRGAM

DS's father has really 'peaked' in his parenting now DS is 18 months/chatting/toddling around whereas when he was a baby the dad can sometimes feel a bit of a lost part

3rd child was unwanted. He still resents his presence and you can tell that husband gives less of himself to the third child. Husband had the snip very soon after the birth.

Mine did really well with the unplanned pregnancy and made a conscious effort to be a good dad, despite not being ready.

We planned another baby and he was far less involved with him!

There's never a way of guessing.
Hope he adjusts well. You will need support as your life/body/mind will be adjusting far more than his. I was so preoccupied about how DH was feeling after our unplanned baby was born, that I forgot to consider my own transformation to becoming a mum. Take care of yourself.

She's all he wants to talk about- his friends (who mostly have school age children) must think he’s batshit this is exactly what I have experienced, people who genuinely don't want kids don't have them. Those who do, take it their stride and are quite normal. Those who claim they don't want children are often very over the top. My precious amazing baby..

My partner 100% did not want children as he thought he'd be a terrible father. We became pregnant and he's a wonderful father and loves our daughter. Good luck. No regrets here.