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Original poster

Was anyone else scared to have a second child because you found the baby stage really hard?

44 replies

Swaddleblanket · 23/04/2020 18:32

I really want more children but I worry about how hard it will be. I’m quite an introvert so I don’t naturally like to be around people and find it quite hard being sociable. I think this made me a bit lonely on my mat leave.

Did anyone else have this fear?

OP posts:

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pennysays · 24/04/2020 14:40

This is me. I basically despised motherhood for three years and was convinced I would never do it again. This last month my hormones has just kicked in and are over riding the very very dark days of the past. It coincides with dc turning three, sleeping through most nights and generally just being a poppet. I love parenting so much now. I know I just have to grit my teeth to get through the next baby stage. And probably get more help - everyone keeps telling me it was so Hard as I had no help. I'm still absurdly conflicted because the memory of how awful it was hasn't faded but I'm consumed with broodyness. I think next time will be a bit easier because I know that the dark days will end and the fun toddler bit will come,

Sipperskipper · 24/04/2020 18:13

DD is about to turn 3 and I’m due DD2 at the end of August. Still feel very apprehensive for all the reasons you have mentioned. DD was very unsettled / terrible sleeper for her first few weeks, but after that we were actually incredibly lucky and she slept well. Looking back I just found it a bit all consuming as well as terrifying and a bit boring. I absolutely love the toddler / preschool age though. Am definitely also seeing the baby stage as something to get past.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 24/04/2020 18:15

No, I had the second and he was much worse than the first. Really awful. Now I'm too scared to have a third. He's 6 now and I'm still not over it.

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TwistyHair · 24/04/2020 19:13

It’s interesting to read all these. There seems to be a common thread of crying and shit sleep. I think babyhood would be such a difference experience if you had a placid baby.

feelingsicknow · 24/04/2020 19:36

Haven't read the full thread yet but just wanted to say YES to your initial question.
Will be back with something more insightful in a mo...

feelingsicknow · 24/04/2020 19:44

Okay. So my DS is now 19 months and for the last couple of months it's been my favourite stage so far.

I had pretty bad PND (but I've had depression for years anyway) that didn't start until he was 3 months old so I thought I'd miraculously managed to escape it - no such luck.

I found 3-12 months the hardest. I went back to work when he was 13 months and felt a lot better but he was still challenging (although, everyone else thought he was a delight).

In the last 1.5 months since lockdown, I've been having the best time ever with him (despite the onset of tantrums) and strangely it's my DH who is starting to find him more difficult. Isn't it strange?....

Up until now I couldn't have imagined having another but now i feel like it'll be okay....

Bluebooby · 24/04/2020 19:49

For me it was pregnancy and some of the lasting damage that it did to my body that made me not want a second child. I found the baby stage hard as my dd didn't sleep much (and she's 5 now and still doesn't really!) But it is more the phsyical effects on my body that put me off. I don't really feel any longing for another though. Once or twice I've thought it might be nice to have another baby, but the thought doesn't last too long.

If it's just the baby stage putting you off, I wouldn't let that hold you back as it doesn't last forever.

MeadowHay · 24/04/2020 21:06

Your DC is only 1, assuming age isn't a big factor for you, there's no rush and you can wait and your DC's sleep should improve somewhat as they get older.

My DD is 22m and her sleep has usually been pretty good, but she was Hard Work as a baby. Screamed all day every day for months on end. It got better and easier as she got older and I much prefer this stage than baby, and that is despite DD still being a 'spirited' child with epic tantrums, a bad-ish eater, v clingy, etc. I would say I hated most of the first 7 months or so and I went back to work at 9m anyway. We are hoping to start TTC number 2 in about 6 months so DD will be 3+ when the next one arrives. I'm really hoping number 2 will be more relaxed!

Taswama · 24/04/2020 21:13

Yes. I had PND after DS1. Even DP was uncertain if a second was a good idea. I had DS2 when Ds1 was just 3 but I had put support in place beforehand- Homestart and my parents on standby for us to stay with them once paternity leave was finished.
Much better the second time around as I kept DS1 at nursery three days per week and we had a good routine on other days. I knew how to do the baby stuff already, and having a three year old meant toddler groups were more an option .

espressoontap · 25/04/2020 11:13

I am the other way round. I loved the baby stage and found it easy but have since struggled with the 'threeager' phase, DS is a handful. I can't go anywhere without him squealing for me, I think I'm struggling due to lockdown and being pregnant, literally no time away from him with not being in work and nursery closed. I'm expecting no2 in Sept and hoping they are more chilled out

Yvonneoc · 31/01/2022 04:23

It's 3AM and I just woke my partner up laughing 😆 "though he was dead" the dream baby....
I can't sleep and am reading all these comments as I am due to start IVF medication tomorrow!! And I am scared, IVF probably won't work anyway but I am terrified of having another child.

Love my baby so much but it has been a complete nightmare and it doesn't help that I'm 41. He is 10 months correct, he was 9 weeks early, only 2.6 Lbs, 7 weeks in NICU, horrific reflux, couldn't be put down, won't sleep losing weight as he will not eat solids, daily battle 😭 started creche and back to back sickness, rsv, scarlet fever, covid and so on.......
I am broken and it has changed me, I am scared but I really do want to give him a sibling..... I am not in the right head space and I don't think IVF will work due to my age, high FSH and low egg count. If I don't try I will always regret It I think but also it's 7 thousand we don't have to spare, my partner is happy with one as he is also traumatised 😆

ChaosMoon · 31/01/2022 08:52

Good luck studying the IVF @Yvonneoc

I always wanted 2, but the baby stage was so, so hard. During the day, she was a dream (although she only ever napped for 20 mins at a time) but at night she was a demon.

She was almost a year when I realised that sleep deprivation had turned into PND. Then lockdown hit, and that, combined with the PND and lack of sleep nearly killed me.

I'm struggling to separate out the different issues and the impact they've had. I'm scared of having a second and I'm scared that if I don't, it will be for the wrong reasons. I think if Covid hadn't hit when it did, I'd have been back to normal a hell of a lot sooner, and maybe I would never have been so bad. But I don't know, and that scares me.

Vasectomyreversalhopeful · 31/01/2022 08:55

I was so scared after DS turned out to be an extremely challenging baby (was a delightful toddler and beyond) that DH had a vasectomy when DS was 9 months old. We are now paying to have it reversed and hope it works. It has taken almost 6 years to reach the point where we are ready though.

Mamabear04 · 31/01/2022 15:37

I had a really hard time with my DD. She was a terrible sleeper, reflux and just generally a really unhappy baby. I felt like it broke me but here I am pregnant with DC2. I'm terrified but I keep reminding myself that I want another child and that the baby phase will not last forever and DC2 might not be as hard a baby (I hope not with a toddler to look after!!!!) But i I feel slightly mad for doing it again

Phos · 01/02/2022 09:51

Yes and that's why we didn't have one. It's not about giving your child a sibling it's about you having another baby.

GrandmaSharkdodo · 04/02/2022 10:02

I'm having the exact same thoughts! I didn't really enjoy pregnancy and the newborn stage was so so hard. I got bad PN anxiety and we struggled as a couple to cope with it all. I'm am only child and my husband's only sister doesn't want kids, so I really want to give DD a sibling but it's so scary to think of going through all that again. Plus I worry that I won't give her the attention she needs if we have another. It's good to know I'm not the only one! I'm about to turn 41 so it's now or never really...

Littledot2 · 30/01/2025 01:00

@Swaddleblanket Hi OP, would love to hear how things turned out with this please? Did you have another baby and how did you feel? 🙏

nmhermione · 31/01/2025 22:18

@Swaddleblanket Yes, please let us know if you can. My DS is 20 months and we're in the same situation: we want a 2nd but are dreading the baby stage. When DS was a baby we found it very hard, so imagining doing it all over again but with a toddler needing attention too, is disheartening.

MarioLink · 01/02/2025 13:22

I was scared as my first was a very difficult baby who hated sleep, left a big gap between them but my second was a very content easy baby who regularly slept through the night.

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