Struggling with 4 week old

[Letsallscreamatthesistene]

Please be kind!

I am lucky enough to have a healthy 4 week old who was born at 40+5. The birth was traumatic for me though, ive got appointments for counselling for PTSD from it.

I dont know if its the stage my baby is in, but he just wont settle. He sleeps well at night and is very predictable for his night feeds - generally at 9, 12, 2.30 and then 5 or 6 (mainly). His day time sleep has always been erratic. Until 2 or 3 days ago he was easy to lull to sleep in the day after a feed but its all changed now. For example, today he woke from a nap at 9.30, and has only just gone down again at 2 with A LOT of effort to help him nod off. He's been tired since 10.30 but just couldnt sleep longer than 10/20 mins. I try everything - dummy, white noise, a walk in the pram, a bit of warm milk, swaddling, but nothing works. Im pretty sure he's only asleep now because he's so exhausted rather than any of my efforts. My partner is away a lot today, so I knew id be on my own with the baby for 12 hours. I spent last night awake thinking I didnt want today to happen.

Im coming to dread everyday. Every day is a battle for sleep. Its not so much the tiredness on my part, its the rigmarole of getting the baby to sleep every day. Its draining and I dont know how much longer I can carry on doing it.

I spend a lot of time worrying if hes developing typically. Should he have smiled yet? Should be be cooing yet?

Does it get better? I read a lot that it gets better around 6 weeks or so, but I just cant see how, or how i'll get there without breaking down.

Thank you for reading x

Firstly, it does get better and I think the bit you’re in now is definitely the hardest part.

If you are lying awake at night worrying and not sure how you are going to make it through the next 2 weeks, you may need some additional support.

This is such an early stage in his life too and it sounds like you’ve both been through a lot. If he’s tired, there’s nothing wrong with getting yourself some drinks and snacks and spending a few hours in bed together

I’d contact your GP and ask fir an appointment and be honest with them about how you’re feeling. They may suggest some ADs tonwork alongside the Counselling.

W

Is he very upset and crying when he’s awake, or is he just awake? Are you sure he actually needs to sleep when you’re trying to get him to sleep?

OP, will the baby sleep in your arms?

I ask because my eldest was like that. I held him for naps. It was a pain in the arse, but the way things are now I think I'd be happy to hold a baby and watch Netflix boxsets.

I get it though. I had a lot of anxiety after I had my first baby after a difficult delivery. Stressing about how much sleep he got was my way of expressing that anxiety. It used to drive me insane when people would say just hold him for naps. I thought my baby was broken because he didn't have three hour naps in the cot. Having come out of the other side, I get It now. It doesn't last forever, and I wish I'd just held him for naps and watched box sets and relaxed a lot more!

Fatted both of mine slept on me fir naps at that age too. There wasn’t a chance in hell they would go into their cot.

I think it’s pretty normal at such a young age for sleep to be all over the place. I also think it’s really normal for them to sometimes have short catnaps, and sometimes longer ones. It all changes constantly over the first few months, I don’t think DD got into any particular pattern with naps until around 5 or 6 months.
Is he particularly agitated when he’s awake in the day? If not, like PP said you might be trying to get him to sleep when he’s not really that tired.

Like PP have said, try to make it easier on yourself by getting comfy on the sofa with snacks and something to watch and cuddle up, hell just snooze in your arms when he’s ready rather than you having to try particularly to get him to sleep.

He does sleep in my arms, all the sleep signs are there too, like yawning and becoming a bit agitated etc. He wakes when I try and put him down. I use infacol before each feed as very early on it became clear he was a windy baby. With a lot of winding and the infacol the wind seems to come up a lot easier now, which is great.

When hes awake I do try and 'entertain' him (as much as you can with a 4 week old). He likes to look at bright pictures, be taken around different rooms with different things to look at, and he likes being spoken too. I do a bit of tummy time with him, he can hold his head up for a tiny bit and doesnt seem to mind the time spent on his front. That said, theres only so much you can do at this stage, and when he's awake for a solid 4 hours its difficult. Thats what I find the most draining. Im craving the stage where I can actively play with him.

Hi OP, I have a 6 week old. He will only sleep in the sling, the pram or the car during the day and he can be difficult to settle. When they are new they fall asleep easily because they have little concept of what is going on around them. From around 3-4 weeks they start to notice the world a bit more which means they are harder to get to sleep.

In a few weeks you can get into the habit of putting your baby down drowsy but awake so that they can start to get used to falling asleep in their cot but they don't have that skill at 4 weeks. Your baby sounds completely normal!

Are you trying to follow a set routine suggested in a book Letsallscream? These can be difficult to as not many of them are evidence based, and sone if the more popular “baby gurus” have never actually had a baby. Plus, there’s a fair chance your DS won’t have read the book either

I’m sure you’re doing a great job. Don’t worry about entertaining him so much, you don’t need to be doing something with him every minute of the day. Could you get a stretchy wrap and stick baby in that then just go about your day. Put him under the baby gym and read a book. You can’t be ‘on’ all the time.

DS is 5 months. He's only started to go into his pram for some naps. It DEFINITELY gets easier though. If he won't go into his cot for naps then get yourself set up with boxsets/a book. Snacks and make sure you've had a wee. Then cuddle him while he sleeps. Not ideal but better than everyone being upset. If you find yourself unable to sleep because you're anxious then do consider speaking to your GP/health visitor. I did and ended up needing some ADs to help me through, I am honestly a different person and DH and DS are getting a better me.

Are you trying to follow a set routine suggested in a book Letsallscream

Not at all, I read up on those and they seem a bit silly to me! The predictable night time feeds are just luck I think.

He's just begun to start being comfortable with lying on his own for a bit on the floor - so I might put the baby gym together tomorrow and see if he notices to toys

It’s good that you’re not trying to follow a book. There’s some research that suggests those prescriptive type of routines can lead to depression.

I agree with having some downtime too. Definitely try the baby gym and if you have a sling, pop him in there too. My DD loved watching me do things like make lunch or peg out the washing.

They need a bit of downtime too

My DS is nearly 6 weeks and still prefers to sleep on me. We get one 30 mins nap a day in the pram or similar, and he sleeps in a sling when I want to be doing something other than watching TV. But other than that he cries when I put him down.

Have you read up on the 4th trimester? As frustrating as it is, it’s perfectly normal for a little one to only want to sleep on you.

Being a New mummy during lockdown is bloody hard. But at 4 weeks all your little one needs is love, cuddles, food and a clean nappy. Try not to compare what they are doing compared to what they ‘should’ be doing, we have smiles in our due date group anywhere from 5 to 8 weeks, all are perfectly acceptable. Babies don’t read the manuals that we do (rude of them I think!) xx

You sound like you are doing a brilliant job OP. Don’t try to entertain him all day, it’s impossible and you’ll just exhaust yourself.

And no, don’t worry at all that he’s not smiling and cooing yet, that will take a while longer to happen, but will be lovely when it does (those first smiles make it all so much easier).

He wakes when I try and put him down. This is perfectly normal too. Will he continue to sleep if you don’t put him down?

If you do really want to put him down, have you tried using a tshirt that DH has worn as the sheet in his Moses Basket? That might give it a nice, reassuring smell

+1 to the t-shirt in a moses basket idea.

I also +1 a sling; it made my life SO much easier as I could put my baby (4-6 weeks) in there when she wanted to nap. Now she's 17 weeks and putting her down is a lot easier.

Good luck! You're in the tricky bit but it does get easier. I promise!

I put on a post the other week about my 7 week old which sounds extremely similar to your baby. The support I got was wonderful and yes it does get easier. My baby wasnt sleeping day or night. Now he still dosent sleep in the night time but his day time naps are so consistent. He had his jabs yesterday and has hardly been awake.

My HV advised to scrap all routine and just go with what your baby wants. Feed on demand and sleep on demand. If your baby is tired it will sleep. I do exactly that now so dont really have any expectations. There is plenty of time to introduce routine, just enjoy your time now. Your baby is only 4 weeks old and still adapting to outside life.

I felt like the only person in the entire world who was up at 3am nursing it's awful. This might sound daft but I almost felt afraid of the dark. Befire my husband went on furlough he would get up around 5am eveey morning to open the curtains downstairs for me to let the day light in. Still does it now. I'm so glad I had my baby when I did. Imagine having him in winter when it dosent her light till 8am ish.

Good luck and I'm sure your doing a great job x

OP I feel for you so much. It is the hardest thing in the world to be going through, especially after a traumatic birth, and the lockdown so a lack of support! Yes it does get easier and you will get through it. No-one tells you how hard it is going to be. Their sleep and feeding will be totally erratic at that age. My ds had colic and silent reflux and would only sleep on me for the first 3 months - most newborns hate Moses baskets and wil do anything to not be put in one - they want their mum! The best thing I can suggest is to get a sling/wrap (There are non complicated ones available) - baby will be happy and you will have some freedom to walk about and do stuff during the day! Best of luck xx

I think one of the hardest things is that he's so agitated at the moment. AFter a feed theres a bit of time where he's content, then he gets so agitated its hard to just sit with him.

My DS gets agitated when he's tired. He can only manage around an hour awake before he starts to cry. Of course, the challenge then is getting him to sleep. We have a wonderful sling. DH is working from home at the moment and generally works standing up with DS asleep in the sling. He usually falls asleep after about ten minutes of jiggling and walking around.

Ps I currently in my nightly ritual of lying in a darkened room with DS propped on my legs while I try to get him to sleep, only for him to startle himself awake every ten minutes. This is likely to go on for at least another hour.

This is a maddening stage. I'm finding it (marginally) easier the second time because I know that this is a phase and it will end.