Encouraging the ‘sisterly bond’

[OddshoesOddsocks]

Hi everyone,

DD3 is due tomorrow.

DDs 1 and 2 are 9 and 4 (almost 5) and have always had a pretty strained relationship although since the lockdown have been getting on a lot better which is great to see.
I’ve always blamed their relationship on myself and how I acted when dd2 was first born. Dd1 started school just a few weeks after she was born and it was a huge change for her after going from a single parent household with my undivided attention to being sent to school while a new sibling got to stay at home in ‘her place’. I don’t think I coped very well and dd1s nose was firmly pushed out of joint which resulted in a lot of resentment towards her sister.

I’m very aware that we’re in a really special situation where both girls will have a chance to bond with each other and their new sister when in normal times theyd be at school so I really want to make the most of it.

Dp will be at home for a week once baby comes then it will be just the 4 of us during the day after that.

How can I make the most of this lockdown to benefit all of us and really get them as bonded as possible?

I’ve emailed the teachers today to say that the next couple of weeks will be about finding our feet and I’m not putting pressure on us to keep up with the school work which they are all happy with so that’s one load off for now!

So we’ve got a few clear weeks, trapped in a small house together.... any tips??

When they meet their new sister for the first time make sure you are not holding her. If your in hospital or bring new baby home, have her in the cot or car seat and make sure you give of your big girls a cuddle first, then they can meet their new sister.

On the home alone side, would they like to help with practical things? Choosing babies outfit for the day, fetching wipes and nappies, fetching you a drink of water/snacks if your breastfeeding, or if bottle feeding helping to shake the bottles to mix or measuring the powder etc and helping to feed the baby?

Sorry for typos dd2 climbing all over me, hope you get the gist!

Ime - allowing older siblings to make decisions was helpful! Choosing outfits , filling up the baby box, helping at bath time. Even when ds pulled the plug out on the lounge floor I kept my cool!! Reading a story maybe? Bf =dvd time with me all squished on the sofa!!
My friend let her dh take the older dc out for lots of 1-1 which actually back fired massively. Older dc hated the baby as he was basically never 'allowed' near her!! And the baby had his dm!
Take turns with dp at dc's bedtime.
Good luck!

This relates to crawling babies more than newborns but when my younger DS was picking up older DS's toys etc, my mum advised me to stop saying "put that away so younger DS doesn't pick it up" or " go on, let him play with it" as often. Instead i would pick the younger one up or distract him. It was really good advice and definitely helped with the jealousy etc

I know it’s really annoying when people just make book recommendations, but ‘Siblings without rivalry’ (by the same authors as ‘how to talk so kids will listen...’) is really good and easy to dip in and out of.

Accept their feelings if they voice negative ones about the baby - don’t tell them off or try to persuade them otherwise, if they are jealous or don’t like the baby or wish she wasn’t there or whatever. Those are valid things to feel and your job is to validate them.

Remember the baby mainly needs warm arms and regular feeding, winding, changing. You’ve done that twice before so actually baby doesn’t need ‘attention’ in the early weeks at all, attention is for the big ones. I spent a lot of time bf on the floor whilst doing Lego with my free arm. DS was nearly 6 when DD came along and was v jealous, and I think a lot of their (now brilliant) bond came from me not always making a big deal of DD and helping her just slot in. He was much happier for me to engage with him as though she wasn’t there (even though in practice she was almost always literally right there in my arms!) than he would’ve been with doing loads of ‘helping’ (I know other kids differ), and I really just let their relationship develop by letting it come out of his goodwill and proactive desire to get involved with her on his terms when he felt ready.

Really hammed up the ‘look how much she adores you, she does her biggest smiles for you, when you’re in the room it’s always you she’s watching!’ stuff. Tbf, it was largely true, but it needed me to voice it.

The baby brought him a present (I think it was a little Lego kit and a small sweet? Can’t really remember...)

Reminiscing about when he was a baby, without comparing/contrasting.

When she was tiny, I had helpful family over in the evening (am a single parent) and tried to leave her with them so I could do his bedtime story alone... but even though he was deeply ambivalent about her presence, he always wanted her to come through with us at bedtime! I think it helped to know that being ‘just us’ for that time was an option though, and for him to see that I was still looking to have time with just him too.

All best wishes for the coming days and weeks.

Great suggestions everyone, thank you!

I’ll try and get them as involved as possible while taking their lead.
It’s going to be quite the juggle isn’t it?!