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DS sleep... Lack of!

13 replies

Popcat120 · 21/04/2020 22:51

DS is 18 months....
Suddenly hate his cot, hates being in there on his own, much prefer to be in our bed.

Ive tried everything, doesn't matter if I do controlled crying from the off, or get him to sleep in our bed then move him, he ALWAYS wakes a few hours later, screaming his head off wanting to be in our bed.

I know for a fact if I brought him in to cuddle he would go back to sleep in minutes.
He's been whinging for half hour now and I haven't gone in his room.

Just ordered cot duvet and pillow e(coming tomorrow), see if that makes a difference. Next step is getting rid of the cot and getting a toddler bed, but I honestly don't think it'll make a difference.

HELP?! WHAT ELSE CAN I DO WITH HIM?

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johnd2 · 21/04/2020 23:31

No idea but total sympathy our boy doesn't sleep well and apparently that's common for a significant minority of babies and toddlers and it's nothing you're doing wrong, that's just how they are wired. Now we are living on little sleep especially my wife, but we are just establishing a routine to see if it helps. Ours is 6 months old, but i think at your age i have read separation anxiety can be a problem.
Sorry nothing useful but i have great sympathy!

nannyedd · 22/04/2020 09:15

Children have a lot of deep sleep in the first few hours. That explains your initial window of peace. He is then waking, and his expectation seems to be for comfort. This is fine, if not somewhat inconvenient for you.

At 18 months, many changes are happening in little developing brains. They are making more sense of the world during the day, and as their developing brain rewires its synaptic connections at night, they can wake in confusion with lucid notions of where they are. Furthermore, a child who falls asleep in ones' arms can feel as though they are waking up in a bathtub if they find themselves transferred to a cot, and panic - 'where the am I, where is mummy?!' Therefore, a close match on their 'going to sleep' and their 'sleeping place' is a good aspiration.

Have a think about triggers, is everything the same now as it was before he changed to this modus operandi, or as for many little people, has his routine been completely turned on it's head by the lockdown?!

You could try a few things, and take either the gentle steps or the hardball approach.

  • Your target seems to be for him to be in his own bed.
  • Your start point is that he is insistent on co-sleeping.

Gentle steps:
Could you re-jig your room so that his room so that his cot could be in a corner temporarily? You could then assess whether he is waking for genuine comfort, or because this has become a behavioural expectation.

If he insists on being in your bed, you could sidecar his cot. He is then next to you, but you will need to be strict about him being on his own mattress. You can then use this as a start point, and work towards the cot returning to his room.

No, the Cot to stay in his room? Make it more comforting and familiar with your scent, take a few fresh cot sheets and have them in your bed for a few nights, these can then be dressed into his cot to make it feel more like being next to mummy.

Night light? - I refer to earlier remarks about brain development, he could be panicking when he wakes because it is dark, or because the ceiling above feels a million miles away.

Hardball:
With your expectation of his staying in his bed, attend to his waking by tucking him back in and saying "night night, or sleep time" then leaving the room. You could adopt a transitional approach, where you stay in the room perhaps sitting quietly, but try not to respond to him
as your presence may be comfort enough.

Other thoughts for non-comfort possible triggers - room temperature, white noise, milk hunger. Just ideas...

Whatever you choose to do, even if none of the above, try to be consistent with the approach. Hang in there, and good luck with whatever works for you!

Sorry, I can't give an exponential suggestion here, work awaits.

Thesearmsofmine · 22/04/2020 09:17

Just put him in your bed when he wakes? It’s pretty normal to bedshare at that age, he is just a baby.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Popcat120 · 22/04/2020 22:01

Thank you for your long reply @nannyedd!

I have literally tried everything you've mentioned.
Ended up bringing his mattress on the floor in our room at 1an this morning, I'm a keyworker nhs so need sleep!
Still wasn't good enough though, ended up in our bed.
His cot duvet arrived today so he's tucked up in his cot... For now, OH did bedtime, and I insisted he napped, so praying for a better night.
Thank you for all your tips!

@Thesearmsofmine helpful... Not.
That's not what I really asked.
Were planning another baby, and these terrible nights cannot carry on.

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nannyedd · 22/04/2020 23:37

@Popcat120 No problem, thanks for the acknowledgement!

This could just be a case of bad timing - his sleep needs and expectations are changing, and it sounds like you guys are frazzled. Hopefully tonight will be/have been better, I will see if the experience vault can come up with anything else of use!

Popcat120 · 23/04/2020 00:52

Made it til half 12 in his cot, settles when I'm on the floor by his cot but kicks off soon as I get to his door!!

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astonishedzebra · 23/04/2020 00:56

There is a sleep regression around this age.

Popcat120 · 23/04/2020 01:05

I know astonishedzebra.... He's 19 months now and this going on about 4-6 weeks now.

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nannyedd · 23/04/2020 08:26

Ah, okay... as this has been going on for a few weeks, this seems to have become more habitual. It may have started with something as simple as a tooth coming through, but in as little as a couple of nights that has become a new ritual for him. Think about how accepting toddlers are of learning new things during the day, the same can apply to routines at night.

There's not always a quick fix here, you might have to try several things for a few nights each (with absolute military consistency) before moving onto the next, but happily you do have the reference point that he will settle when you are on the floor by his cot!
Let's work with that as your common denominator and new start point.

Rather than throwing a bucket of generic ideas at you, I'm happy to be somewhat more specific with my suggestions if you are able to give a little more detail. I'm new to this platform, so don't know whether this is at all appropriate here, please make your own informed judgement on whether to publish any reply!

A few quick queries:
When you say settle, I assume we are taking about your night-waking reset procedure, and not his bedtime routine when he first goes to sleep?

When you 'move towards the door', are you doing this by stealth, or are you telling him 'night night' and then departing the room?

When he wakes, does he wake with just a cry, does he rustle about for a little while before making a sound, or does he cry out for you or call for you? Are you able to describe on a 1-10 scale how immediate or desperate his vocalisations are?

Popcat120 · 23/04/2020 10:06

He goes to bed fine, in our bed then move him, and sleeps 4 hours fine.

I did try 5 nights if straight in the cot, took an hour of screaming before he settled, but again only slept 4 hours then up.

When he wakes mid night, just won't settle again.
Were up 2 - 3 hours trying before giving up.
We quietly move out the room he screams. We say night night and go out he screams.

We've tried ignoring completely, going in and out every 5 to 10 mins, sitting by his cot.

End of my tether.

Were planning another baby, so this can't carry on.
I'm working 5 days a week in nhs and I'm exhausted, I could cry today.

It's all so random, one night last week, the first night I did control crying, he slept 9.30 to 9.15. But that's the only decent night he's had for a long Time!

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nannyedd · 23/04/2020 12:20

...another long one here -

So his initial sleep cycle is approx 4 hours. Common for this age, no issues there.

In his little world, he is going to sleep in the familiar setting of your bed. Warm, cosy, familiar. He is transferred to his cot, then when he wakes, it is unfamiliar and he struggles to self-settle as it doesn't match with his usual settling place.

I think this is the fundamental issue here.

When he wakes, your nighttime ritual begins. He will need to relearn which place is for his sleep, your bed or his, and that will be your call. I'm sorry to hear that you are exhausted, everyone it trying their hardest and nothing seems to work. Spending hours trying to achieve the impossible is no good for you, or him, that is just the reality of your situation and not a criticism.

So there are a few possibilities going forward, I'm going to suggest just one that I consider to be of least resistance.

My suggestion:
Move your room around, and place his cot along-side your bed, at the same level. Keep the side bars up.
Work towards him going to sleep in his cot with you lying next to him where he can see you, perhaps with your hand through the bars so that you can stroke his head.
Set the light level as it will be at 1am.
When he does wake in the night, try not to physically get up to attend to him, just give him your hand once again. He might want to be in your arms, but hold out for what you need to achieve. Hopefully in the near future he will be content with just knowing you are there, and go back to sleep.
Don't forget the scented cot blanket.

If this begins to work, then the cot can gradually begin to work it way away from your bed, and back down the hall to his room. We can look at that in the future.

Do this for a few nights, see if he can gently learn to get to sleep in this way, and after a few nights, he should be settling better if/when he wakes.

You could also try then night-nursing him with some milk towards the end of his initial sleep cycle, this might keep him asleep for a few extra hours.

Making the transition to settling in his cot is going to take patience and a strategy, I've proposed just one that I've used in the past with success. Re-read this at your leisure, it might be subtlety different to that which you have tried in the past, and hopefully it will work for you.

Remember the consistency, break it and you will need to start over.

Popcat120 · 23/04/2020 12:46

Thank you for all your useful information, we've just ordered an airbed, thought maybe we could sleep in his room, and slowly Transition out of there.

He's always been cuddled to sleep, and he was BF til 14 months, so he's used to that.
It's a big ask to ask him now to Self. Settle I know!

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nannyedd · 23/04/2020 13:59

Bingo. Same principle, different location!

He will eventually self-settle, try not to fret!

It may have to be a gentle transition, do what feels right for you all and take your time.

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