Feel like I let my baby down

[Anotherdayinmumlife]

My baby is 7.5 months now and I love her so much it hurts. But when she was born I can now see i had pnd and didn't realise. I struggled to bond and because she was taken to intensive care for 3 nights, I never got to hold her after an emergency section etc. I only realise I had pnd now because when I see new mums with newborns I instantly feel sorry for them and know what they're going through, but wh

Then it clicked the other week that mums do actually enjoy and love their newborns to death. I feel like I missed out on those first few weeks of her life and won't ever get them back and feel like a failure I didn't give her what she deserved straight away. I think about future pregnancies too and panic I would go through the same and have high anxiety over lack of sleep etc. Does anyone else feel the same and wish they could turn back the clock to re do it and soak in the moments again? I always wanted to feel that rush of love and thought I would, but I ended up turning into a depressed, robotic mum for a while and sometimes I tear up thinking about how i failed before I even began.

You’re not failing her- not everyone gets an instant rush of love. I know I didn’t. The first video of me and her is just me liking very puzzled and spaced out. I didn’t really feel she was mine for several weeks- but i did everything she need almost robotically. It came right in the end. I think more new parents than you realise take a while to figure everything out, especially with pnd. You don’t need to be so hard on yourself. You’re obviously a good mum who loves her very much otherwise this wouldn’t bother you. X

Oh poor you. I don’t know exactly how to help, but just to say, that it sounds like you and your baby are bonded well now and all her needs were met. She was very small and won’t remember, especially as you are putting in the love now.
If it helps. I think all mums feel like they have let their babies down at some point. I know I do. Parenting is full of guilt (I once cried because Grandpa once gave my 18 month old Ribena and I thought I was a terrible mother for leaving her with someone so negligent 😁)
Try to focus on all the love and fantastic things you will do together now.
Have you seen anyone about your PND? I wonder if a bit in lingering.
Anyway I hope you can move on from this. You are certainly not alone. Congratulations on your lovely baby and enjoy her x

I feel EXACTLY the same as you but I couldn't put it into words but you've summed up exactly what I'm feeling

Don’t feel bad. Not everyone gets that instant rush of love everyone talks about. I didn’t. I wouldn’t say I loved DD until she was a couple of months old. Before then she didn’t even really feel like my baby.

She’s now a year old and I absolutely adore her now, but that love didn’t come instantly. I think it’s actually more common than a lot of people think, but it’s not often talked about.

I felt the same as you in my baby’s first few weeks; I felt like there was something wrong with me but by talking to people I found out so many people felt the same. The main thing is that you have now bonded with your baby; she’s still so little that it’s not like it happened late but just in a different way how you expected. It’s important you forgive yourself as it wasn’t your fault.
Also my experience with my first DC was very different so there’s nothing to say it’d be the same again.

I had PND with one and knew it, I decided to just keep acting the caring role and one day I would love her, I still remember the moment I did. She’s a lot older know and shows no sign what so ever of being ‘different’ to any of the others. She isn’t. Don’t beat yourself up.

You have summed up exactly how I have and do feel the entire life of my DS but I didn't know how to explain it
I also didn't know if it was PND or not but now I can see that I probably have/had it too

I completely understand how you feel and I'm so sorry you feel it too, it's very lonely

Thank you for all your kind responses. It is comforting to know other people felt similar in those earlier days. I just want to add, if anyone is reading this post with a newborn and feeling the same and a bit hopeless, please know it gets better. So much better. I couldn't imagine life any other way now, but i wish I'd spoken to someone at the time to maybe ease the load from my mind. Thank you lovely people xx

We were told to think of it this way, you just meet a new person and need to get to know them and bond with them, not many people will have love at first sight but it's something that grows with time if you let it. Especially for fathers it is something you have to let it happen gradually, not all fathers think that way and can miss out by not putting on the effort.
Knowing that made me feel so much more relaxed and not worrying that i wouldn't feel anything on the day.
For the mother it's harder in different ways, for a start you've just gone through pregnant and childbirth or an operation and you're sleep deprived and tired. So it sounds like you've done well to get past all that and you have the rest of your life to strengthen your bond. Good luck and enjoy it!

You know what I think more people feel like you and won't admit it. I felt very similar. My little girl is 6 weeks old but when she was born I had to stay in hospital for three days. I can't remember her first couple of weeks if I'm honest. I remember texting her dad from hospital on one of the days I was in saying what have we done? And one night at home I told him I didn't want her as my old life was fine and now I've ruined it. I was struggling to breast feed at the time too and ended up giving up. Also, if I saw a pregnancy announcement on social media I would think oh god poor them, they don't know what they're letting themselves in for, why would they do that?! But 6 weeks in I'm feeling better apart from now my constant fear is I've failed her by not giving myself long enough to establish breast feeding and I put me before her and how could I have done that (because now I love her so much I would do anything for her). It's torturing me. I wish now I could go back to the first two weeks, really take it all in and just give feeding my all.

My point is I don't think you're alone. I think that you're totally normal and people don't dare open up about their true feelings.

You're definitely not alone. I remember looking at my DD that first night and thinking 'I don't like you!' I didn't bond with her for ages - turned out I had PTSD. It's even harder when everyone around you is coping over them and saying how perfect they are etc etc and you just sit there feeling numb. But don't feel guilty - firstly because it's not your fault, and secondly because your child won't remember any of this. My DD is now nearly 6 and is a lovely, happy little girl who hasn't been at all affected by me being totally spaced out for the first couple of months.

I had an emergency c section too, I was under general and met me DC when I was still pretty sedated and cannot remember meeting him for the first time. He then got a bad infection (they thought it was meningitis, but thankfully it wasn't) he had jaundice too so was in a light box so I couldn't hold him much. I didn't get the rush of love and felt utterly useless that I couldn't help, I cried for the first three weeks of his life. But slowely, I started to have such strong protective instincts (like how you describe) and that maternal bond grew and grew. Now I'm totally obsessed and all my friends tell me to shut up talking about him! Haha.

You are not alone feeling the way you did, ESPECIALLY with undiagnosed PND. You have done brilliantly. There is no point in looking back, it's just going to cast a shadow over the future.

It is normal not to feel rush of love straight away, at least in my circle of other people I know. It takes time, there is no need to rush it. Just do right by them and care for the baby to the best of your ability. That is all you can do and babies do thrive when their needs are met. So focus on that until you can do more. Babies really don’t need much, just focus on surviving and healing. When you are nice and healed then you can give more love and they can’t even see you properly at the beginning. So I think biology has done us a massive favour with that and the short term memory babies have, but we forget and strive to be the best. The standards portrayed in social media & films are not realistic for everyone.

I wasnt right for the 1st year and feel terrible guilt 6 years on.A lot of people would have another child to try and do it "right" but ds is an only, we arent having any more.