How much attention/fun should my 3 and a half year old actually be having?

[novacaneforthepain]

I really don't know if I am parenting right.
My DD is 3 1/2 and my DS is 9 months.

She wakes up at 6am and goes to bed at 6pm. No issues with sleep and no naps in the day.

But what I don't know is how much should I be playing with her in these 12 hours she is awake?

If she had it her way I would be by her side every second, playing, baking, running around of course. Which is fine for an hour here there. But when I have to get things done or feed my DS all I hear is "can we play now"

It's exhausting and I feel like I am awful for not playing with her all day. Especially now we are in lockdown.

What I want to know is, should I actually be playing with her most of the day?

She won't play independently and if I'm not going to play with her she would rather play on my phone or watch TV.

What did you do before your son was born?

Are you working while on lockdown or furloughed/ stay at home parent? Is she usually in nursery?

If you don't have work to do then you could play with her. If you're doing housework or similar get her to "help" and make that a game. Or leave it to do when shes asleep or your partner is home.
Some 3 year olds will play independently if given a specific thing to do e.g. sticker book, activity book, "can you make me a car from playdoh", "can you put these in order from biggest to smallest" rather than being left to generally play.

@novacaneforthepain I sympathise completely!!

My son is the same age as your DD. He is an absolute sweetheart - he’s so much fun and so cheeky and cute and clever. I love everything about him and I’m enjoying having him around just now, I really am. But my God it’s exhausting playing with him all the time!

He’s not so insistent with his dad but he won’t leave me for five minutes. If I try to read a book he’ll take it off me. If I try to talk to his dad he’ll talk over us and start making lots of noise. You’d think he was starved of attention but honestly, I’m with him all the time just now! Today we played with toys in bubble water, build a tower with blocks, made Duplo trains, ate pancakes together, drew pictures with window markers, chased round the living room, watched The Lion King together... and I am absolutely knackered!! In between all that, I was working, too!

Two things have helped:

1. Being firm. ‘Mummy can’t play just now because she’s having a cup of tea.’ He wouldn’t let it go but eventually got used to it and played by himself.
2. Doing it in short bursts. So I’ll spend fifteen minutes playing with him then take a break.
3. Screen time. I feel absolutely no guilt about this.

How you’re managing with two is beyond me - I think you’re supermum!

@MasterBruceBalloon before my son I worked part time and she was in nursery 3 days. On my 2 days off we went out without fail, soft plays, farms, parks, anywhere! I found it so much easier to fill the day and engage with her for longer outside the house. But even then I wasn't sure if I was maybe spoiling her?

@RhymingRabbit3 I am on maternity leave.
I set up activities... 100 a day 🤣
Today (before 7am 🙄)I filled the pool up , got a baby bath out and a doll and filled it up next to the pool and said to give the doll a bath. I sat next to her on a blanket with my Son and all she said was "you do it". And would not do it unless I was hands on involved. I do this constantly, I am forever setting stuff up but she just won't do it without me actually doing it.

@FartnissEverbeans yes!!! I feel like this could be.. just substitute working for having a 9 month old 🤣
You have made me feel so much better.. and less alone. Why aren't they the same with their dads? So strange (and annoying )

(Also, Please don't misunderstand this post and think that I don't/ don't want too play with her!)

I get it. My daughter will be 3 soon but is an only child. She used to go to nursery for the afternoon 3 times a week whilst I worked. I worked from home anyway but used to have that time. It's really difficult now.

I struggle playing with her. She doesn't like it if I direct the play or if I say the wrong thing. So with your activity of washing the doll she would want me to join in but might get annoyed if I said "let's get a Dickie for dolly to have in the bath" or I tried to move her on "let's go read a book". And I do understand but then it's hard. You want to interact with them but its tough just being a silent participant - makes it a little boring as much as I love her. So I don't last long.

I try and play a few times throughout the day but otherwise i leave her to it. I stay in the same room but just say something like "wow that looks so fun - you show mummy what you're doing". And just keep back. With you having another child - you need to set that boundary. You can't see to both kids at once all the time.

I reckon they will get it soon and I do think that fostering independent play is a good thing.

When my eldest was 3 my youngest was 14m and I struggled to split my time between them both. Ds2 was completely mobile at that stage and ds1 didn't want DS2 involved in our play time, wouldn't say it was jealousy it was more that DS2 used not play with the toys or the game the correct way. I was a SAHM back then so I was home all day. I felt guilty but I did the best I could. Same as you OP you're doing the best you can. Does she like painting? Maybe use an old bed sheet or curtains for her to paint on? Or a water table in the garden? It's definitely harder when you have two!

OMG I absolutely could have written this!! My kids are pretty much the same age and my god it's so draining!! Just coming to the end of maternity leave (go back in three weeks 😔) but these last few weeks have definitely been the hardest. I think it's the not being able to leave the house which is really putting the pressure on. DD also just won't play by herself. Even in the garden she wants to chase me, play hide and seek etc. Literally will play on her own for 5mins max if that.
Husband is working from home so trying to keep everyone occupied/fed/quiet at the relevant times and just trying to do a general tidy-up whilst being 'Fun mum' is almost impossible. By the time everyone is in bed all I want to do is eat my tea in peace, have a glass of wine and go to bed! I have no answers but you have my sympathies and one of these! 🍷

I probably entertain/am doing something with my almost 3 year old most of the day. When my almost 10 month old has a nap I will do the dishes. I might put a wash on.
Having said that I try to paddle my kayak twice a week (from home) then my partner looks after her. My DS is usually happy to do his own thing.

Thanks everyone. Not nice to hear others are struggling too , but definitely nice to know I'm not Alone.

Tomorrow I am going to try the idea of the short bursts of play. Give her my all for 15 minutes and then see to the baby.. etc.

And also try to not feel so guilty when she is happily watching tv!!

I've been really lucky that she is happy for my DS to be involved (as little as he is) in games and playing. But he wants to be in my arms alllll the time and it's physically exhausting playing like that.

@peterrabbit2 yes!! Trying to keep them away from my OH while his working is adding to the stress! from one exhausted mum to another

@Mustbethewine it is really hard with 2. I do wonder how different it would of been with just her. But then every different scenario has different challenges. I set up the paints today and she literally watched me do it. I shouldn't moan really .. she was like a little cheer leader .. "wow that's great" "lovely work mum" 

@MasterBruceBalloon yes I am hoping that this a really good opportunity for her to learn to play by herself. Yes everything I say or do when playing is wrong. It's so draining!

I'm in a similar situation.

My son is 3 and I'm WFH whilst DH is furloughed, though I do pop in and out during the day as I know DH gets stressed. DS needs constant attention and bosses us around like nobody's business. He wants us watching him play, but not touching his toys, or bouncing up and down on the couch or being chased around the garden or going up and down the stairs...

It is exhausting.

He sleeps well too, 7pm-7am, but in between is just full on. He has no off switch. Normally he's in nursery. I was a SAHM and went back to work in October for a rest! Lockdown has made me realise I made the right decision! You have my every sympathy!

Totally understand I have a 2yr daughter and a little boy who has just turned 1 (14 month she gap) and i am exhausted. My son is cutting all 4molars at once and i think my daughter is starting to cut her 2yr old molars. Today was rough, both in my arms screaming and I just sat and laughed or I would of cried. By end of day I dont even have the energy or patience to watch tv. I'm back to work in june and looking forward to some adult company again

I'm also in a similar situation, I have a 3.5 year old and 10 month old. 3.5 year old thankfully is very good at playing independently, she makes up her own stories and games (and even has imaginary friends, I hope this is normal lol). She can play for up to an hour independently. More recently she has been asking for me to play with her more and more, I too feel bad for saying no if I'm nursing the little one or doing housework. Of course I play with her when I can but it's hard when the little one wants to join in with playing toys which are not age appropriate I.e small lego and figurines, play doh.. So we try to do these things when the little one naps. I involve her in helping me to cook, tidy the garden etc as much as possible, and turn these things into play but I agree, it's exhausting!! By 7pm I am also ready for bed 😩

I used to start of things with mine, quite often they just wanted to share for a bit. Then they'd go off into their own little adventure/world/game.
A base can help, does she have her toys and games in a separate area, a playmat or rug? Make it cosy with her stuff around her.
Put it somewhere central to where you will be bobbing in and out and tell her what will happen throughout the day.
Colour codes can help on a chart, yellow= feeding/dealing with baby. red= cooking/cleaning. green = time to play with her. etc.
Some kids just need more than others, I've had a mix of completely liked being on own, one who liked a bit of companionship, and a totally needy one, who never napped.
As long as you do something just the two of you, when you can, this is enough.