Why am I so much worse without DH?

[Fudgewhizz]

I have an absolutely lovely DH - brilliant husband and father who adores our DD (who is nearly 6). I am currently pg with our second. He is so much more patient than I am - I really do try and I rarely shout at DD (probably once or twice a month, if that) as I had a shouty DF and am determined not to be like him - plus DH has shown me that shouting isn't the norm! DH is always up for playing with DD and doesn't ever lose his temper with her.

When he's around it's fine, but I seem to have somehow slipped into dreading parenting DD on my own. It's not that she's a difficult child, I just really struggle with finding things to do with her, or enjoying stuff together, and not getting frustrated when she does normal 6yo stuff (oh god, the faffing and leaving trails of destruction and don't even get me started on the home schooling situation). It doesn't help that I'm constantly tired and in pain (SPD) and often still nauseous and all I want to do is read or watch TV, which isn't the solution. I'm really worried that I'm going to be an even more crap mum when DC2 arrives. I love her to the ends of the earth but I just end up counting the minutes til DH gets in from work and then feeling inadequate. He doesn't do anything to make me feel like this, and if she's been particularly trying he will back me up when he gets home, but I just dread just the two of us being at home without him. I feel so guilty for feeling like this! It doesn't help that I have ASC and therefore need time on my own and I don't know how to tell what's reasonable or not.

I could write very similar to you - DH seems to have the patience of a saint with our two (DS 3.5yr & DD turning 2 this month).

I often feel like I've run out of ideas of what to do with them, or get irritated with the mess, or dread and hate the cleaning up after any messy play.

I'm afraid I've no suggestions for you but wanted to let you know you're not the only one!

When he spends time with her is he also thinking about what time to start dinner, the pile of laundry upstairs that needs putting away, the sponsorship money for the school NHS fundraiser, how much supplies there are before the next supermarket shop is needed, is the bathroom due a clean, does the dishwasher need unloading, the stairs could do with a Hoover...etc?

Because I find my DH is also brilliant at playing with the children and being in the moment with him because I know he’s not thinking about any of those things - or indeed, trying to do some of them - at the same as being with the kids. He works hard at work and will wash the cars or mow the lawn or put up a shelf, but I know for certain he hasn’t the faintest idea when the bedsheets were last changed, for example. He’s got the headspace to be patient. I find that when I feel hemmed in by spending time with the DCs it’s because my mental load is already pushing me to capacity and the constant additional demand on my energy is the last straw sometimes.

I think a lot of women feel like you do. I don’t really understand it when people say they miss their kids when they’re at school during the day, or they really look forward to family time at the weekends. Maybe those people have loads of extra help at home (or don’t ever do any housework?!)

Well, I think if you only shout 1-2 times a month, you must be doing amazing actually. I have a 7 year old (and a toddler) and I certainly shout at least once a day!

Are you the main one home with them? That certainly will have a lot to do with it. I am particularly shouty at the moment because I wfh and am homeschooling and keeping toddler alive. Dh also works full time but needs to work away from home as he has a business with specialised equipment at a workshop. He is home a few days a week as all he can take off at the moment. But in normal times, I work away part of the week and I’d come in to him shouting about dinner and bathtime. It’s not as easy being the one at home doing everything.

But also completely dependent upon your personality. I’m an introvert and though I enjoy people and am social, I find being constantly interacting with anyone really draining. Most adults can read social cues and give you space, but kids can’t and it’s hard and sometimes you’re really grumpy. I think that’s also just very normal.

Thanks, you've made me feel a bit better! I do feel drained very easily - part of my ASC manifests itself like this so I can only cope with one social gathering in a weekend, for example, and it hadn't occurred to me that this might be part of the issue with DD. DH is here most of the time atm, going into work once a week, which helps. He does do stuff like dishwasher / kitchen cleaning etc but it's true that the bulk of the mental load is me (eg he will never notice if the bathroom needs cleaning or if there's washing in the machine that needs taking out). I also do all the meal planning because he seems to think that I was born with an innate knowledge of meal planning and he 'can never think of anything'

It is nice to know I'm not the only one!