Not feeling good enough?

[Megan1995]

Hi.

I gave birth to my DS nearly 8 weeks ago, on the 29th Feb (leap year baby!) I am absolutely over the moon with him. He’s amazing, everything I expected and more.

I’ve always been a self conscious person, and I’m a bit anxious about everything and anything. My partner is a very confident, unphased person.

Lockdown began not long after I gave birth. I’m not really a young Mum, I’m 24 and my partner is 29. I haven’t seen my Mum or any family members for quite a while. My midwife appointments and first health visitor appointment got cancelled.

I sometimes feel as if, I’m not good enough? Or I’m not doing very well with my baby. I feel really under pressure and confused a lot of the time. For example, getting him into his feeding routine, sometimes he goes 3 hours then it’s 3 and a half then it’s 4 hours. I think I’ve got the timing down to a T then before his next feed he will have a meltdown and I’ll feel awful I got it wrong.

I’m in a ‘Mums’ group chat with a few other girls I sort of know, I’m not the closest to them and I feel like I’m completely different to them. They all seem to know their baby like the back of their hand. They discuss their sleep schedules, feeding times and just the mannerisms of their babies perfectly. I feel like i have no clue about mine.

My baby only smiled for the first time yesterday and he smiled about 5 times for my partner and 3 for me. I know it sounds stupid but I just felt as if my child doesn’t like me.

I probably sound really stupid and pathetic but I just don’t feel good enough. Should I know more about my baby? Will I ever get the hang of things? Does my baby even like me?

You don’t sound stupid and pathetic at all! This is a really tough time to have a new born. You will definitely get the hang of things, right now you’re still learning and you and DS are still getting to know each other! 8 weeks is still really young.
I was still feeding on demand at that age - anything between 30mins and 3 hours and 30 mins between feeds so I wouldn’t worry about the feeding routine.
I didn’t go to my first baby group until my DS was about 8 weeks and didn’t join my first mum’s whatsapp group until he was about 4 or 5 months, and they were (mostly) mums I got on with really well. I’m glad I wasn’t on anything like that though when DS was a newborn - I would have found it irritating and some mums are just competitive show offs, not what you need when you’re still figuring things out for yourself. If you barely know these people and don’t enjoy hearing from them I suggest leaving or muting the group.
And your child definitely likes you - you are his number one!

I had my DS a couple of days before you and despite already having a DC I feel exactly like you. My DS isn’t in any real feeding routine and I feel like I don’t really know what I’m doing. I had been chatting to someone with a similar age baby and was feeling jealous that she seemed to have it all worked out but when I admitted how I felt she was feeling the exact same so that may be the same with the mums you’re chatting to

Are you breast or bottle feeding?

Many babies don't have a feeding schedule as such (both of mine I seemed to spend the first couple of months feeding all the time). If you're using bottles I understand that would make it more complicated. Have you worked out his initial cues for being hungry in time to get the bottle warmed up? Don't stress about the 3/4 hour thing. He's very unlikely to overeat at this stage!

Similarly sleep can vary enormously - some newborns sleep 23 hours out of 24, some very much less. And they're doing huge amounts of development at this stage so just as you think you've nailed their nap routine you find it's changing again.

Eight weeks is well within the norm for first smiles. Just keep responding to him and eventually he'll get the hang of it (it's a while before they realise it's doing something...)

Your baby barely realises you're a separate person at the moment. Whether he "likes" you isn't really a relevant question. You're the fount of everything he needs. As he grows he will love you (unless you do something hideously abusive, which doesn't sound likely) and he will be happy to be with you even at the times you're not directly ministering to him.

If you're worried you don't know him well enough, just sit and interact with him for a bit. Maybe lie him on the floor (obviously pick him up if he gets distressed, but don't give up on the idea entirely) then you can watch him move. Don't stress about what you should be doing, just sit and be.

Thanks everyone! Your comments made me feel a lot better.

My DS is bottle fed, I originally planned to breast feed but he has a tongue tie and because of the lockdown again, my appointment with the hospital got cancelled!

Just not the best time to have a baby I suppose.