Raising parenting concerns with ex

[Cjc13]

First post on here so please be kind!

Context: DD (5) lives with my ex-partner and her older half-brother. I pick them both up from school on occasion and DD regularly stays at my place at weekends. I'm going to be working away very soon so will have limited contact for a few months.

Today I had an email from DD's headteacher saying she went to school with a dirty polo shirt, the same one as yesterday, and they were concerned.

This comes after a similar email a week or so ago saying DD's brother had been sent to school with an empty lunchbox. My ex was very defensive about this and took it as an insult.

The children are very independent and get dressed, make lunch etc themselves but I accept it's still my responsibility as a parent to check, and I do. I can't speak for my ex however.

I'd really appreciate some thoughts on:

1. is it reasonable for the school to be saying this in this way? (My feeling is yes, safeguarding etc)
2. how do I bring this up with my ex? I generally try to be as tactful, calm etc as possible but always seem to be met with defensiveness or cause offence - which is really not my intention, I just want what is best for DD.

Are you in the uk?

My first question would be why are the school emailing rather than having a conversation with a parent? I would always approach a parent in the first instance.

Yeah I'm in the UK.

As for the school - at a guess it's easier to email right now with the social distancing/different school routines etc. Yes they could phone, but XP and I are key workers so not guaranteed they'll be able to get through. Not sure if they tried to call XP but I have no missed calls today. I used to be a teacher (secondary) and I'd generally go for phone first then email as a last resort, but I can't claim to know what schools (and in particular DD's) are experiencing right now.

Is your EX a key worker? How are the children in school?

Why are the school emailing you and not the ex? Or have they emailed you and called him? It's not clear if they know your ex is the primary parent or if they have assumed that you are at you are female.

In the first instance I would email them back and clarify they should be dealing with the ex with this matter but you appreciate being informed.

If it’s only these two things alone then I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Neither of these are massively cause for concern, I have done both of these things because I have just been so busy actually looking after my child and haven’t had time/brain mush.

Assuming your child’s older half brother is not your child as they live with your ex, why on earth would school be contacting you about them?? Also it seems a bit extreme for school to be contacting you over a dirty shirt, school polo shirts get stained so easily

This is so hard. I think your instincts are right and you absolutely have to raise it. I would go in with the understanding that your ex is likely to get very defensive and upset. Perhaps coming at it from a position of what you could do to help when you're going to be absent?

I think you need to talk to the school and ask for a bit more information too, like is this email part of a bigger picture? If you have serious concerns I think you will find it hard to reconcile it if you don't investigate further.