Checking with dc before you arrange playdates??

[Earlybird]

Several times in the past few weeks, I have called a parent to extend a playdate invitation and been told the parent needed to 'check' with their child before they could give me an answer. They then call back with the reply and we proceed with making arrangements.

Today, we may or may not have a playdate with a classmate depending on how the child 'feels' at pickup (we've recently moved to America if you're wondering about time zones). A few weeks ago I even had one Mum (or should I say 'Mom' ) call and say 'thanks for the invitation to take XX swimming and to lunch after, but she has decided she's tired and wants to stay home'. I was gobsmacked.

Do you check with your dc before you commit to playdates? I think this is quite weird, but maybe I need to rethink my position?? DD and the playmates in question are 6, btw.

Very weird, never heard of that before. Particularly with 6 year olds.

It must really disappoint the child who is looking forward to having someone round to play/lunch. It probably means you can't even mention it until they arrive

I would ask DD first if she wanted to go but once we had made a decision we would stick to it for the reason sandyballs gives apart from anything else. Wouldn't cancel one except for illness etc

I also check that she wants to go to birthday partys she's been invited to, she's declined one! She's 4

In my book, there is respecting a child's feelings and then there's giving them too much power.

In one instance, I called to see if 'Audrey' could come for a playdate. The Mum asked what we planned to do. I said I thought we might play at ours, or go swimming. The Mum then covered the phone with her hand, while she asked Audrey if she was interested in a playdate, and which option she preferred!

I wouldn't dream of asking you what you intended to do

Ludicrous as it sounds, we went swimming because it was what 'Audrey' wanted to do!

And I should relay that after a long swim, lunch (our treat, of course), and an ice cream - I chauffeured Audrey back to her house. She skipped inside without a thank you or a backwards glance, and we've not heard a peep from the family since!

oh dear

Ooh - someone did this to me (or rather ds) with a party invitation once.

Wouldn't say yes or no. Was surprised we had asked. Wasn't sure how her ds felt about my ds . I thought it was bloody rude.

I beg to differ actually. I think the question of who she wants to go and play with is one of the few areas of her life where I should respect my DD's preferences. (she is 5 btw). But that is no excuse for being downright rude by asking the child in your hearing whether she fancies it and what option she prefers.

There are several children in DD's class whom she does not really like, and if one of them asked her to come and play I would not simply accept on her behalf.
I would check with her, in a diplomatic way, and if necessary have a chat about politeness and the reasons why the invitation might have been extended - eg, 'you say you don't play with X at school, maybe X wants to get to know you better, and X would be disappointed if you didn't give it a try'.

So admittedly I would be putting pressure on her but if she said 'no, I don't want to go because of a/b/c' that is up to her. I would make some kind excuse to the other parent, and I would almost certainly bring it up with DD a few weeks later to see whether we should now invite X back and try again.

I think the process of making and breaking friends is very hard aged 5/6, and is very important to children - witness all the threads on MN about being shut out from friendships. But I do think children have to make their own decisions, and be supported in them, and be helped to see what the consequences of those decisions might be (eg X will be upset or Y might feel left out).

Yes, I consult DD about whether she wants to accept or extend an invitation to play with a particular child. I think she is old enough to have an opinion about who she socialises with (she is five). I also still remember how she blossomed socially at the age of three, after I stopped dragging her along to antenatal group meet-ups at which she was totally incompatible with the other children, and let her choose her own friends

But I also make her stick to her plans. If a playdate is arranged, we go through with it even if she "doesn't feel like it" when the time comes. She is old enough to start understanding that it is rude and inconsiderate to let someone down at the last minute, unless you are actually ill.

Hmmm - maybe we're lucky that, as far as I can remember, dd has only been asked to play with children she likes. Would be alot trickier if she had had an invitation from someone she didn't enjoy.

Tbh, some of the most successful playdates have been with children she hasn't know well because it almost always results in a closer bond being formed. She also tends to play with lots of different children (which I think is a good thing), in addition to having a few special friends.