please help me i am rubbish

[chibi]

my baby is 15 weeks old and I am the worst mother. I can't get her to nap unless i feed her to sleep, likewise at night. I am the only mother I know whose baby won't sleep through the night. She will do a 5 hour blockif i am really lucky, more likely a 3 hour one, and atimes is up every hour.

I am the only mother whose baby needs constant attention/holding, everone elses baby can just be plonked down and left.

When she was first born I felt like I was getting to understand her and feeling like I could maybe be a good mother but not anymore. I have read so many books and tried out all their advice, none of it works for me, maybe i'm doing this wrong too.

i used to reassure myself by telling myself that these are all phases, she'll grow out of it, now I just think that i will inevitably find some new area of her development to screw up.

i feel at my wits end today, she's been crying nonstop from noon and nothing is helping.

Chibi
You are not a bad mother. Your baby is still very young and it is normal for her to wake up during the night for feeds at this age. Sleeping through the night can mean anything depending on your take on it - don't listen to the other mothers. Haven't got time for a long reply but have you tried a sling if she is one of those babies who doesn't like to be put down? Does she feed ok and is she putting on weight (I am wondering if she prefers being upright because she has reflux?) You haven't screwed anything up. If she is crying all day - get out of the house with her - it is much easier to deal with when you're out. Do you have a friend who you can phone and ask to meet somewhere? That saved my life on more that one occasion when my ds was little.

She's only 15wks- don't pressure yourself about sleeping through at this stage! you'll find loads of people here with kids who won't sleep through who are much older.

could she have colic maybe?

you're not rubbish- babies cry, and they don't always sleep, and unless you're poking her with a stick, it's not your fault, honestly!

Hi chibi

First - you are not a rubbish mother - I can assure you my DS would never have allowed me to plonk him down and leave. Equally had to hold him lots, fed him to sleep every night and everyone elses baby seemed to be sleeping through the night when I went to baby clinic - I wanted to poke all the other smug mothers in the eye.

Ditch the books - they are okay in small measures but your baby hasn't read them. I read GF, The Baby Whisperer etc etc wetc and my baby did not fir into any one of the regimes listed.

What did work for me was carrying DS around in a sling when he was really whingy - I even did the cooking with him there (not ideal from a safety point of view but it felt the only way at the time).

Do you have a DP/DH who can take some of the pressure off you - you are probably exhausted - 15 weeks of broken nights (plus the ones at the end of pregnancy) all add up and take their toll.

You are not screwing up - honest -you sound tired.

Is she beginning to teethe - some babies get teeth about now and it might be that her gums are hurting.

chibi, oh i was there not so long ago... really feel for you.

My LO was much the same, but really picked up and got much happier at 20 weeks. I only started to feel better at 6 months. It sounds a long time, but now I'm past it it wasnt so bad. And only 1 baby of my aquainntance slept through by then, you are probably in a silent majority. Its so hard isn't it, when you say how old baby is, and if they are older than 12 weeks everyone asks "are they sleeping through". Best advice i had was to smile and lie.

The books aren't right or wrong, they are just showing that there are a lot of ways of doing things.

On a practical note, try a sling, even in the house, you cant "spoil" a baby by holding them a lot. And get out the house, every day, even if its just a walk down the street.

Chin up...

There are many many mothers who would claim the title of worst mother - you are not alone . It's a nightmare phase but it does get better - and I certainly wouldn't have expected any of mine to sleep through the night at 15 months. When you quiz these other mothers with perfect babies who sleep, you'll find that their definition of "night" is between midnight and 3am - the rest of the time they're awake! I've had 4 kids - 2 of whom could be plonked down and left, 2 of whom needed constant holding and cried a lot - so it's not the mother, it's the baby. You'll get used to each other - it's still early days. Agree with the advice re just getting her in her buggy/pram and going out - don't spend more time that you have to in the house on your own.

You are not a bad mother. You are just tired and being too hard on yourself.

Not all babies sleep. 15 weeks is still very little. Very few babies can just be 'plonked down'.

thank you all for your kind responses... I guess I feel so desperate because all my friends have either perfect babies or are childless, in either case they just don't get it, and I just feel alone.

I think I just really needed to vent, thank you so much for listening.

I will try to stay positive + try the sling thing.

theclosetpagan, how do I know if she's teething? She is very drooly, but so are most of the babies in my postnatal group. Are there any other signs I can watch out for?

Chibi - don't beat yourself up - your dd is being quite normal for some babies and you are doing your best! I doubt very much that you are doing anything wrong, it doesn't sound like it. It is so tiring though when they cry non stop, no wonder you feel at your wits end.

My dd2 would not be put down at all, not ever (came as a shock after dd1 who just slept and gurgled all day long, happy as larry!), I put her into a crocheted blanket in the end and knotted it round my neck and under arm in sling fashion (you couldn't buy the proper slings easily then) and she just slept on me all day, while I got on with normal stuff.

If it is your 1st baby there is also nothing wrong with sitting cuddling her all day and say bugger to the housework! It may not seem like it at the moment but this stage does not last forever and you will all survive

My ds was exactly the same (actually worse.. 5 hours )

When ds was about 15 weeks I was a complete and gibbering wreck,I doubt I would have been able to string a sentence together

A sling is a lifesaver as others have said (ds would not be put down ever)

Tentative suggestion,Stop for a second with the books/advice: I did similar, chopped and changed, .. poor ds never knew if he would be left to cry/swaddled/dreamfed/massaged/rocked/not rocked/have whale noises/hoover/white noise/metallica/take that

ok was joking about take that but you get my drift

Hope you're ok

I used to get in a state after reading a book/talking to hv... husband thinks I should burn them (books not hv...i think)

Agree they can be unhelpful as I dont believe anyone does everything to the letter, so there is another failing. Take the odd thing from them, but try not to let them overrule that little voice inside - you look after this baby all the time, although it doesnt seem like it today you know this little person better than anyone else.

I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse but my DS is 32 weeks and only dropped the night feeds when he was fully established on 3 meals of solids a day. You are not doing anything wrong, some babies are just like that.
Its exhausting though, so sending hugs.
]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

Message withdrawn

Have been where you are. It may or may not work for you, but I found cosleeping to be a major factor in reducing night time disturbance from my babes. And if you are considering a sling, this is a good site for affordable UK-made slings. I have a pouch sling and I have used it almost every day since dd was born, she is now 12 months!

Hi Chibi, you are not a bad mother at all, you are giving your baby everything she needs. I had months of constant whinging and holding, now at 19 weeks DS is getting slowly better in that he will sit in his bouncy chair for a bit! It's due to nothing i have done, he just seems to be growing out of it. Everyone said "he'll grow out of it at 3 months" - well he didn't, he's slowly getting better at 4 1/2 months and even then he has days where all he does is grizzle (like today!). My sister's baby only started to get happier when she started crawling at 6 months. i think they're all different. the best advice I had was "just do what it takes to get through the day". If you need to feed or rock her to sleep so be it, just ignore the books that say the baby has to get itself to sleep - you'll only have hours of crying and feel crap.

Hey, chibi, sorry I haven't read what everyone else has said, but my lord, all your friends are lucky if their babies need less than constant attention and sleep through the night! Sounds to me like you and your baby are normal, it's just really hard, that's all. Can you find it at all funny (albeit in kind of a crap way) that through your dd's whole life you will worry about doing it wrong Stick around on Mumsnet, there are loads of good mums feeling like bad mums, just trying our best and loving our babies the best we can. How are you both today?

Who are all these mothers you are hanging out with? We all held our babies all the time (pretty much) and most of us nursed them to sleep. I nursed dd to sleep until she was 1 and never thought of it as a problem. I haven't observed many young babies who like to be 'plonked down and left'.

I don't remember anyone's baby sleeping through at 15 wks - are you sure they really mean All Night?? 5 hours should be max to expect at that age.

I read a ton of books too - and some of it was helpful and some of it worked sometimes and some of it never worked.

The real problem here is that overwhelming feeling you get when your baby doesn't stop crying. Sometimes babies cry a lot and I'm not sure that you can alwyas no why. Dd doesn't in general but she's had phases (of weeks or months) where she really cried a lot and I know how frustrating that is. Jill

ds1 slept through - 9 or 10 hours - at 15 weeks.

naturally I was a fabulous mother.

So how did I become such a crap one with ds2? He woke up every 3 - 5 hours until he was 11 months! He was formula fed, as was ds1. I never went to him too quickly - just like ds1. So what did I do wrong?

The answer is, I probably did plenty wrong, all mothers do, but it wasdn't related to why he wouldn't sleep. He Just Wouldn't Sleep.

He is 16 months now though, and sleeps beautifully. 7 til 7.

chibi, babies will sleep through when they sleep through. most babies i know/have known feed to sleep.

and at you knowing mothers whos babies sleep through at 15 weeks. ds still isnt sleeping through at 10 months!

although dd slept through straight away that girl likes her sleep too much!

it does get better. have you got anyone to talk to when you're feeling down. with ds i had PND and i think a lot of it was brought on by sleep deprivation, just a thought!

hoping it gets better!

Thank you all, you have all been so very kind. Thanks for letting me vent, I needed it! Just hearing that other people's experiences are similar to mine makes me feel so much better. I think I was losing perspective yesterday amid the nonstop crying, and hanging out with a crew of lovely but perfect mummies wasn't helping.

Thank you all again, from the bottom of my heart.

Two things: 1)Lovely perfect mummies are usually either exaggerating or lying. 2) I have never known any young baby not to feed to sleep. She will fall asleep alone eventually it just stresses you out trying to make it happen, so lose the books and use what you read only if it seems relevant.

I felt like this at 10 weeks, dr surgery full of placid plump babies who all (apparently) slept through, I was knackered with my clingy wakeful dd, wanted to swear loudly at the next person to say 'MYYY baby slept from 9pm-9am FROM BIRTH'... Then I realised it was simply not true most of the time cos the next time they'd be moaning about how tired they were.

Also, things change so often, so many things affect babies... there are growth spurts, immunisations, developmental milestones, even the weather! You just get better at dealing with it.

I bet you are doing brilliantly.

Oh thank God for this thread. I thought I was the only one. DS is crying again, better go.

I don't believe your friends, it's too young to be sleeping more.

You are not a crap mum. DD1 slept a max of 1.5 hours at a time at night until she was well over 6 months - I was shattered. Dd2 slept a 5 hour stretch from day one - I treated them the same, I did not go from crap to perfect, I co-slept, sling, bf to sleep etc. with both of them.

Don't let them pressure you into thinking you should be doing something else, you're doing just fine. Talk about something else to them! My dh used to say just nod and say 'oh yes' whenever anyone asks about 'sleeping through' eating 3 square meals a day, never crying, or completing the times crossword.

no no no come on, ALL babies are different. They got lucky with their babies. That's all. YOu have a child who has higher needs - probably you child is more intelligent

Babies are different - my 2 dds are an example. But ALL of the other babies sleeping happily? - a statistical improbability but not impossibility I suppose!