Finding it hard - 10 weeks in

[S082018]

I’ve written a few posts on here seeking advice on my baby’s routine (or lack of) and sleep. He is 10 weeks old now.

I am struggling with his lack of structure. Every day is different. He wakes up at different times in the morning. He feeds at different times each day. He naps at different times each day. He goes up to bed at the same time each evening but he varies in the length of time it takes to fall asleep. He never stays asleep for long and I’m constantly going back in to resettle him.

Admittedly, I am a person who loves structure and routine and so becoming a parent took some getting used to on that front. But 10 weeks in, I kind of thought we would have some sort of loose pattern in place by now?

I feel like I am failing him in some way. I love him to pieces and make sure I show him that love and affection in every way shape and form I can. I make sure his playtime’s are developmentally appropriate and always mindful of his sleepy cues so that he doesn’t get over tired. However, there is a horrible sense of guilt that is niggling away at me telling me that I can do better and that I can do more.

I want my son to feel secure in knowing that he has a routine and he knows what is coming next and when...and I feel like I’m not doing that for him when every day is so different. And it pains me when I speak to other parents who have children of a similar age tell me that their babies have found their own routine already and that they’re sleeping through the night.

What do I do? Do I continue as I am and hope it settles down eventually? Do I start working on daytime routine before bedtime or vice versa? Do I focus on feeding first? Or start waking him at the same time every morning to create some consistency?

So many questions - please help 😞

The best thing you can do is respond to his needs. Feed him when he's hungry, put him to sleep when he's tired. It's not better to force him to sleep or eat to an external schedule.

Some babies (like some people) do love routine. Some babies (like some people) don't. You have to parent the child you've got.

Stop worrying about what other people are doing. Learn this now and save yourself many, many years of grief!

My baby is 20 weeks and despite me trying to put in place a loose routine, she's not particularly up for it! She will sometimes go 2 hours after waking, other days she'll do half an hour and fall back asleep. She also wakes 6 times a night and refuses to nap for more than half an hour. With the best will in the world, you get the baby you get, not the one best suited to your personality - I'm like you and thrive on routine, so having an unpredictable baby has been hard.

I use an app to track feeding and sleep, this has helped me even if it just makes me feel like there is some method to the madness. I feed on demand still, but have been trying to feed after naps instead of before to try and break feed to sleep associations (it's not working 😞).

I know what you mean about other parents and their perfect sleeping, routine led babies who nap for two hours at a time but you've just got to let it go. Yours will get there. And the internet will tell you your baby should sleep through the night, but other parents will tell you their 1 year olds are still waking regularly. It's hard, and I sympathise.

I am a person who loves structure and routine

So do I! You can create some routine, just in a baby-centred way. But definitely having structure to your day helps, I know it helps me.

Imagine you have another child in 5 years time. At that point you will have to get baby up at a set time because you'll have to get older sibling to school on time. Likewise your older sibling will no doubt have structured meal times, you'll need to fit naps around the afternoon school run.

You lack that structure in your day now because this is a first child. But you can definitely create the routine and structure if you want to. Baby will probably thrive on it. But the caveat is, you need to be realistic in your expectations.

Do first - set your alarm and get yourself and baby up at the same time every day. This includes weekends (although your partner could share early get ups).

7am is a good idea, but whatever works for you. If you're the sort of person who likes 10 mins in bed before you get up, set alarm for 6.50 and get up with baby at 7am. If baby is frequently waking earlier than that, you'll need to set your alarm to match I'm afraid. Routine means you making it always the same - 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

On from that, at 10 weeks old rather than having naps by the clock, have naps in a regular and predictable cycle. To get your routine, you routine the awake time to always be the same.

A good idea for cyclic routines is EASY:

E - Eat - Feed baby as soon as they wake

A - Awake time - st this age that will be floor time under the playgym or tummy time. This is where you clock watch for routine. You have a set amount of time between baby waking and going back to sleep. It takes a bit of tinkering to find the right awake time for your baby buy at 10 weeks I would expect it to be about 40-60 minutes of awake time.

S - Sleep - Notice the time baby last woke up and make a mental note that in 40 mins time (or sooner if you get any crying) you are working on resetting baby back to sleep so that baby is asleep within 60 min of last waking. Or alter the timings to suit your baby, but do the same timings for every cycle.

Y - You time while baby sleeps.

When baby first stirs awake, try to resettle back to sleep. But if baby isn't settling then that's your awake time again and you start the cycle again...

Wake... Feed.. Set length of time awake... Sleep... Wake... Feed.. Set length of time awake... Sleep.. Wake... Feed.. Set length of time awake... Sleep...

Repeat repeat repeat through to bedtime.

Try paying attention to the routine of your day as well rather than the clock time. maybe you wake at a certain time, so make the room light and move baby to a noisier/lighter space for a start. Then go for a walk. Etc It takes time and some babies take longer.
I think that the getting the first nap of the day is key as if that is missed it’s so hard to settle/sooth for each subsequent nap.
Good luck

I wrote a very similar thread a few days ago as I'm going through the exact same at 7 weeks of age. It's very hard I feel your pain. My baby slept so bad a few weeks ago we saw two paediatricians. They told us to scrap routine for now as baby too young. Feed on demand, sleep when needed, bath when needed any time of day and take time bed when ever. Since then I've noticed vast improvement. He feeds every 3 hours on the dot if not I'm waking him. During the night I leave him to wake himself. Nap time has improved too. I dont necessarily force him but he does tend to sleep after bottle for anything between 40 mins to 3 hours. We then put him on his mat and interact with him or sit him on our knees. About 30 mins before feed he starts getting cranky so he sits in his rocker and has about 10 mins power nap then feed and repeat. The health visitor told us you csnt spoil a baby so little. They cant be spoilt by holding them all the time etc. Its really touch I completely feel your pain but people keep saying it will get better xx

Both me and my husband are routine focused so a (soft) routine works for us. I like DS going off to bed at a set time because it gives us time as a couple/solo. I noticed what time we did things on good, happy days and tried to stick roughly to those timings each day. I used to go to a class that was completely the wrong time for us and he was always upset and I was always stressed so we stopped going! Much better!

I've always been keen that he naps on the go though so we did a lot of buggy naps when he was a baby and while he has the majority of naps at home now (even pre lockdown), he still happily has a buggy or car seat nap if needed, makes it easier to stick to nap times.

Thank you all so much for your fast and helpful responses. I do feel better in knowing I'm not the only one! Some days I'm very much "go with the flow, it is what it is" and other days I really beat myself up about things! (I.e yesterday being one of those days).

I feel much better today having read all of your responses and advice so thank you ❤️