Grandparents treating children differently

[stardust40]

So kids .... 12 and 16 both same parents etc however one set of grandparents are treating them unequally and it's now upsetting dd. Two main instances.....

1. Birthdays .... visit dd1 £20 in card, come to house ring in morning sing etc dd2 £5 in card put through letterbox (no phone call or visit).

Lots of upset from dd2 asking why they didn't come and see her or ring her... why don't they love her as much

1. Leave Easter eggs on doorstep today .... dd1 has a £10 note inside and dd2 has a £5 note inside. Dd2 in tears again saying she knew they didn't love her and asking why.

What would you do? I'm not prepared for them to continue to lower her self esteem like they are.

My grandfather used to do this. He would arrive with a £20, a £10 and a £5 note at all visits. He used to alternate the 20 and the 10 between my brothers (depending on some sort of belief in how well they were doing in sport ) but I always got the £5. My mum took them every time and gave us all a tenner.

I never forgave him. But at least I knew my mum cared. And as they got older, my brothers also supported the fair division so their lack of respect for him really helped me.

Get your dd1 onside, that will really help dd2. And if you can afford it, equalise the presents and make a big deal of the fact that you are doing it and that their gf is an arse

I’d be refusing gifts if I’m honest.
It’s really not fair.

Have you asked them why they are doing it/pointed it out? Surely that’s the first step?

Ask why and refuse gifts.

Ask why.... Is it because one is alot older?

Not that , its acceptable...

You need to stop presents. Get there first and equal presents out like someones mum up thread did

It sounds as though they're giving age reflected amounts tbh. Eldest was 16 so a bigger birthday reflected with present and singing.
I think that teaching that they're appreciative is better than fuelling a not as loved complex.

Have the always received different present values!?

This weirdness happens in my in-laws family.

My partner has an auntie who sends our kids money but not my partner's sisters kid. My mil has often said this has happened since they were kids and how odd it is!

But!!!! Mil has treated our children different to her daughters kids from the womb.

2014 we both fall pregnant. Sister in law has hers 12 weeks before me. Mil moves away to the village sister in law lives in. Babysits weekly. Cleans the house. Goes on holiday with them. Treats the kid to meals out and stuff. An hour away my child sees hardly anything of them and we never get chance to go out child free!

2017 December. Our son is born. 2 days after Christmas. My daughter gets £50 for her birthday every year and I'm told to order whatever she wants. For my son's first birthday. She got him a tacky bead maze from b&m. For his 2nd birthday she got him a £12 Duplo train (lovely toy to be fair) but got my DD a £20 sandart to open on his birthday so she doesn't feel left out!!! My DD turned five last month. Did he get a present to open? Nope he didn't! But she got my DD a £40 dolls pram.

Also when my DD was born she got her s huge hamper. It had toys, sleepsuits, books and bobs in. When DS was born he got the tiniest iggle piggle teddy £6ish.

I've told my oh that I will be telling her this christmas that she can't get DD something to open on his birthday. It's not fair at all.

I'd ask them if I was you. Or tell your boys that they need to share it equally. It's absolutely ridiculous how people behave. I honestly have never understood.

Sorry for typos

*Books and bobs

Also your girls not boys.

I'm tired lol

For dd2 it's not the money or size the biggest upset was when they didn't ring or visit on her birthday as they always do for dd1. I think I'd get the difference in money for birthdays but not inside an Easter egg when they both open them at the same time ... if anything I would've thought they might stop Easter with the oldest! I've told dh to talk to them .... we've given dd2 a £5 note but it can't take away the hurt of being treated so differently.

Yes DH needs to talk to them. But think about what you want to achieve. They clearly aren't good grandparents to either child.

What does your DH think? Because my conversation opener on this would be, how do you want to let your parents know that we're not accepting presents from them any more as the inequality upsets us all. Then, how do you want to let your parents know that we'd really rather only see them very occasionally, as we don't feel they're a positive thing to have around our kids?

He should be livid that his parents think so little of him to treat his kids differently, to think he's such a shit dad that he'd say nothing. To think he wouldn't stick up for his DD, to think they get to snub a member of his family but it doesn't matter.

My grandmother did this when I was little. I was the favoured child and she used to send me random gifts through the post and nothing for my little brother and sister. I used to go and stay by myself and she would buy me basically anything I asked for, and get them a little pencil or key ring or something. I had a magazine subscription to myself, my brother and sister had to share. I think in the end my parents did have a word and she didn’t speak to them for 6 months. Difficult woman.

I’d say you’ve got to say something, especially if they’re old enough to notice (I was young enough not to when my parents spoke to her). Making the money up as you say makes it fairer but it doesn’t change how your daughter feels.

It’s beyond me how anyone could behave like this.

Oh and yes I had a granny a bit like this too. I was the favoured one. It was nigh on creepy to be honest. Not surprisingly, she was manipulative and divisive in a million other ways... so by the time me and my siblings were half grown, we all disliked her equally!

Ask your DH if that's what he wants from this.

My sister is the favourite my daughter is favoured but she regects it

Have you asked them?