Feeling constantly anxious about my parenting

[JustinMyJustin]

Please tell me I’m not the only one who feels like this.

Single mum to 18 month old twins. I cannot shake my constant feelings of anxiety about how I am parenting them and it’s getting to the point where it’s interfering with my enjoyment of looking after them.

For example. We can just be sitting in the garden and they will be wandering around looking at plants etc. perfectly happy and content. However I’ll be watching them worried if they are bored or if I should be doing a more structured activity with them. I think lot of the Facebook groups and stuff that I’m in don’t help. I’m really interested in Montessori for example but everyone else’s children in the groups seem to be far more advanced and well guided than mine.

I also torture myself regarding how I speak to them. I rarely raise my voice but have a few times today because I’ve been so tired. Now they are in bed I feel so guilty.

I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me or how to get a handle on it. Can anyone else relate or advise?

I am the same. Not all the time but a lot of the time. I am constantly worried that I’m not doing enough for them / doing the right thing. I’m seriously considering ditching all the FB groups because it makes me feel even worse. I do craft, baking, outdoor games etc etc but I never feel it’s enough then if it doesn’t go well I get irritated (because usually I have over thought it!).

I think the best thing to do is dial it back a notch and go easy on yourself. Enjoy your time with them and maybe just make sure that each day you do one special thing with them. I have an 18mo and too older ones and honestly I wouldn’t worry too much at this age. Just let them explore, read to them and have fun xx

I felt like this when my daughter was very young like yours and exhausted myself thinking of activities and making elaborate things out of boxes when all she wanted to do was potter. I don’t know if I’m allowed to recommend parenting forums but Visible Child doesn’t add to my anxiety-it’s all about child led happiness and it chimes really well with me. Respectful parenting, ‘seeing’ and accepting your child, while remembering that you are also an important person. Most of it for me is getting over my own issues from my upbringing. And the main point is that you’re thinking about it and you care, so you’re already on absolutely the right track - good job xx

Please don't beat yourself up - Leave the Facebook groups and remember that people on social media show their best self. I saw social media described as a sentence in a novel that you've not read.

Try to trust your instincts - if your little ones are happy, healthy and loved, that is a success! If you're looking for some more supportive social media pages, try Mumologist and Anna Mathur on Instagram (not sure if they have Facebook pages) but they are really helpful and talk about the "good enough" mum.

@notactuallylolling I was thinking the same thing about getting rid of the Facebook groups. I just find it so intimidating. I’m not a crafty person either and I don’t bake, so falling down on both counts!
I made some play doh the day before yesterday and they wouldn’t even touch it. So ungrateful Yes to the getting irritated too. Not so much with the D.C. but with myself. I always feel like I’ve failed if it doesn’t go to plan. They do absolutely love to read, so we do that a lot. They just love being with me really, but I just cannot chill out!

@Tiredandold1 I’ll have a look for that forum, thank you

What you say about it being issues from your own childhood definitely resonates with me. I just desperately want my children to have a happy upbringing. It’s gotten worse since my husband left as well because it’s now all on me to make our children’s lives well rounded. So much pressure

Ditch the FB. Ditch any social media, WhatsApp groups, "friends" etc that make you feel this way.

You are the only mum that matters to your DC. Who gives a flying fuck what anyone else is doing? Not your DC. They love you and you are enough.

So get your priorities straight. You, looking after yourself and that includes your mental health and self worth. Then, your DC. What makes them happy and helps release their joyfulness.

At 18 months just hanging out with mum, doing chores, exploring the world, is the best games for them, honestly.

Thank you @SlumMumBum I will have a look for them

It’s silly really. Everyone comments about what happy, chilled out children they are, yet I still worry. My HV identified them as slightly delayed in their speech which has given me more worry. I’ve got exercises I’m supposed to do with them, so worry I’m doing all that wrong as well. Tbh they seem to pick up more just from general talking and watching a bit of Mr Tumble with me

Hi, I get this kind of anxiety too. I only have one DD, also 18 months, I had PNA for first year. Got various things in place to help combat it now (did have before lockdown anyway).

One thing I find really useful for keeping my anxiety on simmer, especially now, is to go off social media and surfing the internet for at least one full day (longer if possible). I allow myself a phonecall (or two) but thats it. Find it really helps me to focus on me and my DD and stops the spirialling thoughts/perfectionism/comparing to die down. Social media is insidious, creeps in, like a package left on the porch you think 'how nice I'll just take a look inside' and bam all these tiny bits of styrofoam packaging come out first and cover your hair, your clothes, they get in your nose, literally everywhere. You might have a shiny new toy/outfit in your package and feel like you got something nice out of the experience (which is true you have) but all the crap that comes with it (the overthinking, the merrygoround of comparing/analyising of the self) takes ages to get off. So it's important to have regular breaks. Especially for people like us, more sensitive types. I always think I want the social media when I am hooked in, but after even a few hours off I already feel better, then after a day I havent missed it and Im better at not checking it the day after. Til i slowly get sucked back in, then realise a detox is again needed. Maybe tomorrow....

@Zenlifeforme that’s a brilliant description of SM. I sometimes find myself looking though it for ideas to do with the twins instead of playing with my twins who are right in front of me. It’s crazy really.

A detox could well be in order

If it makes you feel better mine are the opposite. 3 and 5 and they want me involved in what they are doing every minute of every day. I feel so guilty saying no sometimes but I'm so anxious and depressed that it's hard to engage fully.

@Alpacamabags I’m sorry you are feeling that way. That must be very hard

Don’t get me wrong though, mine need loads of entertaining as well. Definitely no putting them in front of CBeebies while you have a coffee

Yeah don't get me wrong I love them with all my heart. I try to structure 2/3 activities a day led by me but they struggle so much to play alone the rest of the time. Some days are definitely better than others but I do still find it tough. I am used to working full time though. I give them my all every evening and weekend but now it's every day. I know it's me that's unreasonable but I need time to calm down too x