Breastfeeding guilt.... help me make sense of this

[CatAnnoyance]

My second baby decided to make an appearance five days ago, six weeks early. He's currently in neonatal but doing really well, no longer in an incubator and needs no support.

I breastfed my first baby for 5 months then weaned her onto formula before I went back to work. I hated breastfeeding and when I look back it ruined my maternity leave, the stress of it and the pressure and the relentlessness.

So this time my partner and I said we would combine breastfeeding and formula to take a bit of pressure off.

But my baby boy had other ideas and rocked up early and now I'm in a panic all over again thinking the only way he will get better is if he has my breast milk. The guilt is making me feel sick.

Since day one I have been regularly expressing colostrum and he's been having that mixed with a bit of formula to top him up. But today my milk has started to come in I think - much more milky coloured and watery than the colostrum.

I feel under so much pressure to continue to pump away every two hours to get him this precious milk and I dread it. I can't relax, it's on my mind all the time, but if I don't do it and he mainly has formula does it mean he won't get better.

I'm such a mess this morning. I just want to do the best for him and it is drummed into me that the best is breast milk.

I don't have much advice but just remember this is short term. It feels so long when you're in it. I hated every second of breastfeeding and was relieved on DD1 when they advised I stop as baby wasn't getting enough (section baby). You have done wonderfully giving him what you have. Could you ask them how long it's necessary for and then you would have an end in sight. The fact that he needs so support is surely a great sign? Your mental health is so important too. Sorry can't give proper advice.

Firstly, congratulations! You're in a stressful situation within a stressful national situation right now, be kind to yourself.

Breast milk is wonderful, there's no disputing that. But fed is best. You're doing a wonderful thing for your baby by expressing right now, but it's clearly causing you a lot of anxiety. Have you talked with the team involved in your babies care? Don't be afraid to say how you feel, you're struggling. Acknowledge that. The team involved with you and your baby will be much better placed to give you advice.

Colostrum is amazing stuff, and it's fantastic that you gave that to your baby - even if you decide to stop breastfeeding, you have not failed.

You have to do what is best for you, your family and your baby. That might mean you keep expressing for a set period of time, it might mean that you stop now that you've given your baby colostrum.

You are doing your best in difficult circumstances, remember that. ♥️♥️

Thank you for your messages.

I have spoken to the lovely staff in neonatal today and they're very black and white about it, they're saying don't put myself under so much pressure and he's getting everything he needs. If I want to stop expressing then stop.

But I feel like I'm letting him down. I hate this feeling.

I've been up most of the night googling to try and find reassurance that stopping is fine, but it's almost like search results are tailored to point towards breast is best so I've ended up feeling worse.

I combination fed for a couple of weeks, but she didn't want to feed, my milk didn't fully come in, I was physically wrecked, it just turned into a massive stress for both of us.

So she was entirely FF from 3 weeks. I felt bad, like I wasn't doing enough. But it was the right thing to do for our family, my sanity, her comfort.

DD is now 3.5yo she's healthy, she's bright, we're bonded, there is no way to tell she was formula fed.

Sure, in an ideal world. We'd all give birth by candlelight, our babies would 'suckle at the breast' (puke) until 2yo, we'd live on a small holding in the mountains drinking milk from our own goats and growing our own veg. But in real life, a baby who is loved and fed is the very best we can do for them.

When my son was in neonatal I only expressed every 4 hours. Would spacing it out help you cope a bit? 3 days after my milk came in I had enough to feed him 50% of his feeds. He's always been mixed fed, even now at 3 months. I feed him on bresst now a partial feed using a nature bond pump to catch letdown then i top him up with a bottle. I collect enough milk during the day this way so my partner can feed him in the evenings though its a mix of EBF and formula. Much less stressful than feeding all the time plus formula top ups mean im not stressing over whether he gets enough or feeding every 1 to 2 hours (he now goes 4 or 5 during the day and 6 to 7 hours at night). Neonatal will have him on a feeding schedule gradually spacing it apart. They got my son to feeding every 4 hours when he was discharged. It was very easy to stick to. Congratulations and dont stress whatever you decide to do. You've done amazing giving him milk.

You're not letting him down if you stop op! You've done super and what you have managed to express will have boosted him I'm sure. There is nothing to feel guilty about by stopping, after all fed is best. Lots of love and nourishment is what he needs from you and if continuing to breast feed is bringing you down then stop. Congratulations on your early surprise though!

Thank you so much everyone for your lovely comments. I honestly feel much better after reading them.

The team on neonatal also suggested I cut down to expressing every four hours and already that feels better, like a weight has been lifted (apart from the guilt).

He’ll be absolutely fine on formula. My twins arrived 5 weeks early, they had the colostrum and expressing just became too much so now they are on formula with just one expressed feed a day. Only 3 months old but not physically or developmentally behind full term babies.

Congratulations! I'm so glad your little boy is doing well. I had a similar experience to you and just wanted to reassure you that either breastfed or formula fed, or a mix, he'll be just fine.

I was so determined to breastfeed and felt I'd prepared as well as I could. Then all went pear shaped 3 days after birth when my LO ended up in NICU with infection and dehydration. I expressed until he was 2 weeks old but just couldn't continue as I was mentally and physically exhausted. Felt a huge relief when I stopped expressing but soon had massive guilt about FF, all the feelings you're describing, which I think contributed to PND.

Best thing I did was have CBT and medication for PND which completely lifted the fog and made me realise that I had nothing to feel guilty about. I tried my best to breastfeed but it just didn't work out. It will always be a regret but sometimes life just doesn't go as planned and you have to move to plan B. Formula milk is absolutely fine as a substitute and has saved the lives of many babies when BFeeding doesn't work for whatever reason. It certainly worked wonders for us! Once my PND was treated I had a wonderful mat leave with my healthy, happy baby who is now 14m old.

However things work out for you, please try not to dwell on guilt about breastfeeding. It really is one small part of bringing up your child, but has huge emphasis placed on it which I think puts massive pressure on new mums. I fully support BF and know the benefits (I'm a HCP) and will try to BF again if I'm lucky enough to have more kids. But if I end up FF again I certainly won't be worried. Congratulations again and enjoy this precious time, I hope you get home very soon!

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply, I honestly feel better and you have all reassured me. Baby is doing so well and is being fed half breast milk and half formula at each feed. I'm expressing four hourly and it's taken a lot of pressure off. I know my milk will dry up quicker and I think it will still make me sad, but I need to get past it and focus on being happy with my gorgeous baby.

I wish I'd never googled it the other night, honestly talk about making mums feel a hundred times bloody worse

There's a brilliant formula feeding Facebook group if you're on Facebook... plus a pro 'fed is best' Facebook group called 'motherhood without the woo' which shares research journal articles for a more scientific view of breastfeeding vs formula than you may be reading online! Honestly don't trust everything you read about breastfeeding! I exclusively breastfed my first baby for 7 months and he has tummy troubles with my breastmilk (diagnosed with a milk allergy but never proven). I ahouls have put him on prescriptipn formula much earlier as once I did switch he was SO much better and happier and so was I! But I continued breastfeeding longer than I maybe should have because of the pressure and all the breastfeeding benefits that get bandied round. When I actually looked at the scientific evidence I felt much better. Even his paediatrician admitted thst she'd been telling me to stick to breastfeeding purely because she was following policy, but actually it it was her son she'd have given him formula by now. That was good enough for me and made me stop feeling guilty. In fact now I feel guilty for not switching any earlier, and I feel a bit foolish for being taken in by the breastfeeding propaganda; I'm doing a PhD and it's unlike me not to thoroughly research something but for some reason I just accepted whatever I was told about breastfeeding at NCT etc...

If you are happy to express every 4 hours, great. But if you aren't, and it is affecting your mental health, then don't. YOU are more important to your baby than the form of milk it's getting. And major congratulations by the way!

I wasn't in your situation but had absolutely terrible bf guilt. I would cry and cry for days. Then when I thought I was over it I would start crying again. In the moment it feels like you are a complete failure. But my son is 2 now and I do not feel guilty in the slightest. So just try to keep focused that right now you are tired, stressed and hormonal which is adding to your guilt. One day you will forgive yourself!

My mum is a HV and they are encouraged obviously to promote breast. However fed is definitely best and as PP days you'll never be able to tell the difference. Keeping yourself well is also super important for babies recovery and you are stressed enough.