Unhelpful partner

[katiee1999]

Hi everyone,

Just wanted some advice on whether or not I'm being unreasonable. I breastfeed my baby, and I feel as if my partner thinks that it means he doesn't have to do the majority of other things to help. For example, it's a lovely sunny day, and I've been dying to sit in the garden, but baby has been unsettled all day and constantly crying for no apparent reason, so obviously I'm trying to comfort him as much as possible but my partner just sits in the garden with a beer on his phone? He can clearly hear the baby crying and knows he's being especially fussy today. Anyway, i finally settle him, go outside, sit down, and I make a very obvious 'sigh' and he says 'you stopped him from crying, big deal' so, I tell him to f*ck off and I'm now upstairs having a cry 🤦🏼‍♀️ anyone know how to deal with a partner like this? I'm so upset and need some advice or anyone else who experiences similar, can you help??

He sounds like an absolute fucking dick, what on earth do you see in him? If DH treated me like that we'd have had one very frank conversation and he'd have either got his arse in gear or he'd have been out on it. I'd lay down the law and get him to treat you properly, or make him leave.

OMG poor you. My partner is also being a dick if it makes you feel any better. He's currently watching ninja wars and sulks if I take the remote. He's not normally this much of a knob. Quarantine seems to bring out the worst in people. Poor you. Thank god I don't have a baby xx

**anyone know how to deal with a partner like this?

Hmmmm a few ideas come to mind op!

He sounds like a twat to be honest.

How old is your little one? I also breastfeed and I think at first dh thought that meant only I could settle him, but he still tried and now at 4 months has his own ways of calming the boy down.

I think you need to have a full on conversation, when you're feeling calmer, to lay it all out for him? Does he help in other ways, like nappies or around the house with cooking etc while you feed? You really need support and he shouldn't need nagging to provide it but maybe a push? I hope you get to have a rest, you definitely deserve one! Xxx

Be direct.

'If I go in and settle the baby you need to say well done darling and have an icy glass of wine waiting for me when I'm finished'

It's hard, you need to champion each other along to survive.

Also give him a gentle reminder about his attitude.

Sounds awful, it's his child who is not happy as much as yours, if you're feeding him due to breastfeeding then surely he should feel he has to do more of the rest of the stuff to make up for the bits he can't do?
Well i struggle a lot to settle our boy and sometimes he just wants his mummy whatever i do but i do have a jolly good go and it's as much my job as it is hers.
Not sure what to suggest though, he needs a change of mindset not just a little word, and changing mindset requires a lot of effort especially for fully grown adults

Speaking as a partner of a breastfeeding mum here, I actually sometimes wonder if I am doing enough, especially at night.

I don't envy your problem, but I wonder if you are communicating together? Have you tried telling or asking him in clear terms what you expect of him? The fact that he should have automatically started behaving like a responsible adult/father aside, there is clearly a mismatch between what you both expect should be happening.

What was he like before the baby?

Yes just to add to Marvin above, i did find as a partner it wasn't exactly clear what my role should be and everyone is finding their place after the birth of their child, mother included to some degree. I didn't really have any convenient role model for this so i had to do a lot of thinking and trying things. Perhaps he does need some help dropping his defences and realising he can make a difference to his son as well.

With breastfeeding, i fed my babies then woke my dh, and my dh winded and resettled them as i went back to sleep.

How much of the nappy changing, dressing and bathing is your partner doing?

My DH isn't very good at seeing what needs doing for himself but if I said, I'm going to settle the baby, would you make us both lunch? Or, if I feed the baby will you change him after and take him for a long walk so that I can have a shower in peace, he'd be only to willing to do it.

My partner always offers help but doesn’t necessarily know what he should do to help (also breastfeeding) I’ve learnt I need to ask him - like ‘when I’ve finished feeding please can you get up with the baby, I’m exhausted I’ve been awake most of the night! (He usually hasn’t noticed)’ or whilst feeding can you make me a drink I’m thirsty and I can’t get it right now. I have to physically say - I haven’t had a shower all day because I’ve had a million things going on, can I go without the baby! It is a little infuriating but he is actually happy to do it. It’s easier now DS is 4 months he needs as much playing as he does feeding so partner feels more able to get involved and I get a bit more freedom. You need to talk. When you’re calm. This is hard and you need to be a team, if you are at war with each other you’ll burn out and blow out.
Good Luck. Say your bit but make sure you listen as well.