Baby number 2 regrets

[UterusesBeforeDuderuses]

Please don't judge me for this, I already judge myself, but I feel like I regret having baby number 2. I have a 22mo DS and a nearly 7 week old DD, and I feel like we made a massive mistake.
We were happy before, our DS stubborn and loves a good tantrum but we adore him and love our life with him. He was sleeping well, my DH and I had a good relationship, everything was going well. I genuinely don't remember the reasons we decided to have another, but honestly at this point I wish we hadn't. I know everything is made harder and worse by the lockdown, which makes me feel like I can't really complain about it too much as I know there are a lot of people who have it harder, but being stuck in with them makes me dread every day. I want to wake up and deal with another day, the same as the last, with my baby. I feel like I'm not being the mum I should be to my DS because of my DD and I resent her for it. I'm not even dealing with it all alone, my DH is WFH upstairs but he takes her up with him as much as he can, so I feel like again I can't complain. But every time I hear her cry or make any noise I get this horrible feeling of dread because I know he'll be bringing her downstairs soon.
I may be remembering with rose tinted glasses, but by this age DS was smiling and sleeping and enjoyable to be around. She's a miserable little thing a lot of the time and I don't enjoy being around her at all. Al the stress is making DH and I argue, we don't sleep in the same room anymore so he can get some sleep for work and he deals with DS is he wakes in the night. I feel like I've lost the relationship I had with my DS and my DH.
Sorry for the long rant, I don't even know what I wanted from this, I think I just needed to write it out and have someone tell me that it gets better, because so far it's just getting worse and worse.

Please speak to the GP this sounds like it could already be PND.

Babies that cry a lot are really hard work and draining

Are you able to tell DH how you are feeling because keeping it bottled up may make you spiral downwards fast.

Yes it does get better! Honestly it does and to find the adjust tough isn't unusual.

Sounds hard OP.
I would try and speak to GP, see if they can do anything to help

That’s miserable and sounds like textbook PND. Please talk to your GP and be kind to yourself.

It does get better. I’m about 7 months in front of you and vividly remember how tough it was at that stage. It’s still a lot of work now, but it definitely has got easier. Feel free to pm me if you want.

When I look back on my second being a newborn I struggled a lot to bond with her. I found I put her down at the first opportunity abd definitely know your feeling of dread when they start stirring.She wasn't even a difficult baby but I felt so stretched. And it was a cycle of I can't do this, I don't care, I'm a rubbish mum etc.

When they're toddlers you kind of know what to expect from them and have your little routines on place. Newborns are basically strangers that you have to get to know and find out what makes them tick etc (I think I forgot that with my first as I had no other pressures other than focusing my attention on him where as with a newborn and a toddler you're being pulled in So many directions. I think a part of me also expected them to be the same as my first (like getting them to sleep, feeding etc.)

It's good you've recognised you are struggling. I honestly wished I asked for more help so if you can take any opportunity for help. And after a lot of soul searching I realised I'm definitely not a fan of the newborn stage but you know with your first you're not stuck there forever.

Things do get easier as your second gets older. Those routines and knowing them inside and out will fall into place. Don't put pressure on yourself as honestly your toddler won't remember that you didn't give him as much attention during this time (I had 18 months between mine so similar age gap). Do what you can and what you can't do don't give a thought to.

A toddler and baby are hard enough on their own but combined it is definitely something else In A way you can't describe to someone who hasn't been through it. You're stronger than you think and as mothers we spend way to much time worrying about the things we didn't do and don't give ourselves any credit for the things we did achieve.

You're baby is happy and healthy = you're winning
You're toddler has learnt to play by himself= you're winning
You're little family are safe and healthy= you're winning

Don't give a moments worry to anything else ❤️❤️

Sorry I've got verbal diarrhoea 🤦‍♀️ but only because I know exactly how you're feeling and that it does get better ❤️

I feel the same way at the moment though with a slightly older baby and a bigger age gap. In some ways regret having number 2, as lovely as she is life is so much harder and this pandemic doesn’t help. Getting out of the house used to be how I destressed. You are not alone in feeling this way. My hope is that things get easier as the second child gets older and once this tricky situation passes x

This does sound like PND but also it's important to realise that some babies are just extra extra hard. Your daughter sounds JUST like my 18 month old when he was tiny. Oh god he was hard work. He cried all the time and was so miserable. I felt like I was walking on egg shells with him and the sound of his incessant crying drove me up the wall. I do think I had PND (probably should have seen a GP as it got quite bad actually)... however if you've never had a hard baby you just don't know what it's like and no amount of PND diagnosis if going to transform a hard baby into an easy one - but maybe give you some coping strategies. If it's any help, my miserable little newborn (who I totally regretted having and really resented when he was tiny) is now the most delightful, happiest, smartest little toddler in the world. He's still a handful and very strong willed but we realise now that he just really hated being a baby and just didn't suit that stage. He throws the odd tantrum now but is a total delight to be around. The toughest, most miserable of babies do grow up too and your children will be amazing siblings for each other. You just have to survive this stage. I don't feel any guilt about not enjoying ny son's newborn phase as it was the worst time of my life by far... but it'll be over before you know it. It must be tough feeling like you're not there enough for your son and yes lockdown must make things worse, but you love him and that's enough. Siblings cope.

That sense of dread when my second baby cried after about 5 weeks was when I knew I had PND again. I hid it from everyone with my first. This time I went to the doctors. He offered me medication. I declined. A local service rang me up and I had an amazing phone call and bizarrely just acknowledging I had PND and facing it head on actually made it go away.

Also I agree with Surreygirl. I love my 3 year old dearly but she was an AWFUL baby. Never stopped crying. Ever. No amount of help ot meds could have made that situation any better. She is an amazing little girl though and I do think so many of her great characteristics now were also why she could just never settle as a baby.

Please get assessed for PND, do not let this difficult time damage your relationship with your DC

Oh you poor thing. I could have written exactly this myself 7 years ago. Fortunately I now see DD as the wonderful addition to our family that she but she was such hard work when she was little! Agree with others, please go and speak with your GP. Take any help you get offered and keep talking to your DH.

Hey - I don’t think it sounds like PND, I think it sounds like the nightmare we are in with lockdown. I’m in a similar boat although with a slightly older DC2 and if we weren’t under lockdown we’d be doing baby classes, seeing family and friends for support etc. You / I don’t have that and it’s fucking hard. Like me you might also be mourning the lack of mat leave as you thought it would be and special bonding time with your new one.

Hang in there xx

Thank you for all your replies and advice. I think the lockdown has made everything worse and more intense, but I'm going to speak to my GP today to try and make sure it doesn't get worse. Just need to remind myself that it will get better eventually