Post natal depression help?!

[Poppygirl96]

I don’t know what to do, I have severe clinical depression (which I had before pregnancy) and now has spiralled into pnd. Me and my partner have split and our son is 5 months old, I have anxiety I can’t sleep and I am finding it really hard to love my baby and I feel like I’ve made a mistake.

He doesn’t deserve me. I can’t look at my baby for too long without feeling anxious and scared (he is fed clothed warm and always happy) but I just can’t bond with him. I was ok when I was with his dad but we’ve recently split (my choice) about a month ago and my pnd has gotten much worse since then. I am on antidepressants but because of covid -19 I can’t get CBT/therapy and I’m on the waiting list for a telephone session.

Until then I don’t know what to do. I have tried to call 111 for more support and they are completely busy. I’m unable to even perform basic tasks for myself day to day apart from keeping my son alive and usually lay in bed all day and struggle to play with him.

Being single and lonely stuck in my house isn’t helping and I don’t know who to turn to or what to say (I don’t have any friends and I don’t want my family to judge me or think I’m a bad mum so I can’t confide in them).

I cry almost all day and lay in bed. DS is with his dad for the week who is trying to be supportive but doesn’t know how else to help me.

Every time I look at a picture of DS I get anxious and feel like a failure and like I don’t love him although I desperately want to and he reminds me of his dad and our breakup as well which makes it harder. Please any advice/what can I do? :(

Please contact the GP first thing on Monday. They are doing telephone consultations, they will be able to increase your antidepressants or change to a different one. If you are feeling really desperate and can’t wait until Monday you could call the out of hours/extended hours to see if they can help -I’m just not sure what resources they have tbh as they often say for patients to contact their own surgery when they are open. Do also contact your health visitor.

please think about speaking to family members. Why do you think they would judge you? Are they not supportive in general or do you usually have a good relationship but maybe the PND is clouding your thinking?

Would chatting to someone tonight help?
www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

I’m really sorry I don’t have any better suggestions, I hope someone more knowledgable comes along soon.

I personally think the fact that you are posting on here shows you have an underlining and overarching love for your son. It may just be hard to 'feel' that love with the depression weighing in. Would it be worth seeing if your ex could move in with you whilst we are all isolating? Whilst you aren't together anymore sounds as though he is being supportive and having someone else in the house may help?

I would suggest trying to force yourself into a bit of a routine. Something really simple like showering before 12 and eating something every 3 hours or so. This will help break up these long boring days and also make you feel like you are achieving goals. Same for when your son comes back. Set a goal each day like read a book together today or give him a bath. And don't worry if you can't achieve it one day (I have simple tasks in my to do list for weeks!) it isn't a failure but I think in these crazy times we have to try and centre our days around something otherwise we will all get a bit lost.

And do contact out of hours or your GP first thing Monday. As another has said they can up your prescription or perhaps try to bump you up the waiting list for your therapy.

In the meantime...keep posting. Keep talking.

By posting on here you are already doing better than you think your are, I promise x

@CFlips I split from my ex as I just felt like we were very different people and that I had fallen out of love with him (I guess I stayed because we fell pregnant and I tried to make it work). He still loves me so it’s very awkward for us and he’s asked me to move out of our shared house so that he can heal (which is fair enough). As much as I could use his support I know it would be very unfair to lead him on. I’ve only been on the antidepressants for two weeks and I started a new brand a few days ago so I don’t know if I should just give it time or?

@Distressingtimes I would but I’ve already changed to a second anti depressant as the first one didn’t do much (was on it for two weeks) and was told it gains you weight. I’m just started on a new one for a few days so I’m not sure if I should give it a bit more time or not :( In the meantime I’m really miserable

@Distressingtimes also my family are quite judgemental and don’t really understand depression so I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to them about it especially as I would probably start crying and don’t want them to see that

Ah I see. I do understand that is a difficult one. If you have been on them for 2 weeks I think they said it can take a good few weeks to get into your system and work. It's a horrible time really in the waiting area. Could always discuss with GP and see what they say. Just keep talking to us OP x

I may be wrong, but i think that if you're going to be the full time residential parent, then you should be the one staying in the family house and your ex should be finding somewhere new to live...?

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow I can’t afford the mortgage and bills on my own and my ex earns more than double what I am earning and pays the majority of both. And as I am the one who wants to split i think it’s fair that I leave. I will stay at my dads place for now until my ex can afford to buy me out of the house and then I’ll use the money as a deposit for somewhere else and our DS will be with me the majority

Hi OP I had clinical depression before DD and I also had antenatal and post natal depression. I have just yesterday in fact weaned off my antidepressants. Bloody terrifying. They do take time to kick in and its hard but when they start to help it is worth sticking with it. While in the depths of the depression I felt little for my DD I had wanted her for so long but I felt completely useless, an awful mother, I was my own biggest critic and that's the hardest part. You loose all your energy beating yourself up.
The other posters are right push the gp for help. There is the talking changes service you can self refer to I'm not sure what area you are in. Hang in though for the call back therapy is the key.
Until then little steps, you say your little guy is fed, clothed, warm and happy, well done you! That's really hard work and you deserve all the credit in the world for that, even if you don't believe it right now. Try adding one step for you into the day if you can, my faves were making a cup of tea, getting dressed or eating something.
Above all please don't think this will last forever, you already seem to be making steps towards making yourself happier and people who don't love their kids sure don't sit around worrying about it.

Depending on the type of antidepressants that you're taking, they can take a good six weeks to start having a positive affect, and can make you feel worse to begin with, so I really think you need to give them more time to kick in.

This charitable organisation are a life line and will be able to offer you real life support -www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/

I second getting in touch with your GP as soon as possible too. Best wishes x