Finding it hard to love/bond with my baby?

[Poppygirl96]

Apologies if this is in the wrong place.

I had my baby early via emergency c-section at 34 weeks so I have always felt like I didn’t really work that hard to bring him into the world, it happened too quickly and when he was born and hooked up to machines I found it really hard to bond with him.

I only had my son because I was using it as a way to try to fix my relationship with my ex hoping it would make me love him and would be a distraction against my mental health issues and our relationship problems. It was so irresponsible to have a baby knowing that I didn’t really love his dad and that I had long standing mental health issues, depression and anxiety for years.

Because of all of this I have found it really hard to love my son. I take care of him on a day to day and make sure he’s fed and clothed and I change his nappy. But it all feels so so routine and like I’m doing it just to keep him alive. I don’t look into his eyes and feel love and when he cries I only console him like a robot because I know you can’t leave a crying baby. I don’t cuddle him or instinctively rub his head or kiss him and when I do I’m only doing it because I feel like I am a horrible person if I don’t or that I am trying to prove I love my child. He’s 5 months old (corrected) and smiles and laughs and is happy all day, I just wish I felt the same way so I could project it onto him and show him happiness and love.

I live with my ex so I am dealing with the anxiety about having to move out and find my own place and live on my own without his support and now all of my depression issues are coming back. I don’t want it to affect my son and I want to love him so badly and be there for him as the best mum ever. I cry every day and feel anxious when around my son and find it hard to play with him or read to him without having to force myself.

I am on anti-depressants and I had started seeing a therapist (but she got too expensive) so I’m waiting to be treated with any sort of free therapy on the NHS but may be an (understandable) while because of COVID-19. I was suicidal before and the thoughts are slowly creeping back and I’m scared to admit it to anyone in case they take my son away (and my family would only judge me).

Also, this could just be a place for me to offload (apart from my head without going crazy) but if anyone has any advice or stories or anything they’ve been through (even slightly similar) id greatly appreciate it.

I’m so sorry you are feeling like this, it’s just not fair is it. There are services that can help you and your baby and the lady thing they want is to separate you and take your baby away. Can you google perinatal mental health and your local area. Something should come up as there has been a lot of investment recently. I work in an inpatient mother and baby unit and how you are feeling is very common and can absolutely be treated and helped. Take care x

Last thing...not lady thing!! And also inpatient care isn’t the only option, there are a lot of community and outreach services to help too. Could you contact your hv to request a referral?

Poor darling, it sounds like you have quite serious post natal depression and should contact your GP via phone if you can.

Also, without wanting to be patronising, a massive well done on the care you are giving your child, it can seem a huge hurdle to even do the basics and here you are nailing it day after day, making sure he’s clean, fed, clothed and comforted. Give yourself some credit.

Honestly, I had a traumatic birth and a few difficulties at home and with wider family and also felt a struggle to bond. Also, we started trying quite early because I wasn't sure whether I would be able to have kids and then I got pregnant straight away and I struggled to adjust to not having the year or more that I assumed I would have before I had a baby if you see what I mean.

My daughter is now 2. I love her to bits truly madly deeply. I turned a corner when I made more mum friends and then again when my daughter became much more communicative and it felt like more of a two way conversation all the time. If you have just broken up with your ex and you don't have anyone to share the truly difficult early mum experience with, you must be very lonely.

Looking back, I realise that I had a mild case of PND and a severe case of loneliness. I obviously can't diagnose your issues, but do you think this may be part of it? You mention that you expect that others in your life would judge you and I wonder if you have close mum friends who you can talk to, even if not about your perceived lack of bond with your son, about the difficulties of being a new mum particularly in your current living situation.

Everyone talks about mothers' bonds with their babies and it can feel very pressurised, as if if your love for your child has to be "enough for you" to overlook all the other shit that might be going on in your life. You are allowed to feel both love for your child and sadness for the other stuff. And I am sure that in time you will feel both.

You sound like you are really trying your best and lots of good ideas up above. But if they don't work, don't feel bad if you explore the adoption route - can be the kindest thing all round for everyone in the long term. Good luck OP

Your last sentence says you dont want your baby taken away. Why not?
Because you do want him right.
So hold onto that. Try and get some support.
Tell your gp

@miccymaccy no I want my son and I want to live my son, I couldn’t ever give him up for adoption nor would he father allow it (he loves him to pieces) and as we live together we are trying to co-parent our son the best way possible. I’m sure that me not feeling love towards my son is more to do with my depression than him or anything else and I want to get help for that so that I can love my son and be there for him. I would never give up on him (I’d give up on myself before I ever do that, and I don’t think I could ever go through with giving up on myself).

Love* not live apologies

@thetoddleratemyhomework no I don’t have really any friends (the few friends I did have kinda dropped me after I got pregnant, I’m guessing as I couldn’t do ‘fun’ things like drinking or clubbing anymore). Because of the virus everything is closed so I can’t even go to mum and baby groups to try and make friends or go to a meet up or the gym to help with my mental state. And as I live with my ex and take care of our son whilst he works during the day its hard for me to exercise at home. But I’m trying to do little things each day on my own like exercise or go for a walk to help me. I do fee incredibly lonely but don’t know what to do about it... :(

Some baby classes are going online via Zoom, could you try that? Check Facebook for local baby sensory groups etc?

To me the fact that you're so worried about not loving him is proof that you do. It's so hard having a baby just now what with Coronavirus keeping us from socializing, and you have the prem birth and living with your ex on top of all that - no wonder you're finding it tough. And in the midst of that you're 'expected' to love a new human who you barely know yet.

Be kind to yourself. Trust that you love him and you'll come to realize that you do. Don't judge yourself as I can assure you he's not.