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Struggling with 12 yo DS

5 replies

Cheerfullygo4 · 01/04/2020 16:39

Really struggling parenting my nearly 13 year old DS. He is in First year of High School having moved to an out of catchment secondary (Scotland) to try to give him a fresh start. He has two much older siblings but lives the life of an only child due to siblings being away at Uni and work. He is incredibly stubborn and struggles to control his anger. He shouts and storms off even when he knows that there will be firm but fair consequences. He is unable to change the path even though his Dad and I give him ways of doing so. He tends to try to deflect advice back to the giver. E.g at the moment trying to get him to do some school work, he will just say well you aren't doing anything either even though I have been doing work for my class (teacher). He struggles to accept blame and is very unmotivated to improve his skills - sports, music as soon as others who do put the effort in, improve more quickly than him. He will never apologise and seems unable to reflect that his reaction was unreasonable. We encourage our son and have tried over the years to allow him to find things he would like to do but he loses interest after the first few weeks. His last primary school teacher told us he was untrustworthy, manipulative and and had no friends due to his superior attitude and unpleasant behaviour towards his peers. We have two older children who are pleasant, kind and well balanced children. Our DS has been given the same opportunities and family values. My DH is the kindest, most reasonable man going and our DS seems to have none of these qualities. I am more reactive. I'm at a real loss and have really come to a dead end in being able to deal with this and help our son develop into a kind, empathetic man. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Bringringbring12 · 01/04/2020 16:49

* His last primary school teacher told us he was untrustworthy, manipulative and and had no friends due to his superior attitude and unpleasant behaviour towards his peers.*

What was your response to this?

Cheerfullygo4 · 01/04/2020 16:57

We certainly could recognise that he had a good measure of our son. Obviously it wasn't the best last parents night to ever have. We actively try to support DS to make good choices in terms of behaviour and how he comes across to others. He just seems unable to make positive changes or see that aspects of the way he behaves isn't acceptable to others.

OP posts:
Jossina · 02/04/2020 05:02

Maybe, it sounds extreme, he just doesn't care. Is a possible he's got Antisocial Personality Disorder?

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SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 02/04/2020 05:51

Is he aware of what other people think of him, and does he seem to care?

cornishdreams1 · 02/04/2020 06:24

I am not an expert, at all, but if this was my child I would actually step up the amount of time dh and I would spend with him on a one to one basis, try and get underneath the behaviour, and find out how he sees the world. How he feels, until you do you are just fumbling around for answers. How does he feel about his friends? School?

FIshing, walking, sports and driving all help with deeper conversations, because generally teens and pre teens don't like an abundance of eye contact or intensity. So keep it light, start allocating time to just him. when things go wrong are you asking him what he would have done better? It might be that he is feeling defensive because there are bigger problems in his life.

If you genuinely find that he doesn't care for others, and that the special time he is receiving makes no difference in six months then I would probably organise an assessment for him.

Stay on his side op, he is your child and he needs you, even if he can't or won't say so.

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