I don't know what to do.
I've been off sick from work for a considerable time, quite a few months.
I'm due to go back soon. Though my health hasn't really improved enough and I don't think I want to really, partly because of that (I have chronic health issues that aren't likely to improve - they haven't for the past few years) but partly because I want to be home with dd (5). I work clinically, in the NHS and I worry about going back because I just don't feel capable of doing my job anymore. But I also feel, especially with Covid-19, that I should be there giving it a go, doing my part and just forcing myself through it (I work part time).
I want to add, that I loved my work. When I was physically able, before my health had this massive impact on it. And no amount of willing myself to be fit for it, so I can enjoy it again, has worked. So I guess rather than being keen to return, I'm dreading it because I don't feel capable.
But a major part of feeling like I don't want to go back is that I love being home with dd, even just around school hours. I would have loved to home educate her (mostly because I think formal schooling starts too early in this country) but I was concerned I wouldn't be capable with my health. As it is, this past week-10 days of being home with her has been much easier on my health than functioning around school and school commitments was. I know it hasn't been long though. I feel like now I'm getting the opportunity to spend more time with her, and I'm going to have to give that up to go and try returning to work when I don't feel up to it and it's going to undo all the good that being off for so long has gained me.
At the start of my sickness period I couldn't function day-to-day at all. All the normal jobs at home, e.g. washing up, dinner, washing, food shopping. I feel I've finally got to a stage where I can function reasonably well most of the time at home, and struggling back to work part time (with a long commute too) is almost certainly going to set me back to where I was before in a short time. (As happened the last time I tried after being off sick for a long time, I went back and ended up off sick again after a few months.)
I'm sorry for the waffly post, I just don't have anyone to talk to IRL. I don't have friends and DH appears to be incapable of having a meaningful conversation! Though I will try again, but I have to figure out what I think first really, as he is no good as a sounding board or helping to work things out together.
I am looking for other jobs that would be more suitable, but it was hard before the covid situation. As my background is clinical I have no admin qualifications, which is work I feel capable of and would be more suited to now and with 2 long sickness episodes I feel no-one would give me a chance to prove myself anyway if I could find anything to apply for. I haven't spent much time looking due to not being able to (the fatigue of my conditions mean I don't have the energy left for non-essential tasks generally), I had an interview planned for a job that seemed pretty perfect, but it was postponed (to no idea when) due to covid.
I really want to be home with dd. But I also want to earn my own money so I don't feel like a burden or like I need to ask permission to buy things or explain every penny to DH - not that he's controlling or anything it would be me feeling like I should. Or put pressure on us as a family to watch every penny to pay the bills.
Do I make the most of the time with dd and jack the job? and try to earn money from home somehow.
Do I try to do my bit for the NHS and go back to work?
Continuing to bury my head in the sand isn't an option any more!
I've done nothing but cry today over the whole situation (and left dd playing on the tablet not to witness it! Not the best way of trying to make the most of the little time I have left with her before going back but I just can't help the tears today!)
(a little bit of context why I wonder if I feel more so strongly about enjoying my time with dd is that dh and I, 99% likely, won't be having more children. Not a choice we've made, or one that we are able to control.)
Thank you if you made it to the end. I know it's long and waffly. That's my head space right now. Going round in circles and getting nowhere.
Sorry if this isn't the best topic to post in. I honestly don't know where to begin. I feel like I need counselling or something but I wouldn't know where to begin with that either.
Sorry if I'm a bit vague over some things. Trying not to be completely obvious in case anyone I know IRL reads.
Oh lastly, if I was to take some time (a couple of years for example) away from my career I would lose my professional registration too. Which is contributing to making it such a tough decision to make as it seems so final.