I keep scaring myself with bad thoughts

[Dirtygirty35]

Hi All,

I have a little boy, aged 5 (nearly). We tried very hard to get him (Multiple IVF's, multiple miscarriages).
This all started from the moment he was born, it started where i would be too scared to leave the window open when i left a room in case id come back and see a cat eating his face..or id harm him by accidentally dropping a knife onto him.
Anyway, ive just carried on with life with these thoughts. I dont have thoughts of me harming him anymore but they have progressed into vivid visions of him being attacked by an intruder, sometimes they are so bad, and come from absolutely nowhere that they make me cry.

My husband works nights so im alone with him and ive recently moved home and every night im having these thoughts of being broken into and them going for my son.

Im not sure if this is because im so scared to lose him and therefore normal or not
Tell me this is normal. Its so upsetting.

You poor thing. No it isn't normal- I mean of course we all worry about something happening to our children but the extent you're describing is extreme.
Have you ever spoken to your Gp about this? It could be a form of OCD- not the typical presentation of obsessive behaviours that people automatically think of, obsessive intrusive thoughts is another symptom of OCD. Medication and CBT can really help.

So sorry you are going through this and I’m sorry but I think this level of anxiety is not normal either.

I agree that you need to speak to your GP and that they may prescribe CBT and or medication.

It’s probably worth talking to APNI too, preferably before you speak to your GP.

Does your DH know how extreme your anxiety is too and how much you are suffering?

How are you today @Dirtygirty35?

Have you managed to speak to your DP, GP or APNI?

Hi

Oh lordy, i was expecting you all to say it was normal 😱

No, DH doesnt know the extent of it.
In my old house, id get the thoughts/visions every few months or so.
But since moving (3 weeks) im getting them alot..
I dont want to tell anyone as they will all think it was my fault for moving house.

Sorry, i dont know what CBT or APNI is.

I may talk to DP but he will just play it down and tell me to stop being silly.
I told him to put extra measures in around the house to safeguard it.

The house is bigger, i worry we will get broken into, i wont hear... and as DS bedroom is before mine, i worry that someone will harm him and i wont hear, then come the visions.... then the tears.

It’s not normal, but it’s silly either.
You can get help for this. Let your doctor know.

I agree with everyone else who suggests talking to your GP and possibly receiving medication. It's a form of OCD/anxiety, no doubt triggered by the stress of IVF and miscarriages, even although they were a few years ago. You are definitely not being silly and I do think you need to talk to someone professional. Moving house can also cause all sorts of stresses and strains, not just the practical ones, sometimes it can be a reminder of diificult house moves in the past (I speak from experience) and it can bring up lots of unwanted reminders from the past. Please speak to someone as medication can really help.

I had intrusive thoughts when I have post-natal anxiety and depression.

Not 'normal'. Please speak to your DH and your GP

Do not Google intrusive thoughts though - they will scare you more. They are just other people's thoughts though and they can't hurt you.

Neither can your own thoughts but you need to stop this obsession though

Hi OP

Actually, having these thoughts can be normal but not to the extent you are experiencing them. They are intrusive thoughts, which are unwanted thoughts of catastrophes or a scary event which could happen, but is not realistically going to.

Getting these thoughts stuck in your head or experiencing intrusive thoughts that change the way you live your live can be a sign of a period of mental unwellness which can be caused by a trauma or a condition like OCD, or perhaps you just can't pinpoint what causes it.

I would encourage you to arrange a phone ca with your GP where you are completely honest. Write down your feelings before the phone call so you have prompts and don't forget anything.

You really do need to seek urgent help Dirty, there is no way you should be suffering like this and for so long.

There is some information on CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) here.

And the APNI is the Association of Post Natal Illness. There details are here. Their Helpline is available until 2pm today or you can talk to them via Live Chat.

You really, really need to reach out and get some help though. If you can't speak to your DP first, can you speak to the APNI or your GP?

None of this is your fault either. It's not because you moved house, nobody would choose to feel like you do

That sounds exhausting. I get intrusive thoughts too. They’re worse at times of stress and moving house is a stressful time. So maybe that’s triggered them. When they happen, try to stop yourself going down the wormhole of thinking whatever that intrusive thought is. So just say out loud ‘no!’ Or ‘stop!’ Get off the intrusive thought train. Also, remember, that the reason you find these thoughts distressing is because you are a good mum. You love your child so much and that’s why they upset you. Also, find someone who understand it and text/ring/tell them that you’re having them at the mo. Try to get them out of your head but talking about them. You don’t have to describe them but just say to someone ‘I’m having intrusive thoughts at the moment and they’re pissing me off’. Sometimes I tell my thoughts to fuck off. That also helps.

Wow!

Sounds pretty unanimous that this isnt normal. 😔
Ive honestly been thinking that most parents think the way i do.

I only seem to have these at night, when im going or getting ready for bed, i just assumed it was because subconsciously i dont like being at home at night on my own.
Unfortunately DH isnt in a position to work days at the moment..

I just tried to approach the subject but got as far as 'we need a lock on the kitchen door, i dont feel safe' then i bottled it. I dont feel like i want to tell him, or anyone else.

Thing is, its not me. Hubby has worked nights throughout our whole relationship but this only started after having DS and i only fear, for DS... not me. I never have thoughts of anyone doing anything to me, just him. They go as quick as they come and im left horrified of what i just thought.

Im not sure what to do ref the doctors, with this CV, my issue isnt exactly an emergency.

Sometimes I tell my thoughts to fuck off. That also helps.

I do this meditation by Tom Evans where is tells you to ask your thoughts where them came from. The idea is that one thought replaces the other. Telling them to duck off should work just as well though

It's absolutely fine to call the Drs and ask for an appointment, our are doing telephone and video appointments.

Please do not just do nothing, you've suffered long enough

You're having what's called intrusive thoughts. They are a symptom of post partum depression (PPD), and also of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

Thing is, its not me. Hubby has worked nights throughout our whole relationship but this only started after having DS and i only fear, for DS... not me. I never have thoughts of anyone doing anything to me, just him.

This makes sense. You probably developed a type of PPD after you had your son - which is why you didn't have the thoughts until he was on the scene, and why the thoughts centre on him and his safety.

They go as quick as they come and im left horrified of what i just thought.

It's actually normal to have intrusive thoughts - pretty much everyone has them. The part that isn't normal is that they sort of get stuck in your head and really upset you/ cause you to suffer. Most folk dismiss their intrusive thoughts so quickly that they may not even be able to remember they had them, that's all.

Basically, if you were to go to therapy for this, what they'd do is just teach you to dismiss the thoughts. It's a skill you need to develop. That, and they'd teach you skills to soothe yourself once you get upset. This would all be part of something called "cognitive behavioural therapy" (CBT) - the "cognitive" part is about learning how your thoughts work, and the "behavioural" part is about learning to change your behaviour in order to control/lessen the thoughts.

Medication can also help a lot - like looooads and loads. Definitely talk to GP when you can. But please do know that the best thing to do, is to have therapy (including accessing therapy online! doesn't have to be in person) and also take medication. The combination is very powerful and is likely to relieve your suffering.

Wishing you the very best. What a shitty thing you have been through!!

Its the detail of my thoughts that i think upset me the most, or shock me.

Sometimes, i have thoughts that my husband calls me at work to tell me (cant even type it, but you know what it is) and my reaction. For the split second, i get the feeling in the pit of my stomach... then, its gone again.
😔 Just typing that has made me think this isnt normal is it 😢. Just typing this is tearing me up. I feel like im weird. 😔.

Its funny because when i was pregnant with my son, and i would worry that i would miscarry, i would interrupt my thought by simply going 'lalalalalalala' and id do that until something caught my 'thinking' attention.
I will certainly try this going forward.

I have had intrusive thoughts
Have pnd and anxiety so possibly to do with that

Like I could lose balance and my baby could fall over the banister or I might stand on my twins when they were little

Only small though yours sounds much worse

@Dirtygirty35

when i was pregnant with my son, and i would worry that i would miscarry, i would interrupt my thought by simply going 'lalalalalalala' and id do that until something caught my 'thinking' attention.

That's a great technique.

It's possible that when your son was first born, you stopped doing the "lalala" bit because on a deep level it may have seemed that this new baby was SO important and fragile that you absolutely couldn't risk dismissing ANY thought of something happening to him. So, over time, the thoughts continued, and you lost track of the habit of just "lalala"-ing them away.

Now he's older, you may have some space to start working on those thoughts a bit more, as you say.

Something that has helped me with a similar problem, is to name the intrusive thoughts something silly. E.g. if you named the thoughts "Banana" or "Stupidface".

So whenever you have an intrusive thought, say to yourself, "Oh, ffs, it's Banana again, chatting shite" or some such. Then "lalala" it away. Might help. Basically, it's a case of you noticing what is happening, and then making sure you acknowledge that the thoughts aren't real and don't need your attention.

Hi,

Ive spoken to my mum about it today.
She struggles to know what to say in situations.
She said she had thoughts of a simular nature when me and my siblings were young but not to the extremes that my thoughts go to.
She agreed that i do need to see a doctor so i think i will.
Not sure when though 😬 not sure to see how it goes and get settled in the new house or bite the bullet and just go.

Hi op.
Just to say you’re not alone except that I’ve suffered with intrusive thought ocd since I was a child.
About 10 years ago is got much much worse but I sought help and had cbt and although it’s still there, it’s much better.
What others on this thread have said is right. It’s about learning to allow the thought and letting it pass (easier said than done, I know).
You could try some cbt you tube videos if you’re struggling to get the the gp but in would recommend you seek professional help.
It’s very, very common but a lot of people are ashamed and therefore don’t talk about it, so you wouldn’t necessarily be aware of other sufferers.

It’s very, very common but a lot of people are ashamed and therefore don’t talk about it, so you wouldn’t necessarily be aware of other sufferers

This is so true, I had intrusive thoughts after having a particularly nasty MC. Please do call the GP tomorrow. Nobody will judge you and they should help you, I had CBT and a course of medication and after a short while I was able to deal with them much better.

You do really need to ask fir help though

I think it sounds a lot like OCD, I’m sure it would really help you to talk to someone and get some help.

And also don’t feel silly either, sometime having a little one can feel like a huge amount of responsibility. But remember you’ve done a great job so far, nothing bad has happened to him, ever. And he’s hardier now than he’s ever been. Everything that’s happening now, all the safety measures you have have kept him safe. You don’t need to ramp up. Take a breathe and remember how important it is to enjoy this time with him rather than letting fear creep in xx

I had terrible intrusive thoughts for years after having DD. The thing that really seemed to help me was saying “That’s a funny thing to think”.

It sounds counterintuitive, but I found the key was to not give them any power. If I followed my ITs, I ended up crying uncontrollably as if something terrible that could happen, actually had happened. If I tried to suppress and actively stop them, I ended up beating myself up, feeling like I was going mad when they inevitably came back.

As PP’s have said, I also learnt from psychologists and psychiatrist that everyone has ITs all the time - but they go straight out their memory before they even register and feel distressed by them. The ones we are aware of and feel distressed by are the ones most abhorrent to us. My DD was IVF and I had a very abusive childhood...so it now makes sense I was in a state of hypervigilance, looking for signs in my thoughts that I might harm her. I realised that the reason I was having latching onto these thoughts and images was not because I was going to do them, but because they were actually the things most abhorrent to me. I could then see that this was my mind trying to protect me and my baby...but going very over the top.

I know it sounds like the current cheap fix, but found mindfulness and grounding techniques genuinely useful too - anything that allows you to see thoughts as just random firings in your brain. They roll in and roll out like clouds on a blue sky. They don’t have to be followed.

Don't know if it's been mentioned but there is a Motherkind podcast on intrusive thoughts. I'll find the episode number for you. Might be a good place to start in the current climate.