AIBU to feel jealous of other people's kids

[Dystrophin345]

I love my DS (3 in July) to bits and I try to do what I can for him. Other women that I know (family and friends) seem to be less worried/ don't do as much with their children but their children seem more advanced. My In laws live together with many kids in the house and the youngest is 3.5. Every time my sister in law talks about his development, I can't help but feel jealous that mine doesn't. She said today that her DS who is 3.5 is now tracing letters neatly, knows his numbers and can count and can play properly with other kids online on roblox. He also can build things on minecraft and is socially advanced (understands jokes and can have proper conversations). Then I thought about my little one and how he is a little social awkward (doesn't go to people and even if someone says hi he screams unless it is someone who he knows), he can't play any games online (haven't allowed him to and he hasn't shown any interest). He would scribble for a bit but then throws everything away. So I'm just feeling a little jealous (maybe this is the wrong word) that her kid is doing better in terms of these things whilst mine hasn't even understood the concept of hide and seek yet! Now I know this is unhealthy as mine is still young and they all learn at different ages. But I can't help it and I don't know how I would be when he goes to school. Has anyone ever felt this?

I just feel bad for my little one as I am constantly comparing him (in my head!) and not enjoying his childhood as much as I should.

Look at it this way. Imagine the pressure that's going to be on that little boy too succeed. Your little one sounds absolutely typical for a boy his age. Enjoy him.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Concentrate on your own DS and his achievements, large and small. He will develop in his own time, although if he is happy, healthy, kind, playing and learning there's not a lot more a 3.5yo could really want or need.

Frankly a lot of what is being said about the other kid sounds like BS and there's no way my DS (just turned 4) would be playing Roblox or Minecraft to that extent. Devices have a time and place and my kids love TVs and tablets but I wouldn't allow the level of play that the other child seems to have.

It's natural to compare, and in some ways it is a good check of whether your child is doing OK generally, but it can be worrying too. Let other parents say whatever they want but focus on your own DC and his happiness and development.

All parents compare their kids and send themselves into a panic!

My DS (4.5) is slightly delayed and will probably struggle at school. He's brilliant in a billion other ways, he has so many wonderful qualities. I'm prepared to give him the extra help when/if he needs it. However, when he gets cards from his friends written in legible writing when he can barely hold a pencil I do get that pang of jealousy!

My DD (3) is ridiculously advanced... I don't think she's gifted but she is a head of her brother's peers! ... I worry that she'll be happy or feel under pressure.

There's just no winning this parenting game!!

Your DS sounds like a typical toddler/preschooler. I bet he's wonderful.

It can be really hard when you are friends with someone with a super advanced child. It is a feeling of wanting your child to be able for themselves rather than for you , you just want the best for them.

I was desperately anxious about my first ds, he was late to talk, late to do anything other than run as fast as he could into the distance at every opportunity! I have a friend with a super clever toddler as well and it did make me anxious. Now they are both 13 there is nothing much different about them, apart from the fact that my ds is rather good at music and hers is extremely athletic.

It really is a marathon, not a sprint.

Thanks both. Of course I want the best for him and I want him to enjoy life. As long as he's happy. But I guess it's me who needs to understand that my child is different and will learn things at a different stage. He is also the only child and my husband is abroad so that could be a factor. I've never been a jealous person so I don't know why I'm feeling this way. I was supposed to have a cup of tea and enjoy a movie tonight on my own but after talking to my sister in law looks like that would be cancelled!

Children who live in an extended family do learn certain things quickly (eg social cues, social skills, talking, understanding emotions). That doesn’t mean your son is behind - he will catch up eventually.

@Grumpyhoonmain
I do like your username! Sums up me at the moment lol. Yes that's true. To be honest he is probably fine,I just need to rise above all these feelings before they eat me up considering I have a longgg way to go.

OP there's such a difference between 2.5 and 3.5 - my DS is 3.5 and he only started doing things in January! It's as if he learns new tricks every day now, so I wouldn't worry. He still won't be playing online games anytime soon. His little brother is much quicker but only because he copies everything his older brother does. Comparison is definitely the thief of joy as PP said so try not to worry.

@Stroller15 that's good to know. I guess people with 2 children can understand this better. I'm not up for online games either but DH thinks that it will help kids make friends at schoo. The 3.5 year old plays with kids who are 7 and 8 (all online) but then again he copies everything his 7 year old cousin does (they live in the same house).

Kids do follow older siblings and copy them. But just because they are more 'advanced' in some things doesn't mean they are more developed in every way. And really is it anything to brag about that your child can entertain themself on a tablet before others?!?! I have 3 kids and they have all developed differently. My middle child held a pencil perfectly at 18 months but still plays imaginary games at 10....my eldest is academically advanced but had little empathy, my youngest can do maths in his head I can't but falls to pieces if he's wrong....but you know what - they all have skills, things to learn and things to offer. Don't compare your kids with others apart from to notice if something is wildly off standard developmental milestones.

My DD will be 3 in May, and although she talks well, can’t do any of those things! To be honest I haven’t even tried her with tracing letters etc - they are still so young, and all they should really be doing is playing - that is how they learn and develop. I just follow her lead and let her play with what she is interested in.

It's such a key time for development - there were things that my 2yo couldn't do at Christmas that now he's doing every day without a second thought, I'm sure it's the same for yours. I do the comparison thing too and then feel shit but I'd never compare my friends kids unfavourably so why do I do it to my own? They all develop at their own pace, they learn their own skills, they develop their own personalities.

I feel sorry for the other kid! Yours sounds adorable and normal.

There is no way my 3 year old would be on Roblox or Minecraft!! Jesus. Mine is not a fan of people and is loving this lockdown, he is happiest when in his own little world playing. I have older children too and there is honestly no rush to make them grow up. That other kid will be an Xbox zombie by the time he’s 10 if that mum is not very careful.

I mean this nicely OP, but stop! Your ds is almost a full year younger. Or, another way, his cousin in more than a third older than him. Honestly, if you are going to compare them this way you will both suffer. The difference between 2.5 and 3.5 is massive.

And if your nephew is genuinely tracing letters so well etc (which i doubt - parents exaggerate) it doesnt matter. All children develop differently. When your ds gets to 3.5 he will probably do some things better than his cousins did and others less well. This is normal.

I recently spoke to a HV and Speech and Language therapist about my 2y8mo. His nursery had suggested he was behind in his speech because he doesn't say as much as other children in his group who are 3. Both the HV and S&LT said it's very unfair to compare children in that way - you wouldn't compare a newborn to a 3mo and that time really counts even though they are older. Also they said you could have a group of children all exactly the same age and they would all be at different stages in their development! So it's really not worth comparing your child to others. I know what you mean though - I wish my son would be more communicative with other people as he really only talks to me and DH but I'm sure he will grow in confidence and I'm sure your son will too!

If I'm reading your OP right yours is not far off a year younger. That is a massive difference at that age. There is no point in comparing them. You will just make yourself miserable.

I know how you feel op. My DC is just 2, but nephew is 2.5 and incredibly advanced for his age. My DC is perfectly average for his age and on track (although did have some motor delays due to a physical condition but has now caught up). The HVs aren't concerned, nursery aren't concerned. However as DN is so advanced, the ILs act like DC is behind, when they're not, so it's hard not to compare!
Keep telling yourself that they will develop in their own time and at their own rate. Also how they are now is absolutely no reflection on how they'll be in 2 years, 10 years, 16 years.

Thank you so much to each person who replies with advice and really a wake up call. Mine is younger than his cousin but the only reason I've been comparing him to the that cousin is because they will be in the same year (his cousin is born in November and mine in July the following year). I guess it is hard but you're all right it's not fair and I'm just making my life difficult.