How do I get my 8yo to do anything?!

[PickledLily]

I get refusal for everything. Brushing teeth, hair, getting dressed, doing any school work, going out, helping cook etc etc. She is incapable of entertaining herself unless it's watching tv. She just wants everything turned into a role play game with me doing what I'm told (she is an only child).

If I ask her to do anything she screams and tantrums and refuses to move. If I remove TV time, she follows me around the house and keeps interrupting what I'm trying to do (but refuses to help). Driving me nuts. We spent the whole day playing yesterday but, no, it's not enough. She wants MORE!!

She has no specific hobbies or interests as she doesn't stick at any of them.

Where am I going wrong?

You have to start being tough. You are the adult and children need structure. Try sitting down with her and doing a timetable for the day.

it might be worth trying to make a routine, if it helps you could go as far as printing it out and sticking it on the fridge. so something like:

8-9: wake up, get dressed and eat breakfast
9-9:30- PE with Joe (livestream on youtube, starts at 9 everyday)
9:30-10:30- playtime, with you, and a snack
10:30-11:30- school work
11:30-12:30- helping you (tidy up, make lunch, prep dinner)
12:30-1:30- eat lunch and talk to friends via video call
1:30-2:30- go outside for a walk
2:30-3:30- school work, or work towards earning some pawprint badges, where you complete the challenge pack and then earn a badge (which do cost £1.50). you could sew or iron these onto a pillowcase or bag, like you would with brownie badges.

and then that should take you up to the time school would (roughly) normally end so you can follow your usual afterschool routine
it sounds rigid but it might help stop the boredom

We do have routines. We have a schedule on the fridge. She gets bored and distracted after 5 mins. How do I keep her on track? She's not interested in star charts/rewards (well she is to start with, but it doesn't last long).

I would keep deflecting her back to the schedule. so, if you are busy and its not one of the scheduled times where you do something like play together, say 'no, i'm busy right now. what should you be doing on your schedule?' she may go off and sulk, but after a few times of you saying that and continuing what you are doing she will hopefully start to entertain herself for a little longer

Sounds like she is in charge.

How does she manage to interrupt what you are doing? Just tell her you will be busy for the next 30 minutes and then don't respond to her.

Because she will just keep coming back every few minutes.

It's not just interrupting me, she will not sit and do anything on her own; drawing, homework, Lego whatever. Getting her out to the shops or a sports lesson for example is a trial (obviously not an option at the moment), but I think that is more about her anxieties. I'm exhausted by it.

Because she will just keep coming back every few minutes.

So, for the time you have told her you will be busy, don't look at her, don't speak to her- get on with your task as though she is not there. A major tantrum is likely to ensue the first few times, but that will get boring if you never cave.

Of course she will demand your attention if doing so always succeeds.

Get an egg timer! And tell her she can come back for help / whatever when it goes off. Keep it whre you can see it to stop any fiddling.

Wored wonders for my DD getting ready in the morning- took all the shouting and arguing away.

Tried a timer. Unfortunately it just stresses her out, gets her in a flap and makes things 10 times worse.

I think you will have to go through some unhappiness though, to get her to see you mean business.

Just ignore the 'flap'. There will be a full tantrum to follow it. She will go through a grieving process for not being in control of you any more- and on the other side of it all she will be much happier.

If she wants play time with you, can't you just say that you will do that, after she does whatever you want her to do, and then if she won't, then she doesn't get any play time?

Does she follow the teacher round when she is in school? No she doesn't. Does she throw a tantrum in school when asked to tidy away the things on her desk? Probably not. Therefore this is entirely to do with how you respond to her.

When she refuses to move/help tell her you will respond exactly the same way when she wants something to eat, or for you to play with her. The timetable would help her to understand when you are available to play with her and when you are busy doing other things.

You are rewarding bad behaviour with attention. You need to completely ignore her when you are busy. She is old enough to understand this concept. In school she will know not to interupt two staff members talking or interupt a teacher dealing with another child. So she is capable, she doesn't do it at home because you reward her with attention.

I'm back again. The routine is not working although I keep trying. It was fine for a few days then she got bored and again refused to do anything. Lots of shouting, tantrums, lashing out, hitting and kicking. Very single time I say something, it's wrong. It's like having a moody teenager in the house.
She won't speak to her friends on zoom. She is just full of anger and stress. Constant, constant attention seeking. She's always been very extrovert and needs her friends, doesn't stop talking or moving. The neighbours must think there's been a murder from her screams.
I couldn't deal with it this morning so went out for a coupe of hours and left her with DH.
She's had stomach ache on and off for the past few days (an ongoing theme which we think is anxiety), difficult to know whether it's a ruse or a real issue. But we can't go on like this, it's a horrible dynamic.