I don’t enjoy my children

[vickipoo]

I don’t think I’m alone in this and I feel so terrible for it. I do love my girls (10 & 5) they do make me smile and sometimes i think “maybe this isn’t so bad” BUT honestly those times are few & far between, I really don’t enjoy them that much.

Last week when it was announced the schools would be closed alot of my friends said “itll be a bit stressful but lovely having them home” i cried when I heard the announcement on the news and then picking them up on Friday from their possibly last day till September I sat in the car and cried more all over the thought of them being home and around me every.day.all.the.time.

But in times of normality at home I find myself constantly telling them to go away, I dont enjoy playing games with them either. I do enjoy talking to them about their day and their friends and enjoy watching films with them but that’s it.

I do have a theory on why this is and I want to bring up that I am a disabled parent. I have mobility issues so the thought of moving causes pain and noise effects me mentally in a very bad way so needing to do things for them and hearing them shout and fight makes me extremely uncomfortable so i think subconsciously I connect my kids with physical pain. Thats my theory but that cant possibly be the whole reason can it!

My husband is fantastic with them and I find myself wishing I could be like him he can’t understand why i am the way I am even this afternoon I sat upstairs alone while everyone else was downstairs playing and laughing and I had no desire to join in.

I find myself envious of our friends who don’t have children I know this also isn’t normal.

I hate being like this, I wish i was a better Mother, they are well looked after happy children but they know my moods they know not to come to me for fun only if they want something and for cuddles, but even then I dont enjoy cuddles much I dont like my personal space being invaded because it hurts and makes me very uncomfortable.

I’d love to know im not alone in this and if you were ever this way and you’ve changed how did you do it! I am in despair about how much they’re going to be around now and this will effect my depression worse than anything else happening right now and I know THATS NOT NORMAL! HELP ME PLEASE I WANT TO BE BETTER FOR THEM! THEY DESERVE BETTER 😭😭😭

It sounds like you're dealing with a lot. For the ordinary noise of children/moving and cuddling to be actually painful must makes things incredibly difficult. I don't think anyone loves parenting all the time and it sounds like there are physical reasons that it's a challenge for you more than most.

I'm sorry, o don't have any specific advice for dealing with it, but one thing struck me: your kids come to you for cuddles. That sounds like they know you love them.

Are there any other activities you can do that are calm and static? Reading stories, jigsaws, craft etc? Possibly 1:1 rather than both at once? I appreciate now is not the ideal time to do this. Do you find it easier with your older DD who maybe understands more?

When I was heavily pregnant and uncomfortable I got frustrated that being with DD required constant movement e.g. we would sit down to eat lunch, she would want a drink, need me to turn the light on to go to the toilet etc. I tried to adapt play to reduce this.

What made you want children? Think back to that and try to connect those dreams and wishes to the reality you have now. I know it must be hard, but you have to get this resentment under control, children are perceptive, they will notice and it will damage them.