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Original poster

How do I know if I want a baby?

17 replies

BedfordshireGirl · 21/03/2020 00:39

I've never really given much thought to whether I wanted to have children or not.

When I was in my twenties I always assumed that I would go down the traditional route, get married and start a family, replicating my own happy childhood created by my happy parents. However in my thirties (I'm proud to have developed a successful career despite the struggles of becoming engaged and subsequently leaving my fiance), I've been of the opinion that having children wouldn't be the be all and end off of my life. I'm perfectly happy with my current lifestyle and selfishly can't see myself willingly wanting to turn everything upside down (the impact on relationships, lack of sleep, standing on the sideline of cold football pitches, making it difficult to travel the world, notwithstanding the physical aspect of having a baby which frightens me). However that's not to say I wouldn't be willing to have children if I met the right person...and I do have a nagging worry about who will be there for me when I'm older if I don't have children to look after me.

I suppose for the last few years I've been flitting backwards and forwards as to whether having children is something I really want.

I'm now in my mid thirties, at an age where most of my friends are now married and starting to have children. I act awkwardly around children, but do enjoy their company for a few hours, but happily hand them back afterwards.

I have a partner in his 40s who already has two teenage children and he's made it clear that he doesn't want to raise anymore children as he's so close to getting his own life back. I've always said that I don't know how I feel about having children and would ideally like the option to decide later, however he's adamant that he doesn't want children and doesn't want to hold me back if I do. We love each other intensely and I see a happy future together with him. However I feel like now is the time that I need to decide whether I do want children or now. How do I know??

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Jossina · 21/03/2020 07:10

Not everyone wants children and sadly a lot who have them don't for the right reasons. Have you spent much time with babies and young children? Are you able to support a child on your own? Definitely don't bring a baby into the relationship you are in now. Have you thought about being a foster mother or adoption?

forkfun · 21/03/2020 07:15

Sounds like you don't want children. If you wanted them, you'd know. It's fine to not want to have children. Keep enjoying your life.

NuffingChora · 21/03/2020 07:31

Having children so you can have someone to look after you in your old age is ABSOLUTELY not the reason to have them. There are carers, and homes, and perhaps other relatives for old age. That’s the only actual positive reason you’ve given in your post, whereas you’ve given lots and lots of reasons why you shouldn’t. I agree with every one of them.... And I say that as the mother of two children!

One more time for the people in the back.... YOU DON’T HAVE TO WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN! It doesn’t make you any less of a person, it doesn’t make you mean any less, it doesn’t make you any less worthy. It DOES give you freedom and flexibility and options you don’t otherwise have. I’m in the doldrums of the baby/preschool phase at the moment and not a day goes by where I don’t hanker after some aspect of my child-free life. It’s worth it for me, personally, as I desperately wanted children and felt a drive to have them - it doesn’t have to be for you.

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GalleyHead · 21/03/2020 07:39

Well, to have a child will involve leaving this relationship and wrecking your happy status quo, and either looking for a man who you love and who wants children, or having a child by yourself. And frankly, you don’t sound as if you’ve ever given it any serious thought, and your only pro reason is so that your child can look after you when you’re old (!?), so I’d say no, you don’t want a child, or not enough. Which is fine.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 21/03/2020 14:17

It doesnt sound like you want them, tbh. And PLEASE don't just have a baby so there's someone to look after you when you're old, thats as selfish as all fuck, and will ultimately cost you more than a few years in a care home anyway.

WelcomeToTheAssEatery · 21/03/2020 16:15

Hi.

Child free and proud here.

If you feel that way, please don't have them. It's too much of a gamble and there's nothing wrong with not having children.

Having kids doesn't automatically entitle you to being looked after in old age by the way... just ask the dozens of old people in care homes who don't get visits from their kids.... PLUS it's unfair to expect your adult children to give up their careers/lives/relationships etc to look after you. They themselves may have kids of their own that they need to look after first & foremost.

Stuckinarut88 · 21/03/2020 19:06

You sound like me. Also mid-thirties and the clock is ticking. There's nothing that really appeals to me about having my own children but I am so close to my own family that I do get a bit sad that I may not have that in the future.

TenToTheDozen · 21/03/2020 22:18

I agree with other posters who say the only good reason you give for having children is for them to look after you in old age. On that basis, it would be a huge gamble to take because they may not want to look after you, may live on the other side of the world, etc. If you're looking for a carer, better to save your money and you can have five star treatment in the best carehome.

I say this as someone who is childfree and also can't think of many good reasons to have a child. Apart from the all-encompassing love everyone bangs on about! But you can't miss what you've never known, right?

Also, would we really want to bring a child into THIS world right now?

Soph7777 · 21/03/2020 22:22

I disagree with people who say you should know if you want kids. I know people that wanted kids more than anything, had them and regret it.

I also know people how got pregnant unintentionally and say it's the best thing that happened.

I also think on life you tend to regret the things you didn't do rather than the ones you did.

I used to feel like you OP and still do to an extent but decided to have kids and see what happens.

Though I agree with the other posters in hoping they'll look after you when you're old, I think that's wrong.

If I have kids, for one second I don't think they're obligated to look after me ever.

user1333796 · 21/03/2020 22:28

I think if you aren't sure, then you don't want them. With me, if was overwhelming, all I could think about for years. I didn't really think about the practicalities as you are doing. I think it's probably hormonally driven, and sadly, I think there is the possibility you have a last minute change of heart as your body clock ticks on and your relationship potentially loses its shine... But I really hope that isn't the case for you. I think it is much more common now for people to choose not to have children, and their relationships are all the more stronger for it. I am mid 30's and most of my old school friends are not interested in having children and have much more exciting lives than I do.

LynetteScavo · 27/03/2020 06:51

You would know if you wanted children. I felt a physical ache.

Children are such hard work it's not something you should do unless you really, really want them.

TenToTheDozen · 27/03/2020 13:26

@LynetteScavo I'm in my mid 30's too and curious about the physical ache you speak of. Do you think it's a hormonal thing?

LynetteScavo · 27/03/2020 19:21

@TenToTheDozen I don't know if it's hormonal. I always knew I wanted a baby, from when I was three years old. I had to be very firm with myself once I knew I had enough DC and had to a avoid holding other people's new borns for several years because I think the ache would have kicked in, but mostly I think it was a mental state - if that makes sense.

TenToTheDozen · 28/03/2020 13:33

That makes sense - thank you for explaining to me. @LynetteScavo

Inappropriatefemale · 28/03/2020 13:38

If you don’t know then this is probably a sign that you don’t want them, lots of women know by your age if they want kids so I’m leaning more to you not wanting kids, good for you as I hate that women are expected to have them, and if you don’t then there is something wrong with you, they’re not the be all and end all of life and you will have a more stress less life because of not having them.

RingaRosie · 28/03/2020 13:45

I think that those who don’t want children, definitely know it. Then there are those who really want them & those who are unsure / or the circumstances don’t add up.
There is a difference between being at peace with not having kids, and deciding not to have them, full stop.
One thing for sure, you won’t have children with this guy. I wasn’t much interested in having kids, until I was in the last chance saloon...

DefConOne · 28/03/2020 13:50

I don’t like babies or children but felt an intense desire for children from about the age of 30. It was a physical ache that had nothing to do with any rational decision making. Had my babies at 33 and 36.

Don’t underestimate how hard being a parent can be. I have one with ASD (Aspergers) and it has been tough. I love them both totally but crave my old freedom at times. If I hadn’t wanted this I don’t know how I would cope.

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