I must be doing something wrong

[bonniej]

I took dd to tumble tots this morning for the third time and it's getting worse instead of better. She's ok going on the equipment but wants to do it her way (ie going round the wrong way, trying to get on things other kids are on) when I try and guide her in the right direction she has a real paddy and screams (it is ear splitting). She won't sit down at song time and shows no interest in the songs. She struggles and screams constantly. Lots of the other mums were looking at us. I let her go but she just tries to get on the equipment on her own, which she's not allowed to do during song time. It was a nightmare today and I wanted the ground to swallow me up. All the other children seem to be well behaved and none are anywhere near as disruptive as my dd. She's 16 months and I've tried really hard to be a good SAHM but am failing miserably. I don't know any other mums and it is just me and dd most days. There aren't many things to take her to so I was really pleased when I found tumble tots and even that's gone horribly wrong. Really don't want to take her back next week. DH says I don't discipline her enough and let her get away with things, that's why she's naughty but she's usually good at home when it's just us. I've decided to throw in the towel and find a part time job so she can go to nursery a few days a week. Really didn't want to do this but can't find an alternative. I really am the worlds worst mum . Any ideas on how I can discipline her?? (sorry this is so long, but I'm really miserable today)

oooh.. this is a real bugbear of mine... these toddler boot camps!!!!
stop taking her... i had all this stress with dd when she was a babe, and blamed myself.. and it is NOTHING to do with you!!!!
She isn't ready for 'disciplined' play yet... and it's causing you and her undue stress.
Some kids (like both of mine) want to do their own thing... and what is wrong with that?!!!
Please don't feel your little one is disruptive... she isn't, it is just these classes don't cater for the type of children who are... well shall I say a bit more adventurous than others!...
And as for the mothers at these classes...oooh... that is a whole new rant!!!

take little one to the park, or softplay where she can ENJOY herself... she is still a baby!

You are not the worlds worst mum!!

There are good books out there on discipline... dr sears does one. Sure someone will be along soon with some advice

Hi bonniej, sorry to hear you're feeling miserable today. Now listen here, you are certainly not the world's worst mum, just because your dd didn't behave perfectly at tumble tots, maybe she just doesn't like it (my ds didn't like it either). As for the discipline, she's a bit young at 16 months TBH. Is there a mums and toddlers group you could go to? somewhere a bit informal where she can just play but learn to socialise as well ... it would be could for you too, sounds like you need to get out of the house a bit

Don't feel down about this and I'm sure you are not a bad Mum - you are just having a bad day.

DS1 was also a bit of a nightmare at Tumbletots - he is very active and independent and was wanting to climb up the slides the wrong way etc (what kid doesn't!?). He was also terrible at song time - he never wanted to sit in the circle and wasn't bothered by the songs either and I too felt like everyone was watching (well, they were!!). I found the women who run it really unfriendly too so gave it up. He was a similar age to your daughter but he 3.5 now and is much better at following the structure of things so please don't think it's you. She's only little and, quite rightly, she wants to run about and do what she likes - if she doesn't want to sit down and sing songs then don't make her - there's plenty of time for doing that sort of thing when she is older.

Being a SAHM is hard. I've got a wide network of friends so it's easier for me - can you look for any other groups to join? Are there any NCT post-natal groups you could join on to? Any other playgroups? Do you take her to the park a lot, or perhaps swimming? You might even meet friends through doing those things that you can then meet up yourselves at each others houses etc.

Try not to feel so sad - I have days that I think I'm crap at it too - everyone does, but you are the world to your dd and as long as she is happy - you are doing a great job!!

bonniej dont feel dishearted, it happen's, things will get better, sil is going through the same thing at the moment, her ds is into 'doors' in a big way, she feels dreadful and wants to stop going to tot's club's, consistancy is the key at home and at playgroup's show her she must do it this way or not at all, take her away to do something else if she instist's on doing it her way, she'll soon get the message.. cheer up chuck, I'm sure there are plenty more out there feeling the way you do.. your a great mum

+++ YOU ARE NOT THE WORLDS WORST MUM!!

but I do know how these places/ordeals can make you feel like that.
do you have a toy library near you... always felt that was much better for my rampaging toddlers!

• the mums/carers seemed less pompous etc.

please don't worry too much. children take a while to get used to these groups, and 16 months is still tiny, i can quite see why she's not interested in following rules, and i wouldn't worry about disciplining her yet. it will take her a while to get used to how the place works, but she will get there.

my dd used to scamper madly at music groups, but then suddenly she got it. it is a familiarisation thing, the first times are always hard

Bonnie, 16 months is till quite young for her to be "behaving" really well at organised things. My DS was just the same - wouldn't sit still and so on. I just forcibly held him in my lap andhe would get the msg after a while. That said, I only went to groupe where they weren't too fussed about a bit of a paddy, and every week someone's child would have one.
Never went to Monkey Music as all my friends told me the teacher went beserk if you/your child talked. No good for us then!
What do you do with your DD when she goes off? All children will want to do things their own way and to a degree I think we should let them. You have to choose your battles, so I found with DS the easiest way was to only enforce "rules" about things like going up ladders and DOWN slides (not vice versa), where a certain order is necessary. If he was doing something on his own that didn't bother anyone else, or break anything, I'd leave him to it.
Please keep going - if nothing else you might be able to strike up a conversation with one of the other mums about how difficult you find disciplining your toddler - I;ve found this a great bonding sort of conversation!

The other mothers who look are probably just feeling sympathetic, and glad it's not their child screaming this time! It would be nice if one of them approached you to talk or help though.

16 months is much too little for "discipline". If you find it too stressful stop taking her. Are there any mother and toddler groups near you? They might be a better place for talking to other mums and finding some friends - I know they can be cliquey but it's worth a try. Or even just a playground. It sounds as if you really need someone to talk to! Good luck

At the toddler gym my son attends it is free play with no structure until they are 2.5.
I certainly couldn't inmagine my ds doing anything structured when he was 16 months.

Thanks everyone, you've made me feel better. I wanted to take her to tumble tots as I thought she'd have fun, but she isn't having fun so maybe it's just not the place for her. I just saw all the other children behaving so well and thought she must have a problem So glad to hear that other mums have experienced the same things and dd is not alone! I also think 16 months is too young for discipline but thought I'd got it wrong. I might take her again in a few months. Shall I take her to nursery and go back to work or perservere at home? I am really indecisive at the moment. I would rather go back to work but what would be best for dd?

I agree with JanH.

I would stop taking her (I really dislike "organised" activities for babies/toddlers anyway - which is why I never stepped foot in any!) and go somewhere where she can runaround/play with what she wants/do what she wants - far less stress for you and her.

Crikey - they get told what to do from 4 - 16 at school, don't start it too early

If you would rather go back, and that would make you happier, than that is best for her too! Esp if it's only part time. Nursery will help socialise her too and you will both appreciate each other more when you are together.

Oooh, BonnieJ, don't start that debate again!!

I personally think the best for you dd is to have your time and attention, BUT you must do what is right for YOUR family. I don't think she would suffer at all if you found some part time work and put her in a playgroup/nursery for a few mornings or so. If you are starting to get really depressed and alone, then maybe a small part time job would give you back your confidence, but why don't you keep going at home for a while longer and see if you can find a few good places to take dd and meet some other Mums? If you get a good set of friends with similar age kids and two or three other things you do in the week (swim, library, park, playgroup) things will get easier and you won't feel like you are struggling too much. The days where I have no activity planned drag like hell, but on days where I've got stuff on, it's the best fun.

Hope you can work this out.

sorry Bonnie - posts crossed.

Only you can make the decision whether you go back to work or not - but just to say, whatever you do decide, your DD will still be happy

Message withdrawn

Totally agree that 16months is far too young for 'discipline' - horrid, horrid word anyway. Absolutely hate it. We don't do it in any formal sense (no naughty step etc) and have two absolutely lovely children of 13 and 3.
I take my son to a thing called Tinygym and there is no structure at all, just children rampaging or not as they wish around the equipment - and there is no age limit to when they have to stop being happy and sponteneous. Why shouldn't she go up the slide instead of down it anyway? As long as the other kids aren't prevented from having their turn it makes no difference. My son's favourite thing is taking large stuffed skittles in the shape of animals and taking them for a ride on the slide. 16months is tiny and I think that what someone described so well as 'toddler bootcamp' is totally inappropriate for many if not most children this age. Don't put stress on yourself by taking your dd to things you and she don't enjoy. There's no point at all. It clearly makes you feel like a failure and upsets her - all for no reason. Just stop going. Go to softplay or tiny gym instead. Of course you aren't a bad mum. There are people out there beating their kids, you just have a spirited, independent little soul who doesn't like Tumbletots! You do need mummy company though if you are going to be a happy SAHM. Look for more laid-back activities such as library story times and softplay. There's no shame in working and sending your dd to a nursery at all. It could be fantastic for both of you, but don't do it just because you think you are a failure. You aren't.

Just seen your second post. If you want to go back to work part time, do it. You will be happier and your lively dd would probably love a nice laid back nursery with lots going on.

Again, thank you so much for all your posts. Because I don't really know any other mums, I don't have anything to compare with. (except all the other angels at tumbletots!) I have been thinking on and off for a long time about going back to work part-time and think it might be for the best. It wasn't what I planned when pregnant but things don't always go to plan do they? There is a nursery near me that looks nice. How do you go about it? Should I take her before I find a job to make sure she settles in and do I stay with her for the first day. Sorry I know I sound a bit thick but not sure how it all works

The nursery should allow settling in period.. (the one near me allows as long as it takes for you to be happy!!!!)
Make sure you feel happy/comfortable with the staff etc, let them know your dd routines/whims etc...
As long as you are happy with the level of care, then you'll be fine back at work.

I am sorry you are finding tumbletots hard bonnie my daughter was a nightmare when she first started always running the wrong way or refusing to join the others. I can also remember feeling that everyone was looking at me as if I was the worst mum in the world with no control over her child. As I have said before dd grew out of it so I am glad I persevered but maybe tumbletots isn't for her. My dd used to go to a dance class that she messed about in and I stopped that as I dreaded going.

I would put dd in nursery even if you are not working if you can afford to, you need the break. My dd goes two afternoons, only one of which I work. I use the other afternoon to meet freinds for a coffee, have my hair done etc. Have you found any local playgroups, I find taking my dd to playgroups makes the day less intense, if that makes sense.

Have you tried wacky warehouse, it is so loud and chaotic there is no need for discipline!! Stanley park sports centre also have soft play in the mornings.

As for discipline - don't have the answers I am afraid- which is patently obvious if you net my tearaway dd. Have you thought about a parenting class? I am currently doing one and although I am not really learning anything new just listening to other mums has helped me and it has given me time every week to reflect on how I am disciplining ( well trying to discipline) my dd, what works and what doesn't work.

And meeting other mums- well there has been another response to your blackpool meet up thread.

Hi there,

I took my dd to tumbletots at the same age for a few weeks, then we moved out of the area and joined parent and toddler groups which are much more fun for her.

My dd did exactly the same as yours, i tried for a couple of mins at the beginning of the song time to get her to sit, but then let her go to save having a screaming fit, she'd play on equipment, and i'd join in the singing to try and be a good role model to her!!! lol like it worked. I know what you mean about other parents staring, cos all the other children sat beautifully, but i just told myself my dd has more of a personality and independence to want to follow "boot camp" rules as somebody else described it. ( i like that!)

i did have one awful week, where she did nothing but run round and round in circles giggling because she knew i was trying to get her to use the equipment and she just thought it was so amusing to run away every time i went near her. I thought why am i paying £5 for this, when she can get the same exercise at our local park!

Even now a few months on, dd still dislikes sitting still in story or song times at our m&b group. She likes to do things at her own agenda, i.e if i try and force her it won't work, but if she decides to join in of her own accord then fine.

Bonniej - try different things. Every church will have a toddler group, I reckon, so phone the church offices in your phone book and ask when they are. See if there is a toddler swim session at the swimming baths. My sister goes to the Stanley Park play session and really enjoys it (presumably so does her DS !) Have a look in the phone book for Wacky Warehouses - I know there is one in Preston but not sure about Blackpool itself. Look on the NCT website - www.nctpregnancyandbabycare.com/nearest_branch_2.asp
sorry, no good at links but copy and paste this and look for the Preston, Fylde and District contact and give her a ring to find out about coffee mornings in your area. You don't need to be a member but will meet new people and have a chat and a laugh!

Sorry you are finding tumble tots so hard. My dd2 used to like going the wrong way on the equpment and moving between things in her own order. Because my dd1 had been such a well behaved girl I tried to stop har. But Dave the leader stoped me. He said she was too young not to be allowed to do her own thing. So we did it her way until she wanted to do it the way the others did. I just had to make sure she didn't knock the others off. At 3 she occasionally tackles things her way and now Dave gently encourages her to do it properly. Just wanted to say that not all TTs are so ridgid and I think the team that run our group are really good.

My ds is one of those rare toddlers that like this sort of thing, he likes the repetition, the endless (and pointless?) rules,the certainty of it all. He's very like his dad in this respect. However I understand that not all kids are like this (I for instance wasn't). However he seems fairly unusual in his compliance, and I am aware that he could change at any time (part of me hopes for a rebellion to prove he is my child!)

I think the best thing is not to go to this group. She isn't enjoying it, and neither are you and feeling that people are looking at you isn't going to help either.

If you want to go back to work, then go. But please don't go because you think you are a crap mother and work is the only answer. Enjoy your dd for the strengths that she has - creativity, lateral thinking, determination, a strong will etc.