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To stay at home or not....

17 replies

SnowWhite26 · 14/03/2020 23:13

Hi.
I posted this on another link but not sure where it belongs.
I have a 4.5 year old and a 18 month old. My 4 year old is going to school in sept. I work as a nursery nurse min wage 13 hours (2 days a week) i like the job but my patience with the children isnt great. I wana be at home with my children as they are young and look after house etc...we dont pay childcare costs as grandparents have them but I feeling really stressed and think that if i can have 2 days extra to shop clean be with kids then it will be much less stress for us all at the weekend with hubby. I have tried to talk to him but hes against it. I don't really bring a significant amount of money in its just for extras really and i Could easily shop more effectively and think about it more if i had time. I just feel over my head. I get angry and the put me on abti depressants but i dont feel i need them i feel i need the job pressure taken away so i can focus on the family. I would def go back to work in the future but My husband wont really consider my point of view. I dunno what to do. Any advice? Thanks

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SleepingStandingUp · 14/03/2020 23:16

How much does he help at home? I can understand him not wanting the entire financial burden and of course its harder to get back into work the longer you have off. But if you're both working then you need a fair split at home.

If your mental health is suffering I'd suggest looking for a different job

SnowWhite26 · 14/03/2020 23:24

If u stopped working i said that i would take on house stuff. I am hoping to talk to talk to work and be able to go back once kids are older. Do u work sleepingstandingup? How do udo it? X

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SnowWhite26 · 14/03/2020 23:24

If i lol

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SnowWhite26 · 15/03/2020 07:49

Anyond else any advice?

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riotlady · 15/03/2020 07:59

I think working 2 days a week with free childcare would be lots of people’s dream! Could you maybe start looking for another job that’s less stressful?

SnowWhite26 · 15/03/2020 09:40

What do you do? Its just everything and i dont earn loads

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SleepingStandingUp · 15/03/2020 11:35

@SnowWhite26 I don't because I have a 4yo with complex medical needs I had to quit and now we have 3 month old twins. It was obvious when my son was born oif us was giving up work and we both wanted that to be me. He had the financial burden but we get support with benefits and all the bills etc are in my name for which he gives me a share then he keeps his spending money. Works for us.

But that doesn't mean he be so happy if I was giving up 2 days with free chidk care because I didn't want to work any more.

Look into WHAT is making you stressed.

Is it the job? If working in childcare is too stressful then you need to look for other work for similar hours.

Is it that even in the days you work you're doing all the drop offs, dinner, cleaning etc? Does he do anything to help on those two days? If not then you need a rota or an agreement in chores. If he refuses to help in those two days then I'd go back to the looking at giving up work argument because he isn't facilitating you working.

You say your wages pay for extras, what extras are those? And would you all miss them? You say you can spend better to compensate so why aren't you already? Presumably because losing thst money will cause a reduction in what you can do, spend, enjoy etc.

Is your marriage otherwise happy, do you feel supported and respected?

He can't make you work but how would you feel if he came I nand said he wanted to drop two days at work to be with the babies, or even thst he had already?

MuddyPuddlesAndPrettyBubbles · 15/03/2020 11:37

Honestly, if you have anger issues and are impatient with the children you're supposed to be caring for, please stop and find another job.

SnowWhite26 · 15/03/2020 12:36

No its my kids lol just patience and all lol xx

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IceColdCat · 15/03/2020 12:40

I agree with the above poster - working part time with no childcare costs sounds amazing! Sorry you're stressed OP, but I do think you've got a good set up.

MissBPotter · 15/03/2020 12:46

I don’t really understand why you want to give up your job. Seems crazy since it is only two days a week and it gets you out of the house, you’re gaining skills and earning money. Even if not a lot it is something and I think you’d miss it. Scrimping and saving is no fun. I work two days a week myself, my dd is 5 and started school this year and my younger dd is just 3. For me it is a great balance.
From your post I’m not sure what you’re stressed about - your own kids or the nursery kids? Would you like to get a different job?
I don’t think you should give up work.
If your DH also doesn’t want you to that’s another good reason, honestly I know a few women where their DH seems to hate them for not working, it is very sad but I think it is a risk of giving up work. Hopefully that wouldn’t happen to you but it would certainly create a strain if you quit when your DH was against it.

BendingSpoons · 15/03/2020 12:55

To be honest you have 5 days at home to plan shopping etc. I can see why your DH is not keen on you quitting. Also presumably if you stopped work, you would stop childcare with the grandparents, so you would still be juggling housework etc with looking after kids. I think you need to think through your options to make things less stressful and not just focus on giving up work. Is your eldest in nursery as well as being looked after by grandparents?

SnowWhite26 · 15/03/2020 16:03

No shes at nursery 2 days a week and looked after by nanny on 1 of the days i work

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woodymiller · 15/03/2020 18:44

I totally get it. I was a nursery nurse, kept working (mornings only) with my first, she loved nursery and being a parent gives you so much to draw on dealing with other children and parents. However it can also make you resent not doing the fun stuff with your own child if you think about it too much. As for the parents who think it's ok for you to be paid peanuts while looking after their precious offspring and treat you like shit on their shoe for the privilege, well, don't get me started. I stopped when I had my second as he did not settle well at all and I couldn't justify spending my time with other people's children while he broke his wee heart on a daily basis. I had couple of years at home, with DH's support, we tightened our belts accordingly. I then took part-time job in retail, which paid more, yes I did a few hours every other weekend but tbh a bit of time with just Dad did the kids good and it's kind of nice to get a big welcome home & cuddles simply coz you walked through the door, when DH gets that 5 nights a week. So there's probably a middle ground here, especially while your dc are small, maybe working in a different field would bring some balance.

SnowWhite26 · 15/03/2020 19:17

Woody Miller its bringing it up again with my husband especially in this time with cornavirus x thanks for understanding

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SleepingStandingUp · 15/03/2020 20:00

So kids are cared for 3 days a week, you work 2 days a week?

How much does DH help around the house?

What do you do on tbe day you're not in work and the kdis are in childcare?

SnowWhite26 · 15/03/2020 20:40

I have 3 days with kids. 1 day with older one at nursery with me and 1 day at work. We all rush house work throughout week etc

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