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Original poster

‘I love you but I don’t always like you’

18 replies

Almahart · 14/03/2020 22:12

Do you remember ages ago that there was a long thread about how parents said this to their children in the 70s and 80s and how horrible it was to hear?

I’ve started saying to my kids, I know you know I love you, but I just wanted to say, I also really like you/like hanging out with you/think you’re a great kid etc. I can see that they really like it when I say that and it is true, they’re all really good company.

I’m not posting to boast but because it made me think that love has different connotations to like. I genuinely think my mother did love me but not particularly like me and that love can come in forms that aren’t always healthy. Like might be a bit bland, but it’s never toxic is it.

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Gatehouse77 · 14/03/2020 22:20

I’ve said “I love you but, right now, I don’t like the way you’re behaving” which hasn’t done mine any damage. It’s generally said calmly albeit on occasion tersely!
They’ve occasionally said it back to me. I guess it depends on tone, volume and how the aftermath is dealt with.

DramaAlpaca · 14/03/2020 22:24

I don't remember the thread about it, but I do remember my mother saying this to me in the late 60s/early 70s when I was much too young to understand what it meant. Yes it did hurt, and I can remember how much. I've never said anything like that to my own children.

itsamadmadworld · 14/03/2020 22:27

I had it said repeatedly to me. "I love you but right now I really don't like you". Usually angrily. It absolutely has damaged me, i rarely heard my parents say they loved me just by itself and as an overly sensitive child the not liking me part stuck out more than the loving part.
I will never say it to my child, because I feel like it doesn't matter how it's said it will still hurt.

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itsamadmadworld · 14/03/2020 22:29

I'm late teens by the way so this was said during the early noughties

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 14/03/2020 22:31

My parents said this to me once or twice as a teen, when i was being criminally unlikeable. I think i just shouted back "i dont like you either" and continued being a right little shit. I have an excellent relationship with them now and it's done me zero harm.

InArrears · 14/03/2020 22:37

I've always thought that was a terrible thing to say to kids. My parents never told me directly that they loved me, instead they were hypercritical and teased mercilessly.

I only ever tell my kids I love them, focus on the positive and use the kind of affirmations you are talking about. When we were going through a really tricky patch with DC1, I put a list of them on my phone and made sure I used at least one a day, even if it was through gritted teeth, and it was key to getting us through that. I'm sure we'll have our moments again, but we have really nice, undramatic relationships.

NoNeedToBeRudeDear · 14/03/2020 23:12

My DM used to say this to me. It used to upset me so much. I couldn’t imagine ever saying it to either of my DC

Treacletoots · 15/03/2020 07:41

My DM delighted in saying such things as this. In her case it was 'I love you but I dont like you' full stop. Or if you were more like your cousin we'd get on better'

Simply, my mother couldn't control my every thought and therefore didn't like it. She surrounds herself only with people who are too scared to disagree with her.

Thankfully I haven't spoken to her for over a decade and I will NEVER say this to my DD.

Aeris1 · 15/03/2020 07:46

My mother used to say 'I love you because I have to, but I don't like you' all the time. She proved it too and we have not spoken for nearly 30 years since I was a teenager. The words really do stick with you, I would never say anything like that to my little boy.

RuffleCrow · 15/03/2020 07:51

Yeah my parents said this to me back in the 80s. I'm 38 now and not sure it's even possible to love someone without liking them! My self esteem has been low my whole life.

I'm glad that nowadays we've managed to separate unwanted behaviour from the person doing it. Makes far more sense to say "I love you but I don't like it when you hit your sister..." etc

Theyrecomingtotakemeawayhaha · 15/03/2020 07:52

I have said it to my DD.She occasionally said it to me and it did make me look at how I was being at the time.
It hasn't harmed our relationship perhaps because of the way it was said.My DD knows she is loved.

Throughabushbackwards · 15/03/2020 07:56

My MIL said this to DH repeatedly when he was growing up and I've heard her say it to our nephew, who lives with PIL at the moment. It's a horrible expression.

user1483387154 · 15/03/2020 07:59

had it said to me. it really hurts to hear this as a kid from your parents

Original poster

Almahart · 15/03/2020 08:49

I told my kids that that’s what people used to say and they did that comedy headshaking thing that pre teens do. Made me laugh.

Seriously though, try telling your kids you like them, mine absolutely love it.

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corythatwas · 15/03/2020 10:44

Agree with you, OP; kids absolutely need to hear that they are not only loved - because unconditional love and that- but that you actually believe in them as likeable individuals.
For disciplinary purposes, it is perfectly sufficient to concentrate on the behaviour, not whether you like them or not.

Gatehouse77 · 15/03/2020 17:29

I’m pretty sure the balance is way in favour of the times I tell them I love/like them and have rarely used the quoted expression.

As with most parenting, it’s about context and realising that we’re only expressing a snapshot of our relationship with our children on a forum such as this.

BlueMoon1103 · 15/03/2020 18:13

Going against the grain here but my parents said this to me in the late nineties/early noughties and actually do you know what? They were right. You CAN love your child without liking them all the time and I think that children need to learn that some behaviour really is unlikeable and will make people want to stay away from you!

I think as long as you use BOTH the positive and the negative at appropriate times then that’s fine. When you’re having a great time together say that you enjoy their company and how great they are, if they’re shouting at you/hitting/kicking/spitting etc. then it’s perfectly okay to tell them at that moment you don’t like their behaviour! Who would?! Try to use the positive more often than the negative is all I would say.

Singit82 · 01/02/2023 13:54

I've been searching for understanding on why this has stuck with me for so long. I was 15 just got home from school. Not sure what I said or had done to be honest. But I wasn't a troublesome teen, parents not called to school, I did as I was told, helpful, in bed by 10 lol... Etc etc. So I can only assume it was my demeanor and tone. But I got a speech about everything that pissed her off about me as she proceeded to say "I love you, but I don't like you" it was very much I have to love you as you're mine but I don't like anything about u fullstop. I was crushed and this statement although questioned years later has never been apologised for.
She only seems to like me when I'm amenable, laugh smile, go along for peace, no opinion of my own unless its said in the sweetest possible tone. So I choose my words carefully. She even said it to my daughter when she was 3.

Someone else on this thread said it was OK if the behaviour matched the quote. My own did not and furthermore if the statement is blanket, it can crush a spirit in seconds. Obviously this came with other things said over the years, that were just as harsh but this statement hurt and stuck into adulthood.

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