Really struggling...

[Maya212]

I feel like such a failure. I feel like I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life and I really miss my old life, my freedom.
I love my 1 week old baby so much and would do anything to protect her and I just want her to be happy but I’m well and truly struggling.
I had the longest labour ever that was exhausting and I haven’t managed to catch up on my sleep properly since then. I’m so tired. My newborn sometimes settles and sometimes doesn’t. Ive fount myself resorting to her sleeping in bed with me a couple of times (I know this is not advised but I have been that tired and she just won’t settle so it’s something I did just to get 2 hours of sleep! I made sure I followed the guidelines and did it properly, I didn’t just chuck her in bed with me). I don’t like to disturb my other half since he works and I don’t. Although, he does sometimes makes her a bottle up (she isn’t breastfed) in the night, which I’m grateful for.
I feel trapped. I feel like if I want to leave the house, it’s a mission. It takes ages. I can’t shower properly or at all because I’m on my own with her. I have plenty of family that have offered support but I don’t like to ask or take there offers since I feel I’m the only one who can settle my baby and I have a routine in my head that I fear will go out the window if someone else looks after her. Even my other half doesn’t settle her the way I do and I know she is my responsibility but I feel like it’s all on me and this is my life forever.
I’ve sat and cried so many times and I feel awful! What kind of mother am I? Why have I not took to this life? Why am I not enjoying every second like people say you should?
I feel like I want to give her to someone that would take care of her much better than me. I love her so much but I didn’t expect it to be this hard and isolating.

Dear dear Maya!!
I have an 8 month old and when I read your post I went 8 Months back in time. You need to realise that it is not you - it is hormones, stress and tiredness. You love your child, but you also love the life that you had, these two feelings are in conflict with each other and it's normal. Your body has gone through a lot! You were reborn as a mother when you gave birth - it is a life changing event and it's not easy! You need to remember this. Take one day at a time. Don't put pressure on yourself and know that it will be ok. Every time I felt like breaking down I repeated to myself that it is temporary. Sleepless nights- temporary. Crying - temporary, tiredness -temporary. And also, you child being little is temporary, needing you so much - temporary. I know it's hard but try to enjoy it. You will catch up on sleep, your house will be clean again, you will go out again, but your daughter will never be 1 week old again.... and also everyone goes through the same thing, you will be fine. Trust me, I've been there.

It's only a week, it will get better.

Is anyone supporting and looking after you? Is your other half able to take paternity leave or holidays?

Hang in there! It will get easier (I have two, 6 &4) and most of us completely understand how you’re feeling. Honestly, before you know it she’ll be a toddler and then before you know it you’ll be sending her to her first day at school. This is nearly always a difficult time for new parents. Also, don’t forget you’re full of hormones at the moment and they can easily put negative thoughts into your head. Take one minute at a time. You’re not alone and eventually you’ll come out the other side having actual conversations with her and believe me when she says “I love you Mummy” your heart will feel huge. If it all becomes too overwhelming to deal with there is no shame in talking to your gp, my gp spotted fairly quickly that I had post natal anxiety and he was fantastic, I had no idea such a thing existed, he had me sorted very quickly.

Accept everyone else said, plus

Accept the help. They can be with baby for 10/20/30 mins and while you have a nice hot shower.
Maybe they can do some laundry/washing up sterilising etc.

I did all this for my best friend when she had twins. She had hardly anyone else and she would have loved to have someone just offer to help.

You have work too (baby) but you are still doing nights. Let your other half do more nights and learn how to settle her.

It's only a week in. To give you some context, I was only just getting out of hospital at this stage with my DC.

Take the offer of help from friends and family. Catch up on some sleep.