Threenager.... !!!

[Snoopy28x]

So I have a delightful 3 year old DD and 8 month DS. as soon as my DD turned 3.. a switch flicked and a threenager emerged.

Full on tantrums, I have to ask 20 times for her to do anything. Then get met with no! She stamps her feet and storms up to her room when she doesn't get her own way. She does cool down and come down 2mins later totally forgetting the whole situation. Mostly she is good when out, holds our hand and helps with shopping etc. Then other days throws herself on the floor, runs about, doesn't stop if you tell her.

I know this is probably normal 4 year old behaviour. How do I deal with it?? Ignore the obvious attention seeking naughtiness? Distraction? Naughty step?? Help lol

Are there any particular triggers for the tantrums that you’ve noticed? Towards the end of the day, before meals, first thing in the morning etc? If so you could try prevention - if breakfast time is a problem maybe giving her a choice between the blue bowl and the red one or distracting her by talking to her about something she’s interested in?

If it’s towards the end of the day when tiredness is a problem then tryIng some quiet activities, an earlier meal, longer bath.

If she is stomping off to her room after being told no and then coming down bright and breezy after a minute or two that’s great. She’s taking herself away from the upsetting situation, calming herself down and then forgotten it. That’s really good. I think when she’s in full tantrum just stay calm as you can and afterwards give her a hug and maybe acknowledge it’s hard when you want to do something but can’t for whatever reason.

Tantrums are important as she is learning to assert her individuality and find out what’s acceptable as well as how to deal with strong emotions. They’re bloody hard work though. I’m not a fan of the naughty step. Especially if she’s essentially taking herself off for a time out. Distraction is my favoured method. I think it must be quite scary to be that out of control so any punishment I think is unnecessary.

Yes I agree not keen, if does sometimes seem to escalate thr situation. I will try distraction. It's mostly late afternoon and evening. Definitely over tiredness comes into play. We usually have dinner at 5.30pm when dh gets in from work. then we can finish that, get bath and pjs. Then before 6.30-7. She is an early riser at 6.30 as my dh leaves for work then. She likes to see him before he goes.

I did find today keeping her occupied and involved helps. Giving her little jobs, getting an activity set up like play doh, colouring. I think partly its boredom then she gets naughty.

Thank you for replying. I think when your in the thick of your 3rd tantrum of the afternoon it all seems just overwhelming and your not sure what works and what doesn't. I will try your suggestion of distraction and quiet activities xx

The end of the day is often peak irrational time for them. And us too sometimes. Things like playdoh are good because they’re sitting down and prodding about bits of doh is quite relaxing. I don’t know how you feel about screen time but maybe before dinner she could have half an hour of something not too loud/exciting to sit down and watch?

Definitely giving them little jobs seems to be good as it keeps them occupied and gives them a sense of importance and usefulness. So going round with a dustpan and brush or helping with the washing can be good.

Advance warning of what’s coming up might be worth a shot - “When the hand on my watch is here then we are going to go to the toilet, wash hands and have dinner.” ‘when the hand on my watch is here then it will be time to put our coats and shoes on and go to the shop/park”

I remember feeling utterly overwhelmed when I was in the thick of it and just having no idea what to try next or how to deal with tantrums. It’s only with hindsight and experience working with small children that I’ve learned things that can help. It’s an exhausting stage it really is. I never knew I had a temper till I was faced with lots of daily tantrums.

Ha yes very true, some days I have a short fuse. Especially as my little man only started sleeping through from 6 months!

Today was actually a nice day, some days end and I feel like a terrible mummy because I've just spent the day saying no, dont do that, get off your brother, stop doing that. I need to try and stop the no and divert her. Which I know then like you say when your in the thick of it it's hard to think. I will make an effort to try that tomorrow xx

It’s so easy to spend your days saying no. I read something once (I can’t remember where) that suggested saying yes wherever possible and before saying no, to think why your saying it.

After that I tried saying yes more and rephrasing no. Instead of “No, don’t poke your brother in the face like that. It makes him cry”, you can rephrase it “He usually likes having his cheek stroked gently. Let’s see what he does when you do that.” And any time she does deal with him in a gentle way, lots of praise and comments about how much he likes it. If she goes straight for his eyes again (which she probably will), gently move her hand away and suggest the cheek stroking again

There will be times when you are on a short fuse and just launch into the “No, stop that,” and that’s ok. We can’t always manage to be patient and positive. The more you do it though the more of a habit it becomes I think. Sometimes the “Stop that” approach will stop them doing whatever it is and might even be the best thing. If it’s said all the time though I think they just switch off.

Thank you for your advice. Today has been a much better day. I was consciously telling myself to stop saying no, to distract her attention. Which actually worked really well. I think boredom comes into a play alot, and the naughtiness is to get attention. So shes been helping me hang out washing, making some baby puree for her little brother, we played with her peppa pigs and she had a lovely bath and was nice and chilled for bed xx

So glad you had a better day Snoopy. I think you’re right, the stroppiness is often attention seeking, boredom, tiredness.

I really found saying yes wherever possible became a habit and it made me realise how many times I said no without there actually being any good reason for saying it. When DD was little I handled tantrums exactly the opposite of how they are best dealt with and we both ended up upset, cross and out of sorts a lot of the time. It was only when I started to work with little ones and then became a grandparent that I learned how to deal with defiance and screaming addabs in a calm way that defuses the situation and where no one ends up feeling cross or sad, bad.

When you are in the thick of it as a parent, especially when you have a baby too, it’s so so hard though. And I defy anyone to remain calm, sympathetic and constructive all the time. Sometimes I think it helps just to get it off your chest and know you’re not the only one struggling. I remember feeling terribly unsupported and alone when I was dealing with the peak tantrum stage. You’re doing a great job. Hope you have a lot more days like today.

Thank you again, I really appreciate your wise words. It is hard to see the wood for the trees sometimes, and an outside perspective is very helpful! Makes you stand back and re think your approach. I hope to carry on and have more and more better days like that. I hope I remember it all when DS is a toddler lol xx