Not related to the group but i really need some advice.
My daughter is 8yo. I split with her Dad when i was pregnant as i didn't want her growing up thinking he is the sort of man she should aspire to be with.
I started a relationship with my now husband when she was 16 months old. She has always had contact with her father and has a fantastic relationship with her stepfather who is a wonderful man and role model.
Her father on the other hand has been inconsistent through her life. Only seeing her when it suits him and never paying a penny towards her upbringing.
He spoils her when with her by giving her anything she wants however emotionally he is completely disengaged from her and she comes home crying saying she doesn't want to leave him because she hasn't had any time with him (because he's too busy sleeping or on his phone).
She is constantly craving his attention and love but gets very little back from him.
He often turns up late or doesn't turn up at all.
There has also been a number of occasions where he screams at her down the phone. Tonight being one of them.
I've asked countless times for him to make arrangements with me to see her and not with her as she shoudn't be a go between and i need to plan things around them meeting, but he never listens.
They've made plans for this weekend so i did the same but they spoke tonight and he's moved the goal post but said he told her to tell me.
This resulted in him shouting at her that she needs to relay messages to me....she understandably got upset and hung up.
He called back and aggressively shouted at her telling her if she ever hung up on him again he would come round and take her phone and smash it up in front of her, he then went on to belittle her telling her she's 'not a big woman' the whole time she was sobbing her heart out.
What i've explained feels so small compared to the years of stuff like this but i don't want to go on.
What i need help with is this.
I have always tried to encourage a healthy relationship with them however that is seemingly impossible as I feel like the relationship is toxic. I'm scared that it will lead to my daughter being emotionally and/or physiologically damaged.
As a parent what is the best thing to do. Do i continue to keep trying to help their relationship on the hope that he becomes a better person/father or do i put my foot down and cut him off in order to save her the emotional trauma?
If i did cut ties would she resent me?
On the other side if i maintain contact and she grows up with emotional baggage will she ask why i never stepped in and protected her?
I feel so overwhelmed. I'm so scared of making such a big decision on her behalf and getting it wrong.