How do you get your kids to do anything?

[uhoh2020]

3 ds 13 10 and 5. Not a single 1 of them listens to me or does anything I ask? I dont ask much of them just the basics pick up their own mess, put clothes in the wash basket, put their clean clothes away, get their kits ready for sport activities. Every single request is met with sighs, moans, huffing and puffing, "in a minute " " after this game " down to ignoring me and down right refusal.
Yet they expect me to jump at their requests for something and if they cant find something its naturally my fault. They take no responsibility for anything they have just leave their belongings wherever they drop them. I have done 4 loads of washing today yet just gone into the older ds room and theres all his school uniform in a heap on the floor from last week. Not a single care given by him.
I give up I'm on strike!

Me and DH both work full time and take to their endless activities I dont have bundles of time to be literally picking up after them 24/7 I dont feel I'm being harsh by expecting them to help out a bit.

Stop doing the chores you want them to do. Let them deal with the consequences of not having kit ready or clean clothing.

It's very difficult!

I agree about natural consequences and with introducing a rule that you don't wash anything that's not put in the laundry basket/wherever you want it.

Can you turn off the wi-fi for an hour on a Saturday and do chores together? Like family bed-making?

And then make pocket money dependent on daily chores. One thing per day each like emptying DW, setting table, clearing table etc and for the little one, putting toys in a basket.

I only have one DD and still find it a struggle though tbh!

Christ if I turned the wifi off there would be ww3! But yes I am on strike but i think it bothers me more than them they're more than happy to live in squalor 🙄

I agree, turn the wifi off. They're totally distracted by it hence not listening to you.

Yes they will probably kick off, but so what? They need to learn that if they ignore you or don't do as they're told, there will be a consequence that they really don't like! It won't take them long to cotton on.

I agree. If they kick off about the WiFi going off, try and see that as a good thing, because it shows they care about the consequence. I don’t think you can expect to turn this around without enduring a bit of kicking off, unfortunately. That will be the price you pay for getting them to pull their weight.

Why does it have to be this way though? Why can't everyone pick up after themselves look after their own belongings and all enjoy the beauty of wifi when we want it. It shouldn't have to be this hard and draining all the time

Stop being a doormat to them! You are the parent, you have allowed it to get to this point. As others have said switch off the wifi and get them to do what you want/ need them to do.

I have brought up four children, so been there, done that, but you need to put consequences in place and stop allowing them to rule you.

Does no one have a roaring 'mum is really fucking mad" voice anymore? Or even "The look"?
I've got a 13, 10 and 7yo and I've raised them with the "it's mums way or.... well there is no or. It's just mums way. You do as you're bloody told.

This morning I woke up feeling really ill with what feels like a nasty chest infection. Older child had already got herself up and ready as usual. Younger two were asked by me to sort themselves out if they could please. They got dressed and made their own brekkie and instead of me driving them to school, they gave me hugs and kisses at the door and took themselves off walking. In my house a look from me or DH is often enough to stop whatever behaviour we don't like.

I'm not saying this to be goady or to brag. No. It's been bloody hard. I've worked really hard to get them here, stopping the slightest backchat or eye roll immediately. Once they get away with the seemingly insignificant stuff then it's just a small step to them refusing to do what you ask. "Not now I'm playing my game!" Would result in me pulling the cord straight out of the PS4 with a shrug. They can get it back when they've done as asked.
An outright "No!" however turns me into The walking dead's Negan. Just a little less head bashy but definitely turning to them with an "Excuse the god dam shit out of me but did you just tell me no? It sounded like you told me no. Now I KNOW you didn't mean to say that!"

OP. Get tough. Kids do respect and prefer clear boundaries. My kids know their place and as a result it's a proper happy home. Laughs and love all day long. Kindness, thoughtfulness and manners are constant. For example, if DD13 gets up to make a cuppa, she'll offer her siblings one too and they'll automatically get up and help get the cups out or something. DS (7) will take his sister's plate to the sink or DD(10) will help me fold the washing because quite frankly, it's her shit too. Get your children used to dropping whatever it is they're doing and doing as you tell them. If a job needs done, get then to do it. Why should you be expected to run around like an eejit while they sit on their arses?! Get tough.

Hmm, unfortunately I think it just IS this hard and draining all the time. If you've always let them get away with it, then it's work to change those patterns.

At their ages, you ought to be able to use the family meeting technique, I think it would work well. Essentially get everyone to sit down together. Brief DH and agree on a shared approach first. But address everyone and say we're having this meeting to discuss how our family works.

Explain the problem: You end up doing too much and it's not fair. Everyone needs to learn to pull their weight.

Agree responsibilities for everyone - personal (homework, own room, etc) and general/joint (a rota system, a pool of tasks anyone can pick from, and routine aka when these will be done. Discussion is allowed.

Agree rights/privileges for everyone, probably based on age so that it's "fair". Discussion is allowed.

Agree consequences if responsibilities are not stuck to - most likely removal of privileges as aforementioned - BUT - let them contribute ideas. It can be surprising what they come up with. STICK TO THE CONSEQUENCES. (So make sure they are things you can enforce).

If you like you can add rewards e.g. if someone goes above and beyond their role.

Finally draw up a "contract" and get everyone to sign it. Agree to trial the new system for one month and then repeat the meeting. I think you will have results within that one month and totally transformed attitudes/life by 3 months.

Do you have a family tablet everyone can access? Get the app Tody and put that on it. Set up all recurring tasks by room and assign who is responsible for each, it will automatically rotate for you. I think it costs £5 a year, but it's totally worth it. (Then £5 extra per account if you decide to put it on other people's phones as well).

If they dont get their kits ready, they don't go to sports activity. Consequences!

Set a timer and ask them to do something very specific for 5 minutes until the timer sounds. E.g. put toys in toy basket or floordrobe into laundry hamper. Give lots of praise and comment how incredible a difference they've made in just five minutes. Then say 'two more rounds and we're done' or 'two more rounds then we'll have a [whatever treat would motivate them - bike ride, drink, screen time]'

Very short bursts, lots of praise reinforces the idea that tidying is very easy and quite fun. (I even use that method on myself sometimes when I;m not motivated. Timer set for 5 minutes only then kettle on for tea. It is truly amazing how much you can do in 5 minutes if you set your mind to it.)

It is this way because you, or their other parent, has never taught them another way.