Dc tell me dh is horrible when I’m not there.

[BellaBicycle]

My stbxh - still living together, he’s due to leave in next 4-6 weeks. There is a history of EA - led to break down of marriage. When stbxh spends time alone with dc there’s always an incident with my oldest. Upon my return dc tells me what his dad has done, swear at him, say unkind things, pulled him, pushed him etc. When I ask his dad he always denies, if he admits it’s always a different version, like yes I pushed him but it was to move him out of the danger of traffic...or I was so worried about his safety I accidentally swore at him because he wasn’t listening. Dc is adamant to his dads face that dad is telling lies, and his dad says something similar and defend himself, and also his cross with me for even raising it. I am inclined to believe DC, just wondering if anybody has experiencing anything similar?
I’m confused at times about what’s going on here.
And have any advice...

I have 3 dc
All primary age
Younger two have no complaints about they dad
But eldest, 11, is the one who does.

What sort of contact does your ex expect to have once he moves out? How old are the kids?
I would be inclined to believe your son. Generally it is hard for children to talk about the bad behaviour of a parent because they love them.

Read When Dad Hurts Mom by Lundy Bancroft. Would your oldest be prepared to talk to someone at school about it?
How bad was the EA and do you have any evidence of it, eg in texts or something?

It sounds like your ex might be focusing his emotional abuse on the eldest child in your absence. Or maybe your son is reporting back and exaggerating his bad behaviour to you because he feels more loyalty to you and has generally seen his dad behaving badly in the past.
How was your ex with the children in the past? Was he a patient and considerate father or did he see the children as frustrating? Has he expressed any resentment about having them?
You are probably in the best position to judge their relationship.

I’d always believe my child. You need to take the risk averse approach. If you don’t they will grow up and never forgive you and they will stop telling you.

Can you ensure they are never left alone?

Keep a diary, if you can afford it get a private investigator to tail them (surprisingly easy to find!), maybe get your DC a secret phone if he’s old enough so he can call you or the police.

Believe your child.

Why are you questioning what your dc are telling you?

Your STBX has form for emotional abuse. Did you think he saved that special behaviour just for you ?

My mind is boggling right now.

Not sure what is confusing about this? Your abusive STBXH is abusing his power of being an adult to try and ruin your relationship with your son while he is simultaneously abusing your son. STBXH is going to be in for a big fucking shock when the child tells CAFCAS they don't want to see their dad because he's an abusive tosser.

Get one of those tiny cameras off Amazon. Ir ask your eldest to record on the phone.

What?! Don't get cameras, just don't leave them alone with him and either move out or get him to

@DrinkFeckArseGirls I'm actually fucking shocked at your "advice" and that happens rarely. You want her to try and catch him out with a camera rather than just make sure her children don't get hurt? Jesus fucking wept

So you know that your EX was EA you but you don’t believe your son?

I think you need to believe him. If he can abuse you why do you find it hard to believe he would abuse his son?

Believe your child. Why would he make this up? Seems very believable if he's been abusive to you.

Easy to say "Your ex was EA, why dont you believe your son?!"

But the reality is that EA fucks with your mind. Gaslighting is, as the film from which it gets its name proves, crazy making. You dont know what to believe.

So when the man who has gaslighted and lied and manipulated you for years and year starts doing it again, you dont know what to believe.

The fact that the OP is even on here, basically asking "I'm right to believe my son aren't I?" shows how far she has come. Give her a fucking break!

I agree that you need to minimise time that they are alone, however if you want to stop him seeing the kids unaccompanied, you do need proof. So I would contact your doctor, school and potentially social services (although I would save that one until he has actually moved out) and get as much talking help as you can for you all. They will help you if and when it goes to court.

Why is it taking him that long to leave? Because it really is taking that long or because he is making you suffer until you have him back? Mine tried that.

If he is EA to you then what do you expect? He's obviously not that nice. I wouldn't leave them alone with him.
Just wondering if DC are all his?

Stbxh is a bully. I'd imagine since you're now splitting up he feels he's lost his 'power' over you, so he's extending it on to the next person possible. Presumably your eldest doesn't have to be pushed out of the way of oncoming traffic at 11? Most kids are starting to make their own way to school and back then (within reason). I also doubt stbxh 'accidentally' swears at his boss when he feels he's not listening properly? Its amazing how some grown adults manage to not display 'shitty behaviour' when their paycheck depends on it, but can't seem to contain it when it doesn't 🙄. He's a dickhead and you know he's a dickhead, and presumably he's now being a dickhead to eldest DC as he's well aware he's a dickhead too.

Thank you everyone
And wow, yes, it’s nuts that I have to ask on here if I am right to believe my dc. That’s how much this man has messed with my head.
I believe my dc. Even though stbxh comes up with his bull crap, in fact his EA of me was the same, he would do something nasty, then pretend it didn’t happen, say my mind had totally made it up. He had always said I’m over sensitive and mental due to losing my parents at a young age, he says I’ll never be normal and my past makes me see things differently. Thank goodness I know this is nonsense. I have no diagnosis of any MH and have a job friends etc whereas he is a loner.
@PyongyangKipperbang - you are spot on that is exactly my situation.

He keeps saying he’s leaving soon and getting a place to live. Not sure if he’s messing with my head and not planning to go. Time will tell. I’ve spoken to a lawyer if he’s not gone by set date then they will apply for occupation order.

Dc are 11, 8 and 5 - he’s ok with the younger ones. My older one has seen him call me names and treat me badly.

I think it’s gloves off time, OP. He’s not going to leave unless you force him out. I’d seek legal advice and get him out of the home as soon as possible.

What makes you say that @BlackCatSleeping?
Thank you

I just think that if he was going to leave, he would have already left. What’s he waiting for? He could have found somewhere temporary to live while he was hunting for a place.

But I missed your last post and it’s good you have a lawyer and a plan if he doesn’t leave. I don’t think the current situation is good for any of you.

I think you need to be doing something like speaking to a family lawyer or even SS. It needs to be out in the open . This is very serious imv or would at least involve SS if it came out. It's cruel to DS to keep it a shameful family secret. This suits Ex . Get advice. Get it out there.

We have had ss and police involved who have welfare checked the dc and me
Ss Same
Both seem happy with the idea that if he’s leaving then wait for him to go.

Oh, good.
Hope you can get rid soon.