Completely overwhelmed and burnt out :(

[ladybuglou]

Hi everyone

I'm needing some tips or tricks, or even a good talking to to help me down from feeling constantly bloody overwhelmed.

I have chronic fatigue along with fibromyalgia and mental health issues. I have a 2 year old toddler and I'm lucky that I am home all day, as well as having 2 hours nursery for her most weekdays (it's a 20 minute walk to nursery and home again and same to pick up, so I do find this tough). Hubby is a gem and does as much as possible but works at a football club so it means he works nights at matches as well as weekends, plus his commute is 60-75 minutes each way, so he's limited in what he can do. We don't have a great deal of family support as I lost my mum a few years back, don't have a great relationship with my dad and my mother in law is very ill and on dialysis (husbands father passed away many years ago)

I just feel constantly overwhelmed by everything I need to do. It feels like my To Do list is so daunting and so big compared to my energy. I also rarely get time to myself for any self care so that makes me feel more burnt out. I feel as though the house is constant chaos, even though I managed to do a massive declutter last year. We have a morning and evening routine that keeps on top of laundry (though the clean stuff tends to pile up until I have energy to fold and put away), dishwasher, wiping work tops, quick bathroom wipe...but anything beyond that like dusting, hoovering, cleaning fridge etc is just such a massive drain and tends to get put off and put off. Even meal prep is a overwhelm at the mo.

I feel as though I'm never doing enough for my daughter either. I get so exhausted I have to just zone out and let her amuse herself or watch TV. I do try to do activities with her but I can never last as long as I would like or do active things which she loves to do - she's always full of hyperactive energy. Or I end up trying to do some of the massive to do list (deal with paperwork, grocery shopping, dealing with the mould round our windows so it doesnt make us ill, gardening, house repairs, tidying up, all the usual guff)

I guess I just constantly feel like I'm failing and I'm struggling to find a way to get out of this pit of overwhelm and exhaustion! I know there are a lot of wonderful mums on here who will have been through similar or even can see things from an outsider's perspective, so I wanted to share this and get some feedback.

Thanks so much for reading

Lou x

Could you change her nursery hours to do a longer day/couple of days each week? Two hours a day isn’t really long enough for you to get anything done. Small kids are very tiring! The only way I cope is by letting everything get a bit messy, many things are not done the way they used to be, but the kids are looked after!

A 20 minute walk for a 2 hour nursery session is insane. You must get home and almost have to turn around and go back again to pick her up. It also must eat up most of the day. No wonder you don’t feel like you don’t have any time to get stuff done. I’d change this immediately and do at least 1 but ideally if you can afford it, 2-3 full days a week. Grocery shopping, if you’re not already then do it online. Maybe your DH could take responsibility for that and do it at work- he could do it on his phone at lunch. If you can afford it then a robot vacuum is great for keeping on top of day to day dirt. Also lower your housekeeping standards! But mostly I think it’s your nursery routine that’s making it difficult. I’d personally find it easier to have no childcare at all and try do stuff during naps than to do what you’re doing.

If the nursery days/times are not changeable, could you find somewhere close by to sit and relax/read/have a cuppa. Cuts the amount of walking and also carves out some me time.

Thank you so much for replying hugsandpastries, ShyTown and MrsL2016

The nursery is a council one, I was lucky to get a place as there are only 2 nurseries in my town that could take under 2s (she was 18 months when she started) and there were so few places. My Health Visitor helped me get a place as I was struggling to manage the full day with her because she's so hyper and I was struggling with PND alongside my other issues.

She loves the nursery and it has helped her incredibly, and I do like being able to see other mums and have a chat, plus the routine helps too. I wish I could change the hours, but she's not due more hours until she turns 3 next year. I think you are right though, it's definitely the thing causing me the most issue. She's beginning to drop her only nap now too, leaving me even less time!

MrsL, great idea, I will have a wander nearby tomorrow and see what's within a short distance :)

Not sure if this is an option financially OP, but do you think you could afford a cleaner? Even once a fortnight or something? Just to take the edge off.

I have a similar condition that causes chronic pain and exhaustion. If it was me I'd take a blanket and go lie down in a nearby park, maybe read or close my eyes and meditate. Sitting up for 2 hours at a cafe would take a lot out of me.

I physically can't vaccum so my robot vaccum is great. I got a fairly basic model and just turn it on a few mornings a week as we leave for the school run. If you can afford it I'd highly recommend getting one. Again if you can afford it a cleaner is a great idea.

I try to get a little folding done every day as I can't do much at once. I steam a sitcom or listen to music to distract me from the pain folding causes. I make sure on bad days I still get a little done so there's not so much to do when I have an OK day that I do too much and crash.

On really bad days I get a pillow and lie down to play with the kids. We spend time reading in my bed and I have a little table the right height that I can put beside the couch and lie down while they build or draw on it. That way I can interact and play with them in a way that causes the least pain.

I also cope better when I take time to meditate while they watch TV. Even just 15 minutes can help me. Its much more restful for me to lie down and meditate then to lie down and watch TV or read a book. My mind needs that break.

Also I don't know what your on medication wise or how well you sleep. But I've always found sleep the best thing to help my pain. I can't take pain killers more than 1 or 2 doses a month because of how my body reacts so I use either sedating anti histamines or sedating anti depressants to get me to sleep. If your sleep is poor it might be worth discussing these options with your doctor or a pharmacist. It's so much harder to cope when you're sleep deprived on top of the fibromyalgia fatigue.

I feel like I'm constantly struggling and failing too.

Posted too soon.

I feel like Ive struggled and failed at being a good enough mum for the last 8 years. We have 3 kids, 8 and under now. But I know I'm my worst critic and I know my kids are healthy and happy. I know they love me deeply and feel like I'm their safe place. They come to me with their problems and they know I'll always be there for them. So despite not being able to be the mum I wanted so much to be, if I look at them logically and ignore the guilty judgmental voice I can see Ive been a much better mum then I think I have.

Just wanted to say I understand. I have really bad anemia. I'm so unwell at the moment I can't even take my DD to school. I muddle through the basics everyday and wish I had the energy to socialise and leave the house. I am worn out like you. I'm tired. I have a list as long as you can imagine. I want to paint my kitchen and garden fences. The paints just sat waiting. My partner sounds like yours. He does his very best to help and is working home at the moment to help me. But I hate it. Not being able to be independent is frustrating. I just wanted to say you are not alone. I'm really down at the moment x