How to stop MIL becoming an issue

[SparkleUK]

Hi all,

Now I know babies are exciting but what is it about them that sends people absolutely crazy at times?! Just after some advice if anyone has had a MIL who was potentially/was an issue and how they handled them/stock excuses!

She first came the day after I'd been discharged from hospital after nigh on forcing her way, bearing in mind we were discharged at 11.30pm on the night before and he was only 2 days old. No consideration for how tired I was or that it was our first proper night with him alone.

When she came she wanted to grab him straight away, kissed him twice (she gets coldsores), asked to feed him and then wanted to change him. Thankfully didn't stay long as my stress levels were high! Doesn't sound a lot but when you've waited this long to meet baby then have someone wanting to take over is scary!

Today, OH's brother arranged with us to come over. He's lovely so we were really excited, however turns out MIL invited herself over with him, didn't ask or make us aware she was coming. She literally stood hovering over him for ages when he was asleep, was practically sat on my knee trying to stare at him when she sat down and was telling OH's brother he'd be getting a hold rather than waiting to see if one would be offered - I don't think babies should be disturbed when asleep. She was encouraging OH's brother to film him 'when he moved' even though he was starting to get distressed so it was a video of him squirming in bother.
Then, whilst he was still trying to sleep and facing the wall side of his basket, she started hanging right over him with her massive phone directly in and above his head. OH asked her not to and to move to the bottom of the basket in case she dropped the phone on his head or disturbed him but she insisted she wouldn't and moved closer over his head. OH put his hand under the phone to block the camera so she stormed promptly out of the house!

How do I stop her becoming an overbearing issue? These things sound small but they're still disrespectful and I want to nip it in the bud now. We all parent differently and have different barriers so it's just how I feel!

Consistency. Set boundaries and stick to them. Make sure you're on the same page as your DH so that he can be the one to step in.

My MIL used to do the hovering right over the baby thing, especially whenever someone else in the family was holding him. She would basically be sat on their lap trying to get as close as possible. We just made a joke of it and asked her to move away. She got better. She was just excited!! Sounds like theres a lot more going on in your case though.

Thank you, making a joke might be worth a go for next time but it depends how long she might take a huff for as she's been in a permanent one with OH's dad for years so can hold a grudge 🙈
I just feel slightly annoyed that there's quite a few people who haven't met him yet because they're waiting to be invited and she's sneaking in extra visits when she's not invited.
I keep telling OH how I feel so he will thankfully step in!

Defo DH thst handles this one!
Congrats on your new baby!

I don't understand these MILs who do this to their daughtersILs. Don't they remember what it was like when they just gave birth? As they are 'Mothers'-In-Law, you really wouldn't expect this behaviour from a fellow mother.

Thank you. It's slightly strange!

We've just found out she's been messaging another of OH's brothers today moaning that she didn't feel welcome because we wouldn't let anyone hold him (we explained he was tired and needed to rest)
Nothing as strange as family!

She’s excited that her baby has had a baby. It sounds like you are treating her like a random stranger. Let her be excited and feel involved.

She wanted to look at him, hold him and take photos. I honestly do not see what’s wrong with that.

I can see it from both sides. She honestly just sounds excited. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute. Your child has had a baby....
Honestly a sleeping baby will sleep anywhere. Let them enjoy baby. Let them hold baby and let them take photos. Its their moment too.

Thay said if it becomes overbearing or over whelming. Get your husband to speak to her

You must be clear about the no kissing thing. Particularly his hands and face. There can be very serious complications from small babies contracting herpes.
As for the rest, get your DH to police things, it sounds like he’s already made a start.

It’s very annoying to have someone hovering when you are holding or feeding a baby. Pull her up on it when she does it to other people “Julie, you’re crowding poor Nanna! Let her enjoy her cuddle!”

These are very early days, of course family are excited but their hands on involvement grows when babies become more independent. Just now, your baby is most secure and unstressed when he can smell you when awake. We are mammals. Newborns are pretty inseparable from their mothers at first.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/neonatal-herpes/

You sound a bit OTT. Is this your PFB?

I get the not kissing thing but it sounds like she's an excited first time granny and just wanting love your child.

Poor granny
She’s just excited
And you sound a bit precious
Everyone ‘has a hold’ in our family!!

Say no kidding and always wash hands thoroughly but other than that I see the behaviour as completely normal. She wants to be an involved grandparent, shes proud happy and excited. You are tired stressed and havent quite got to grips with the reality of the baby bring here. In the street people peer into your pram and admire your baby, they smile and talk to it. Be happy about it. You could have a family who want no contact will never show kindness or interest, never watch the baby in a couple of months whilst you have a nap. I know what I'd prefer.

I would have ZERO qualms about telling somebody with herpes to keep their mouth away from my beautiful child.
What she did was completely unacceptable and potentially life threatening.

However, the rest of the stuff just sounds like her being an excited granny and I couldn't get too worked up about. Let her embrace her new role.

But do NOT back down about her kissing. She should be washing her hands and keeping her mouth well away from the lot of you.

Has your mum visited?
You sounds new mum precious. Lots of us have been there but once you're through it you get perspective.
You're a mum to a son yourself. How would you like to be treated if he has children himself one day?
My mum and my MIL came to the hospital for the same visiting session 18 hours after DC1 was born. I had an awful delivery. But it's fair for them both to want to meet their new grandchild.

Absolutely agree on kissing and also hand hygiene though.

*kissing

To be honest, very new babies once fed or when asleep don't care too much eho holds them to be honest. And they tend to sleep loads so plenty of chance for family cuddles.

If she doesnt currently have a cold sore there is no risk. I get cold sores but that doesnt mean I'm never going to kiss my baby! A large proportion of the population get them, you just need to be sensible.
I understand how you feel though. I have a 15wo and feel extremely protective. I don't mind my MIL holding him or taking photos but find it hard to stomach the outdated advice she gives me (put him to sleep on his side, give him water, leave him outside in his buggy so he gets fresh air etc)

GetTheSprinkles - I got outdated advice from my own mother and all quarters as well as from MIL.
People are always so down on the MIL. So depressing for the mothers of boys on here.

Congrats on your new baby!
I could've written your post about my MIL, coldsores and all! Apart from she turned up at the hospital uninvited when I asked for no visitors despite saying she wouldn't. She even admitted tricking DP into saying which hospital we were at by pretending a friend was asking. I think she thought I would feel so awkward about it that I wouldn't say anything, but I put my foot down and said I wouldn't speak to her again without an apology. After weeks of silence she begrudgingly apologised (by text), I accepted her apology immediately as I just wanted her to see she was in the wrong iyswim. She hasn't tried anything like that since, the fact I stood up to her seemed to really shock her.
So long story short the key is to put firm boundaries in place early on. You are the new mother, you are in charge here and MIL has to stick to your rules. If she does something that annoys you, tell her in a firm but polite way - don't phrase it as a question, just tell her straight. After the first few awkward times, it will get easier and MIL will know where she stands. A bit of awkwardness now will save years of power struggling.
MIL also turned up uninvited at my SIL's labour, she never said how she felt and has spent years trying to redeem her authority and feeling overpowered.

Hope you manage to get it sorted!

Have DH put boundaries down too. Don't let him leave it all up to you.

For people saying OP is being precious or whatever, it's about more than the baby. Giving birth isn't a walk in the park. New mums should be allowed to be with whomever they want for a while afterwards. What happened to being a good visitor?

Geez, what is wrong with these MIL? Stay the fuck away until you're invited - don't out stay your welcome and ask before you touch or pick up the baby! I'm a MIL and Granny and because I followed these rules, I have a happy and healthy relationship with my DIL. Boundaries people. Boundaries.