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Parenting

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Original poster

How long did it take you to bond with your 2nd child?

20 replies

HulaHoop2 · 06/03/2020 15:35

Looking for reassurance! My son is nearly 2 and my daughter is five months. Without a doubt, I love her as much as I love him...but not in the same way. I don’t feel like I have bonded with her yet because, well, there’s nothing to distinguish her from any other baby so far. She eats, she sleeps, she poops and she screams. Sometimes, she smiles a bit, but only for a few minutes. I seem to remember her brother being a lot more interactive at this age.

In any case, I have to admit that I’m not really enjoying the baby stage this time around, perhaps because I don’t have the time or energy, and I often find myself just sort of switching off and going through the motions of taking care of her. At the end of the day, when my son is in bed, I sometimes feel like I’m looking at her for the first time that day, even if I’ve been carrying her around all day. It makes me feel so guilty! I desperately want to feel as enthusiastic about her as I did (and still do) with her brother, but I just don’t. It makes me wonder if I made a mistake in having her. It’s not fair to her that I can’t (and don’t really want to) give her my full attention.

If you felt the same about your second child, how long did it take you to really bond with them? What was the turning point?

(Some nurses have suggested I could have PND but I’m not sure. I am a bit wary of the idea that if you are not enjoying every single aspect of motherhood, there must be something wrong with you. But I admit it’s a possibility for me).

OP posts:

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mypoorfurbaby · 06/03/2020 15:43

It took me a while.
She was induced early due to OC and we'd been warned that she might be still born so I'd emotionally detached.

Isadora2007 · 06/03/2020 15:46

To be honest it was instant. That hadn’t been the case with my first- but for me my struggle had been in grieving for my loss of “me” and becoming Mum so each child thereafter was born to “mum” me and not “me” me..: so it was instant.
Maybe PND is a possibility?

Aintlifelikethat · 06/03/2020 15:51

Sorry, I can't offer any advice but I'm interested in the replies because I feel the same. My DD is only 6 weeks old but I keep wondering when I'll feel that bond. I care for her and look after her but don't have that overwhelming love I had for my first. I wonder if it's just not having the time to sit and bond like with my first?

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Teacup34 · 06/03/2020 15:53

I bonded straight away with my 2nd my first took longer but I had a difficult labour and just felt overwhelmed. I think by 5 months you should have bonded but I'm no expert. To me it sounds like PND and you should have a chat with your gp. I hope you feel better about things soon 💐

Original poster

HulaHoop2 · 06/03/2020 16:07

Do you really think it’s PND? I’m more inclined to think it’s normal but that I just feel super guilty about it.

OP posts:

mypoorfurbaby · 06/03/2020 19:24

Don't feel guilty!

Maybe talk to your dr about it

If I hadn't have felt I had to breastfeed no.2 because I fed no.1 I think it would have taken me longer.

I didn't think anyone had noticed my distance from her until my husband said something years later about how long it took me to bind wiTh her

WinterCat · 06/03/2020 19:25

Immediately with DC2. It took quite a while with DC1 and DC4 though.

cptartapp · 06/03/2020 19:29

My first took longer tbh because I was still in shock. Everything with DC2 was easier all round.

Roselilly36 · 06/03/2020 19:33

Instantly for me with both of my DS’s.

Don’t feel guilty OP there could be many reasons why you feel this way, traumatic birth, PND, tiredness/exhaustion etc.

You clearly love both of your children, the bond is there. Speak to your HCP who may be able to offer advice & support.

ElspethFlashman · 06/03/2020 19:35

I went to the doctor at 12 months. Felt really like I was just going through the motions. Occasionally just felt like I was babysitting.

She told my I had atypical PND and put me on tablets.

After 6 months my feelings had started to change.

By the 2 year mark I was besotted.

Wish I had gone to the GP earlier tbh.

But I think when it's your 2nd it's very hard to see the wood for the trees cos youre so fantastically busy. It's not as if you're laying in a darkened room, thinking terrible thoughts. You don't have time! I was this perpetual motion machine, but in reality I was becoming a disassociated "Mummy Robot" with #2. I was not like that with #1.

crazydiamond222 · 06/03/2020 19:39

To be honest what you say does not strike me as PND but more the tiredness of looking after a 2 year old and a baby. I think it is common to feel you are just going through the motions when you have a lot to deal with.

Do you have much alone time with your daughter or time for yourself? If you can maybe you could put your son in nursery for a couple of mornings so you can give yourself some downtime and then see how you feel about your relationship with your daughter.

ParkheadParadise · 06/03/2020 19:40

I had a hard time emotionally when pregnant with dd2. I told the midwife I didn't want to hold the baby when she was born, told her to give the baby to DH.
I actually did hold her, I practically pulled her out the midwives arms.

I struggled to accept dd2 was now here. DH had a year off work when she was born so he did a lot of the caring. Gradually over time I did bond. She's 4 now and the best thing to happen to us.

Tulio · 06/03/2020 19:40

I feel the same about the baby stage not being as wonderful the second time around, you just don’t have the time to marvel at every little thing they do, toddlers don’t allow for that haha.

I definitely grow to love my children more and more with each new stage, so I wouldn’t worry! My second is six months now and giving kisses and grabbing my face and I love him more than I did a month ago for sure haha!

Reythemamajedi · 06/03/2020 19:44

18 months. She was premature and I think that was part of it, also the extreme tiredness and I had pnd.
But it was hard to admit and people don't talk about it.
Love her to bits now, sometimes more than my 1st born 😂

SuddenArborealStop · 06/03/2020 19:48

DD is only four weeks but I feel the same so far, we have had a difficult time of it though so I'm not sure if I'm not allowing myself to bond or if it's just the boring newborn stage...

AsAnActualWoman · 06/03/2020 19:49

We only really started bonding when I went on antidepressants. Citalopram is excellent.
I think because my oldest was very young still, it was too much to have this baby. I love her so much and now get that warm feeling inside when I cuddle her. I do worry that I've damaged our bond though, she much prefers her Dad.

Original poster

HulaHoop2 · 07/03/2020 03:36

All your replies have been reassuring!

I’m going to look into the possibility that it’s PND but I really don’t think so. Also, I am not at all keen on taking antidepressants again as I was on them for pretty much all of my 20s.

I genuinely think my problem is just lack of time. There is so much to do that I can’t afford to just sit there watching her playing on her mat for longer than a few minutes.

Today while my son was at nursery I tried to spend more time interacting with her. It’s true that she’s not as responsive as my son was, so it feels less rewarding, but I am sure it will come eventually.

OP posts:

Minai · 07/03/2020 09:04

I bonded with him straight away (unlike with my first which took months) but the love was very different. I felt like I loved my first because of who he is, our shared experiences etc as well as the instinctive mother love. And with newborn ds2 I didn’t have that, just the pure mothers love. It’s hard to love them in the same way when one is so full of personality and funniness and the other is just a newborn squish that just eats, sleeps and poops. It will come though. Give it time.

Smurfy23 · 07/03/2020 23:52

It took me a bit longer. With dd1 it was instant but dd2 it wasnt there but did creep up. Id had prenatal anxiety and depression throughout the pregnancy.

A defining moment was when she got really sick and i saw her very differently- as this tiny little thing who really needed me to step up and protect her and help get her better.

DappledThings · 08/03/2020 07:22

A few weeks. Definitely longer than my first. For me I think it was really babies are quite boring. Especially in such stark comparison to my first who was nearly two when my second was born. He was an early talker and at the age of doing something new or hilarious or clever every day. And she was just a sleeping, feeding, pooing little thing.

But she was always a good feeder and I loved breastfeeding so that really helped. And now they are 4 and 2 and thick as thieves and wonderful.

I think it is quite common. But then people also go other way and find it hard to be so interested in their toddler for a bit when they have a newborn. I think both sides of it are very normal.

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