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Original poster

Sensitive subject. *abortion*

20 replies

Babychino · 05/03/2020 10:53

Good morning.
I am so emotional and at a loss with what to do. I have no one to ask or turn to.
I currently have a 5 year old and soon to be 2 year old. My youngest unfortunately has kidney disease and in need of an urgent transplant as soon as he turns 2. 2 days ago i found out i am pregnant (i am on the pill). I am going to be my sons donor as soon as he is 2, been pregnant would stop that from happening. My question is, would you take a life to potentially save the life of your child? Would you keep the pregnancy, wait a bit longer for the transplant which there is a high chance it would put him in complete kidney failure.
Please no nasty comments please, i am struggling enough as it is.
Thank you

OP posts:
GrumpysOtherHalf · 05/03/2020 11:00

You have my sympathies op, what a situation to be in.

You need to ask yourself if you want another child, as in do YOU want another. Would you be able to manage with three children? Is it something you've planned on in the future? What has your partner said?

Bingeslayer · 05/03/2020 11:02

Obviously cannot answer for you but if i was in that position i would have an abortion.
My reasons being
1.Was taking birth control to prevent pregnancy in first place.
2.Your child needs this transplant.
I always used to be anti abortion and still am against using it as birth control but I have had horrendous pnd after my 2 dc and if I did fall pregnant again (sterilised 7 years so very unlikely) I would terminate.
Be kind to yourself whatever you decide x

Original poster
Babychino · 05/03/2020 11:03

Thanks for a response.
I have always wanted more children and even more so after my mother in law passed away last year. We had talked about more children but not untill our son was in recovery but unfortunately its come about now. My partner is also at a loss with it all, we want our son to be ok and healty as can be but were worried about the constant guilt we would feel if i was to have a termination :(

OP posts:
GrumpysOtherHalf · 05/03/2020 11:08

Would it be gravely dangerous for your 2 year old to wait until you are fit after having another child?

If so, for me I would feel I have no choice but to terminate.

HoppingPavlova · 05/03/2020 11:09

No one can tell you what to do. There is no right or wrong in this situation.

If it were me, I would prioritise the child I already have that is here. But it’s not me and you have to do whatever you think is best.

Daisydaisy3 · 05/03/2020 11:20

For me you prioritise the child you have. The thought of holding off on saving my child to have another wouldn't sit comfortably with me.
You also need to consider the longer term implications of how your son will be after the transplant and taking care of him, plus your 5 year old all whilst being pregnant, I think either one or both kids would lose out as you will be tired from the pregnancy and not able to give them the attention they need.
Why not wait a year or two and then make a decision on whether 3 children would be manageable and fair to your family set up x

cheesecakeorchocolatecake · 05/03/2020 11:22

Oh OP what an awful situation you're in.
In your shoes, I think I would chose to terminate so you can help your youngest DC. They are here, and they need you. Much love Thanks

purpleme12 · 05/03/2020 11:26

Oh gosh this sounds so hard
I think I would be leaning towards an abortion just in case your child goes into kidney disease but so so hard
Thinking of you

TeddyIsaHe · 05/03/2020 11:26

Oh god op, I really feel for you.

I can only give you what I would do in this situation, and I would prioritise the child I already have over an unborn foetus. But it is incredibly hard to make the decision.

LonginesPrime · 05/03/2020 11:35

My youngest unfortunately has kidney disease and in need of Obviously it's completely your decision, OP, but since you e asked for opinions, mine is that the urgency of your DS's medical needs would make this a no-brainier for me.

would you take a life to potentially save the life of your child?

It's not taking a life like killing someone in the street, is it? You're talking about using your body to grow a foetus. Your body is already earmarked for something amazing and critically important to your existing family.

I think you need to stop looking at this as if you're 'killing a baby' and start being a bit more logical and scientific about this - you are already using your body for something else and you can't physically do everything as you only have one body.

It's a shit situation to be in and I do sympathise, but I think you're giving yourself a far harder time than you should because you're blinded by the guilt you feel. Thanks

bengalcat · 05/03/2020 11:36

On the information you've given us if I was in your your position I'd terminate .
However , I would want to know from my childs paediatrician how soon my child should have their transplant ( you've mentioned urgent I know ) , what the consequences of a potential delay would have for them , how soon after a pregnancy could I be a donor .
I would balance the answers given to these questions with my/your abortion dilemma . If there's a significant detriment to your 2 year old child then however upsetting it is logic would favour supporting the living child not the unborn .
Am sorry for your situation and wishing you all the best .

Kanga83 · 05/03/2020 11:37

Only you can decide what is best. Absolutely no judgement from me, but my two have with genetic disorder and immunity compromising illnesses, and it is hard work . If I found out I was having a third, I would have a termination (and I have until recently been pro-life).

Considering the stress and turmoil you will have with the transplant, the aftercare, etc, in your shoes I would not go ahead. Either way, he will need a transplant and this can either be done sooner with a better chance of recovery, with a clear head to focus on his recovery or later, with more stress over his illness plus baby in tow.

It is a horrid situation to be in, one I dread to be in myself if I'm honest but as a mum to immunity compromised kids who are in and out of hospital, I would have to focus on those first.

If anyone judges you in this situation then quite frankly they are not worth your time.

Kanga83 · 05/03/2020 11:39

Re the guilt- I think mothers guilt will be there whether you have this baby now or not. Have you spoken to your son's transplant team for their guidance?

DesLynamsMoustache · 05/03/2020 11:41

I don't view it as taking a life and I don't think you should either. Focus on the children you have who are in the world and living and breathing and need you, IMO.

drivingtofrance · 05/03/2020 11:48

The children which already exist take priority.

If you are still wavering then speak to your son's doctors and find out how a delay in you being able to donate would affect son's outcome.

Also consider though how you will look after this extra baby whilst recovering yourself from major surgery, also a toddler recovering plus an older child.

You were taking the pill to prevent a pregnancy.

it would be an easy decision for me - but I am not you.

Sorry you are having to go through all of this Flowers

RainbowsandSnowdrops · 05/03/2020 12:28

I don't view it as taking a life and I don't think you should either. Focus on the children you have who are in the world and living and breathing and need you, IMO.

I agree with this. I would have the termination as soon as possible.

Hugtheduggee · 05/03/2020 23:56

I think there are a few questions you need to ask/answer to help you:

  • what would be the risk in waiting/what are the likely consequences (or possible consequences and how likely are they)
  • how soon after pregnancy could you be a donor
  • are they scheduling in the surgery for as soon as your little one turns 2, or could it be some months after that
  • how quickly after birth could you be a donor.
  • could someone else be a donor? Are there any other matches/what is the likelihood of a match before your be 'available' again.

If continuing with this pregnancy would make it highly likely or reasonably likely that your existing child wouldn't survive, then I'd terminate.

If however, the likelihood is that your little one will be fine, though maybe with a small increased risk of complications from delaying/using a different donor etc, then I'd proceed.

Basically, thrash it out with the doctors. Ultimately, their lives are not equal at the moment, because your existing child has awareness, feels pain, fear etc, so if 'choosing' one, that would guide me sadly. But if there was a way of safely having both, then I'd do that.

ArthurandJessie · 06/03/2020 02:43

I'm so sorry your in this situation! I don't think I would be able to terminate but none of us are in your shoes so we just don't know ! Just make sure you and hubby get all the answers you need from the transplant team before making any decisions and know whatever you do you've done it for the right reasons ! Really hope things work out for you and your family xxx

BreakfastAtLitanies · 06/03/2020 02:49

Would like to be another voice saying abortion is not taking a life, you are not killing a life, you are simply terminating something in the very early stages of MAYBE developing into a life (in many months time).

I would terminate. For me, the priority would be to keep existing children alive. Otherwise, if the worst happened while pregnant or recovering from birth to your existing child, there's a chance it would cause irreparable damage to the way you view and bond with a new baby.

MovinOnUp · 06/03/2020 02:50

In your position I would have the termination.
I'm sorry this has happened to you.

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