Staying calm with a toddler

[S12M]

Hi,

Any tips for keeping calm with a very demanding toddler? I know it comes with the territory but I'm struggling to cope at the moment. DS, nearly 2, was a very high needs baby - cried often, never seemed content, and wanted to be held constantly. He still doesn't sleep well and I co-sleep with him for half of the night. However, he is very restless and almost frantic at night and grabs at me constantly so I don't feel particularly well rested by morning! He wakes up at 5 often crying or screaming for something, and again wants to be on or pulling at me when we're downstairs.

He is very quick and impatient and starts crying if he doesn't get something straight away. I try to stay calm and talk in a low voice and explain what I'm doing but some mornings I feel like my head will explode!

He is talking and is very good at making clear what he wants. I think what I find hard is the constant, rough physical contact and the screaming if I don't react to what he wants straight away. I suppose lack of sleep makes it seem worse too.

I feel like I give him lots of physical contact and attention but it's not enough. My friends' kids all seem very chilled in comparison and they have some physical space from them!

Any advice/similar stories would be greatly appreciated :)

Stop co-sleeping and get some real sleep.

Jossina - really not helpful!

Hi OP, sorry to hear all this. I can empathise as my DS, nearly 3, was similar. Hes always been headstrong and tenacious about everything since he was a baby. The only difference was we didnt co sleep. That aside, bedtime for us was just a huge two hour battle every night till he exhausted himself so mu h he fell asleep. I came to dread it. I'll get flamed for this because anything more than ten mins screen time is frowned upon on here, but we put a portable dvd player in his room and took the side of his cot off.

That bedtime, which had previously had me on the floor sobbing, went a dream. He didnt go down for a while but was happy sitting in his room So we kept up with it.

After a while we dropped his nap, which helped him with going down quicker. Hes still a bad sleeper, wakes up 3 - 4 times in the night. But now just needs given his water bottle and he settles right back down.

This may not be for you, however basically what I'm saying is maybe lower your standards a bit and do what you need to do to get through this. It will get easier, you never hear of a teenager who wants to sleep in his parents bed (may be wrong lol).

What is his routine like? Wed have bath pjs, teeth, some down time then a glass of milk and bed. Keeping it the same we found helped

My 3 year old is similar. Really stubborn but also quite an anxious and sensitive child, which I think is a difficult mix. She's very demanding too and wants a lot of physical contact from me, which I find difficult at times as I also have a breastfed baby and get a bit touched out.

Staying calm is much easier when you are not completely exhausted. He is probably also tired from not having the best quality sleep. So, I would advise focusing on improving your nighttime routine and sleep, as some of the behaviours may improve with that. A solid routine is key, and also being really consistent. If you're not consistent (i.e. do what you say you're going to do, carry out threats), they learn to just ignore you. I would advise discussing with your health visitor.

Thanks for your replies, was feeling a bit desperate this morning! Just reassuring to hear I'm not alone with a little stubborn one :)
Bedtime is fine, goes down in cot for a few hours - it's the staying asleep later at night that's the problem! I will persevere with putting him back in the cot throughout the night, maybe start at the weekend when his dad can help too. We definitely need to change something at night because it's not working for either of us & we're both starting the day grumpy.

How are his daytime naps?

DD has a sippy cup in her cot during the night so if she gets thirsty she helps herself and settles back.

Hope things improve for you soon, I know how hard it is. DD was an awful baby and has (fingers crossed) calmed down now at 19 months.

It sounds like he is very overtired, I know how hard it is with sleep, it’s not as simple as just sleep train. When things get difficult you’ll do anything to try to get a few hours sleep. Does he have any allergies that could be causing him a tummy ache?

With my little girl, if she’s in a bad mood. It’s very much a case of getting the snacks out (very hangry little girl! Ha), and sometimes just putting on Peppa as it really calms her down.

Just be kind to yourself! It’s very likely that in a few months it could all settle down.

You have my sympathies...he sounds like a very similar character to my 3yo DD. Always battling sleep, very physical, very particular. It’s exhausting and can feel very lonely when friends’ children are happily playing and mine is always the one clinging off me, trying to drag me away. I don’t have any parenting advice - it sounds as if you’re already doing great and I feel like screaming when someone says “I just give mine a choice of A or B”...yeah tried that and many other approaches...DD just screams “No! I don’t want either of them!”. It makes you feel even more helpless when you read the books and it still doesn’t work!

In all honesty, I think it’s about your own sanity and preservation. I’ve realised DD is going to have to figure it out herself, adapt or find her tribe. If kids were plants - we can water them, plant them in the best soil, prune them etc but we don’t get to choose or change the type of plant we get.

Prioritise getting regular time for yourself - whether it’s putting your son in nursery for a couple of mornings a week or asking your other half to do bedtime and you hide away. As PP have said, I have also lowered my standards. I used to be staunchly anti-TV, but since she was 2 and dropped her nap, I’ve let DD watch TV after lunch for an hour or two instead. It’s my time to recharge - I often plan to do a list of chores that are impossible with her hanging off my legs, but more often have a cuppa and a browse.

It helped me also to practice counting to 5 before responding to the continuous shouts. DD goes straight from 0-60 over everything and will scream like it’s an emergency because her drink didn’t arrive the nanosecond she asked (shouted) for it. It left me feeling on edge until I realised that I don’t have to join in with her impatience. I feel more in control and much calmer by taking those 5 seconds before responding. Having said that, I’m human and have on occasion shouted “I just want to have a flipping wee!” in frustration.

If all else fails, I remember this clip and have a wry laugh

I have nothing to advise about the sleep thing but my dd2 was very demanding throughout the day. When she wanted something it had to be right now! Shes 4 now and totally different.

This is what I did. DD2: can I have a drink please? ME: yes, when I've finished washing the pots. DD2 no mummy now! (Cue crocodile tears starting) ME: (get down to her level) mummy is just washing the pots then I will get you your drink. If you want to cry while you wait that's fine or you could play and I'll fetch your drink in. If she chose to cry then fine. I ignored her. Finished what I was doing, got her the drink and said there you are. She soon learned that throwing a tantrum or shouting didnt make it come any faster.

If he has good speech and a good understanding of what you're saying, that could work for you

I used to bedshare but realised he was waking earlier and earlier to come and join me in bed! Getting tough helped him sleep through. Wake before 5 - he goes back to sleep in the cot. Wake after 5 (after waiting a while to see hopefully if he’ll settle again) lights on and we are up.

Is he getting too hot? My dd slept like a wriggle octopus when with us so we make sure we pull back the heavy covers (as we keep her warm as well) = much more restful night.

Even when in her own bed she needs a lot less than we do.

@AsMuchUseAsAMarzipanDildo yours sounds like mine, I also used TV to get a rest. Unfortunately, she now wants me to watch it with her all the time and cries if I try to leave, particularly when I need to have a shower or do the washing up. She also has horrendous tantrums at times... I really hope things get better for all of us!

Thanks for all your replies & tips, reading them has made me feel much better!
He has an hour nap in the middle of the day, always happy to go down for it. Probably should consider dropping it but it's nice to have an hour to myself!
Think we are in a cycle of him being overtired then his sleep is worse. As a baby, the more tired he got, the more hysterical he got.
Hopefully we'll all start getting some more sleep soon!