Unreasonable

[Ira29]

I'm a parent of 16 year old who in eyes of law is classed as responsible young adult yet by the same law I'm responsible as a parent for her until she's 18. School and GP behind my back, if I may say so since my daughter approached them for advice, have pushed her to go on these antidepressants that's well known for it's harmful side-effects..., I only find out when picking pieces up of consequences.. My argument is with school and GP... As a parent I feel stripped off my rights, I believe there are other ways they can deal with mental health issues before prescribing drugs to my child I'm unaware and can't input???

Any thoughts, similar experiences, advice??

Did she side-step talking to you because she was worried you wouldn’t be understanding or supportive?

Yes she did since after she finished her exams and did all school activities and went on holiday, I never got the same daughter back... And we did talk pretty much about everything before that...

I’m assuming she’s a 16 year old in college/6th form as opposed to high school? As you mention exams, assuming GCSE. I used to work on a support help desk at my university & do initial chars/assessments for students. Obviously a bit older but the same principles apply.

I think this is a really normal age for teenagers to start really gaining independence & trying taking control of their own health & lives to a certain degree. I can distinctly remember arranging my own appointments to discuss going on the pill at 16/17 (due to horrible periods & acne) & not involving my parents. I considered myself far too grown up to need my parents permission. In reality, I was just quite embarrassed to talk about heavy periods & acne with my mum at that age!

Yes, technically she’s under your care to 18 but she’s a young girl growing up & making some of her own choices about her body, mind & well-being. It’s great she has felt comfortable enough to speak to her school & GP. Many teenagers just internalise mental health issues. So look at the positives there. The GP hasn’t done anything wrong. 16 is the age of consent for medical treatment in the UK & because of this, your daughter had the right to discuss & choose treatment confidentially. For a 16-18 year old, the GP should weigh up if involving parents is in the minors best interests (considering things like violence, abuse, sexual abuse or trauma etc) but chances are, they’ll keep the visits & info confidential to your daughter.
The school I know less about obviously. But again, I imagine they work on similar principles of confidentiality to encourage their students to feel like they have someone to talk too who isn’t a family member.

As a parent, it’s a fine line between letting go & still asserting some control. I don’t think being cross or upset at your daughter or her school/GP is the best option here. You’ll push her away. Instead, I’d be trying to find a way to communicate and discuss the medication she’s on & the possible alternatives etc. But it’s her choice as to what route she takes. I really don’t like the idea of meds at 16 either but try to find out why she was offered them, why she chose them, did anyone talk to her about counselling? See how open she is to stopping the meds if the side effects are awful, talking to her GP about different ones or referrals etc.. do this however you can. Face to face, text, WhatsApp, email.. just try open those lines of communication somehow!

Good luck, try to remember how you felt as a teen & how you reacted to your own parents at that age. Your daughter has at least reached out to someone & acknowledged she needs some support. Hopefully, this can all turn round to a positive & the main aim is for her to feel better!

My issue is with medication called fluoxetin 20mg.... I'm aware of it and side effects and to consequences....my issue is with GP these days being in charge of prescribing it not knowing her as person at all... It's actually her first ever medication she's taken.. And I noticed change and it was too late by the time I realized what exactly she was on as by her Dr she's been advised that it's confidential between her and GP... I feel lost and helpless cause she refuses talk to me about meds and her GP....

I am so sorry, Ira, but there really isn't anything you can do.

It is right that anyone over the age of sixteen should be able to expect complete confidentiality from GP or anyone providing medical care.

I agree with you about Fluoxetine - about most antidepressants - but if she is carefully monitored by her GP and if she finds side effects too much, she doesn't have to stay on them.

It is a great pity that doctors are so ready to write out a prescription for these drugs without exploring other avenues first. It isn't just GPs, the same goes for mental health units; if a patient under the care of psychiatrists decides medication is not for them, they are discharged and advised to be re-referred if they have problems in future.

I don't know what the answer is but if your daughter is clinically depressed, psychotherapy/counselling could help her; GPs can refer for that but there is a limit on how many sessions are free (usually six or eight). There are charitable organisations which subsidise those who cannot afford to pay, Westminster Pastoral Foundation is one.

It's possible your daughter may be just going through a bad patch and need a helping hand so this situation could be transitory. I hope so.

Just be there for her, sympathetic, don't ask her too many questions but be prepared to listen if she wants to confide in you - she may prefer to confide in someone more neutral though.

She needs a stability zone where all is fairly calm, nurturing, non intrusive and non judgemental. You can provide that.

Thank you for your comments, I'm taking on board, it's all new to me... Ironically I watched programme few weeks ago about teenagers and menthal health... Not to realize our family would be facing same... I'm trying to keep it all together as much as I can (family, work), it's hard not going to lie, what's harder is I can't talk to her because she's chosen not to stay with us, I communicate to her via school officials who all they could say that it's not me, not my fault... I can't help but wonder where did I slip... I'm struggling to take it all in never you mind process what she's going through... Trying to accept that people who only known her for few months are trying to advise what's best for her, not knowing her completely... I struggle I know she does too...

I was in the same situation as your daughter. Desperate for help, parents didn't want me on medication, i was suicidal and talking therapy wasn't helping, i went behind their backs to the GP, got 40mg of fluoxetine and it genuinely saved my life. Im 27 now and my mother has admitted she fucked up, and should have just got me the help i needed rather than forcing me to lie and hide things from her. It took ages for our relationship to recover, i felt like she didn't believe me when i told her i needed help, or on bad days that she simply didn't care.

How old were you then? When did you discover you were having problems, have you always been trying to talk to your mother ? I'm trying to work out what is what... ??? All I know we had it spot on, she actually had her own view and opinions about these counseling sessions, I thought we had it good until about 5 weeks ago maybe less she was seeing school counselor..., so within 2 weeks tablets came in and 3 weeks later they completely turned her around for worse, suicidal thoughts and self harming... I don't think she had enough guidance and advice.... It just doesn't add up... What's worse I don't know what's hurting her, I can't help her, nobody is telling me nothing cause she's 16 and she's asked me not to contact her until she's ready... All I want is to help my daughter, to protect her and I can't cause confidentiality doesn't allow.... Makes us feel it's us that have done something wrong... But school assured it's nothing to do with us... I am honestly banging my head against the brick wall and listening to others experiences and trying to figure out what have I missed ???

I'd been struggling for years, first spoke to my mum at 14, ended up medicated at 15. The fluoxetine suited me fibe for 3 years, and then I came off it for a short while. When i went back on it i had suicidal urges that felt completely different to how I'd felt before, absolutely inorganic, so i came off the fluoxetine and went on sertraline instead.

To me, it sounds like your daughter hasn't been getting the support she needs and so has gone out to find it herself. This is a good thing! Antidepressants are a good thing. Id suggest telling her how proud you are that she's taken such strong steps to help herself, and let her get on with it.

Where is your DD living? Is she at boarding school or living with someone else?

Fluoxetine can be a lifesaver.

It sounds like your DD is going through a tough time and doesn't necessarily want to share all that with you at the moment, so it doesn't sound like you can be sure that she was pushed into taking the medication or that she isn't also having other forms of therapy.

She's staying with friends from school... I'm trying to understand, I'm rattling my brain like mad, simply because support has always been there for her, we always spoke about things, life generally, mental health all of that. I feel like whilst she's punishing herself for something we also got the ultimate punishment, I would be more than happy to work with her from distance and support until she gets better but not knowing at all out of blue suddenly to be pushed away and just sitting there and anticipating is a struggle... At what point does anyone has to tell something?? I knew last week she wasn't herself, she constantly slept, was tired.... Now I know why, medication was kicking in, I also knew 3 weeks prior she mentioned about Dr appointment and said its to do with her periods which was fine and I was proud for her be independent and sort such a things out herself... I did not in a million years seen this coming... All I want is to help even if that means giving her space but I haven't got an absolute clue what it's about unless I can't help but think I have done something terribly wrong, in this case not knowing is worse...

I think there's probably a lot more to this story that you're not telling us, tbh.

And regardless, you sound like you're making her mental health all about you. Maybe put your hurt feelings in a box, and focus on her. Write her a letter, tell her you love her, youre proud of her, that you know she's going through something and youre there if she needs you, and then leave her alone. If she's safe with her friends, then let her figure it out.

If she’s self harming or feeling like she wants to and it’s only started while on that particular med perhaps she needs to go back and get it swapped to a different tablet? There are so many options and the gp will know that it’s horses for courses.

Have you had the ‘I’m so proud of you and love you so much and am always here for your convo - without then two seconds later going in to give her all your concerns about her choices, as she will take that like an attack on her even though it’s not meant that way?

Can you do mum daughter stuff together like a spa day or massages or anything? Would she not be up for that? I know it’s dear but there are groupons and wowchers that may being the costs down. It could cheer her up if she’s struggling.
Don’t talk about meds while there though, make it a total break. She can be the one to talk to you if she wants to not the other way around.

I hope you find some way of helping her. Life is hard.

I think it's amazing she sought help, so many people don't.

I think it's quite normal to prescribe antidepressants even if they're deferred for counselling, just to deal with the symptoms until the counselling can start to help.

I think it's quite normal to prescribe antidepressants even if they're deferred for counselling

I'm surprised that they didn't refer to CAMHS as that's the policy for medication for under 18s where I am - I assumed that was the law but I guess it could just be our borough/GP policy.

OP, I agree that you're seeing this from your perspective which might limit the support your DD feels she could get from you - I get that you're shocked that things are happening without you and that she's like a different person and it's difficult for you, etc, but what your DD needs is to know you're there for her and that you're willing to communicate with her (or not) on her terms, not yours.

It sounds odd that she just went to live at friends and that you have to communicate through the school - is there no social worker involved who you could talk to? There's obviously a backstory but I think the key is to let her know you're there for her, whenever she wants to talk. I don't think fishing for information or sending clearly unwanted messages through the school is going to help.

I wish I could tell more about situation but I don't know what's about, nor does school as they rang back, they are as surprised as I'm since she's been a top student and a perfect daughter you can ask. Of course I'm happy that she clearly knows there are places to talk if anything is worrying her and she doesn't want me to know or worry us... Good on her that does shows she's taken a lot of things on board but how speaking to camhs for few weeks and straight on meds can so badly and quickly affect someone and change a person, I know it's that medicine and don't think she's been advised enough or guided enough cause easier for these good doers is just to prescribe meds...

So she's having counselling and is on medication? That's pretty much the standard treatment for depression. The doctors are doing everything right. Its been proven time and time again that the best treatment is a combined approach. The medication takes the edge off the symptoms and provides relief while the talking therapy addresses the underlying causes.

The fact that she's moved out suggests that the problem is at home, tbh.

It's been an overwhelming day... After being persistent (caring for someone you unconditionally love no matter what unless you come from different backgrounds where you are incapable to do so or have other priorities), school got back, so did camhs, also my daughter , heartbreaking for all of us... And I am grateful for the effort they all made... There is a long journey, recovery process. Coming from backgrounds of mental health issues and be open about it and making awareness about has and hasn't help and my bad as a parent trying my best for my children not to have any of it... It's been something that's not been caused by ourselves but brought upon us by extended family and friends, broke my heart hearing my daughter to say words all she wanted was to help..and she couldn't, we have a long journey ahead and this is a start. If I would not have been persistent I would not have found out nothing until end of next week, I think it's wrong, parents go through as much as pain as child if not more... Because there is always is that sense of guilt and failure.

Yes it’s her right. My mother could have posted this. I’ve grown up petrified constantly and suicidal. Go figure.