Son has no interest in me, obsessed with Dad

[Davymum94]

Hi everyone, my 14 month old son seems to be completely ambivalent with me and it's so flippin distressing I went back to work at 13 months and his dad took over staying at home with him. He was always way more interested in Dad than me, since he was a tiny baby & roars crying whenever Dad leaves the room. I was at home with him for 13 months and we always put it down to me being the "constant" and Dad dipping in and out from work himself causing the separation anxiety. Since I went back to work though it's even worse. He cries if I pick him up, cries if Dad leaves the room, is inconsolable if I put him to bed or get him up in the morning and inconsolable if Dad leaves the house. It's like he has no bond to me at all. I had really severe PPD for the first couple of months and as a result Dad did most of the nights with him, and I just really feel like I've caused this indifference he has towards me. I just don't know what to do about any of it and it's making me feel like such a failure as his mum. Has anyone experienced something similar? Thanks x

You need to watch and learn from your DH. I bet he plays with him more, talks to him, takes him out. My DS prefers me over my DH because he just seems to assume DS is either hungry or pooing if he cries and often leaves him in the bouncer or play mat for ages while doing something else!

Goodness Grumpy what an unpleasant response! You assume OP doesn’t know how to be attentive to her child just because your dh isn’t! Don’t judge others by his standards!
OP dad needs to help you with this issue. He can do this by being proactive in encouraging and nurturing the bond between the two of you.
Making lots of kind positive comments about you to ds, “aren’t we lucky to have such a lovely kind mummy?” “Mummy made you a lovely dinner, what a clever kind mummy” “mummy is brilliant at reading bedtime stories, lucky you ds!”
It all sounds cheesy but it makes a difference.
Also including you in activities with ds. And not giving in to ds when he screams for dad (in fact he must ignore that).
I went through this so I know how much it hurts. We overcame it as a family and ds and I are very close now.

It's only a phase. DD went through this when xDH became a SAHD. She was only tiny, and it didn't occur to me to be hurt. Sure enough, she came out the other side. And then proceeded to favour me for a while.

It will change as he gets older don’t worry. Both dds were like this with dh as he was at work all day. Please dont take it personal. Carry on trying to connect and show tenderness to him and as he gets older he will share his love out!

Kids can be complete go offs!

Jesus thanks for the horrible response @GrumpyHoonMain I'm sorry that your other half is failing you, but projecting your issues with them onto my post was incredibly unhelpful. You do realise that I am an actual person on the opposite end of your phone? A person who has expressed feeling incredibly distressed with the situation - and your response was to blame me for my son's behaviour? I mean you surely saw that I'm already blaming myself in the original post & you felt compelled to make me feel worse?

As I mentioned in my post, I was at home alone with him for 13 months when Dad worked and I spent the entirety of that time taking care of him in every way.

It sounds quite normal in that a child does tend to have a preferred parent. My DD would cry if I turned my back on her! I think the unusual aspect is that you were the primary carer, and it tends to be the primary carer they have the stronger attachment too. However your DH feeding him in the early stages may have shifted the attachment early on. Ultimately I wouldn’t worry, as it is almost certainly a phase.

You are absolutely not failing him as a mother, please don’t be so hard on yourself. Parenting is tough! I can 100% guarantee my youngest DD is going to prefer her dad when she’s out of the baby stage!

My DS1 has been like this for a few periods, I posted about it last year as it was really upsetting me. It is heartbreaking but it does get better and doesn’t last forever.
The thing that helps is spending time alone together without your partner there. My son seems to view me as the boring alternative to anyone more fun/exciting so I get rejected a lot. I’m not being much help but you are not alone and it is not your fault. 💐

Grumpy talks bullshit

Children do this, it’s interesting you mention about PND because I suffered terribly after the birth of my first born so DH took over as I couldn’t stand the contact of breast feeding and newborn snuggles everyone goes on about. It was truly a shit time.
Things improved massively around the 18mnth mark when I addressed my anxiety and depression. I took up running and was prescribed Citalopram. My relationship with my daughter changed massively. Obviously I always loved her but I had no connection to her, but as she grew and could communicate more, our bond developed.
It took me a long time to consider a second, but we tried, I became pregnant immediately and now 6yrs on we have a second and it couldn’t have been more different.
The key is, don’t be hard on yourself. It isn’t all smiles and warm fuzzy hugs. Anyone who tells you it’s your fault aren’t worth listening to

Oh this sounds tough. My DD has a similar phase, she was mixed fed and I would BF her in the night but she had bottles in the day. She went through a phase where she would only really smile for her dad, she would giggle and play with him but just blank me. He would bath her and do bed every day as she preferred him. She would also only take a bottle from him and she wouldn't take one from me or BF in the day. She basically wouldn't let me feed her when she was awake, it was so tough, I tried so hard and she just refused and I would get so stressed because she'd only just started weaning so wasn't eating much and she'd go all day while my DH was at work without drinking any milk. And then he'd walk in the door and she was all smiles and would happily take a bottle from him, it used to make me so upset.

Fast forward a few months and she won't take a bottle, will only let me BF her, will only let me put her to bed, only goes to me in the night, cries whenever I leave.

So what I'm trying to say is that this will change. I know it sounds patronising but everything is a phase. It's tough during it but it will pass. Sending you hugs

I know it's no consolation but having a 'preferred' parent is very common. It really doesn't mean that your lo doesn't love you or that you don't have a bond. My lo had a preference and lots of my friends lo's too and all have grown out of it and either become even handed between both parents or even switched to preferring the other parent.

I know it's a cliche but it really is a phase and it will pass. Don't doubt your lo's love for you, he loves you!

Yeah, it's nothing to do with him 'doing more' so ignore that. I think that PP is just having some issues of their own in terms of how much their partner does!

It's actually really common for there to be a preference like this IME, and it's more to do with the fact your son probably takes your presence and attention 'for granted' a bit - not intentionally, of course, but that's all he's known during that 13 months and as you said, you've always been a constant, whereas if your partner works and spends a lot less time with him overall just out of necessity, it's more of a novelty and he's secure in the knowledge you are there when he needs you.

It's certainly a phase and will pass, but it's natural to find it upsetting. Just keep on being the loving parent you are!

Hi OP, we have the opposite issue at home, in that DH was there more for DS 15 months than I was due to work, but I'm the preferred parent. He settles for me, gives me lots of kisses, wants to be with me etc and DH found it very upsetting to be constantly rejected even though he was there more for him.

I think part of it is developmental. Babies have a primary attachment and once that's solid they start to form more attachments. Over the last month we have noticed that DS doesn't always lunge for me when DH is holding him, and DH even got a rare kiss today. I also always talk positively about DH to him, don't know if that helps.

I know how hard it feels to be in your situation.
One thing I thought I was doing is concentrating on the mundane, the routine, the meals etc too much whereas my DH was more playful so I made an effort to be more playful with him, relax a bit and enjoy him more. I think it helped. But I also didn't exactly copy how my DH was, I played to my strengths and character more, reading stories, putting on silly voices, making up games. Just a thought.
This won't last forever. You will reestablish your place and you sound like a caring and lovely mummy x