How to Not Raise a Manchild

[measureformeasure]

There’s so many posts on here about useless husbands and partners, disrespectful and vile behaviour and abuse. I have a newborn son. Please tell me your best tips as to how to raise a little boy into a decent man.

Make him do laundry, hoovering, cleaning and cooking. Show him how you do it. Give him an allowance every month for doing all that and teach him how to budget. Don't hide it when you're unwell or upset, show him love and compassion when he is upset and unwell so he learns how to respond.

I'm sure I'll think of some others!

Seeing his father do all those things is probably the easiest path to enlightenment...

I reckon the most important thing is that his father is an excellent role model in this regard, and that your son sees first hand what an equal, respectful relationship looks like through his parents.

You need to do the opposite of how my mother and my MIL raised their children basically!

Do ensure your male partner (if you have one) models equality of household chores and caring.

Do expect your son to grow up knowing how to make his own breakfast, make cups of tea, cooking, sort own laundry, do cleaning chores etc etc introduced as soon as possible at age appropriate levels.

Don't do everything for your son and do allow him to make small failures

From babyhood do acknowledge and accept their feelings, and mirror these back to them eg "you feel upset / frightened etc because... it's okay to feel that way", and have the father do the same.

Obviously do check your own internalised sexism / misogyny / patriarchy in terms of your expectations and language. Eg be mindful of gendered toys, coloured clothes, decor, stationary etc and gendered language, eg 'boisterous, feisty etc'. Do encourage critical thinking of all of the above within your child when choosing toys, reading books or watching movies.

Do consider using a marker pen to change pronouns in fiction books being read to the baby / toddler. Eg make heroes and villains become female. Make some Cinderella types become male. I recently read an article about this and it's pretty transformative in shaping their opinions of gender roles.

My son (now 13) sees his father doing household jobs including the boring ones like making packed lunches, sorting laundry, ironing, buying pants as well as cooking/cleaning/shopping. Since he was little he's been taught to buy birthday card and presents, to do laundry, cook, and find his own stuff rather than just asking me where things are.
I'm not saying he's perfect, but last year I had to be away for work when DH had had foot surgery and ds sorted breakfast for them both, fed the dogs, organised himself, did the laundry every day, and cooked dinner for them both. I'm hoping he will grow up to be a capable adult!

I ‘forgot’ the boys had a penis. I taught them how to do all the house stuff, meal plan, cook etc.
Respect is earned.
Openness and honesty.
Remaining calm (that’s a hard one at times)

Didn’t do the gender bs with anything. When they said something about oh cannot because of, or penis portions, we would have a discussion about it.

I’ve raised both sexes. My daughters would have slaughtered me if the boys had gotten a free pass. Most of it I’ve done solo so had the wet dream chats as well!!

Tampax and stuff were never hidden away. In fact the boys do buy them.
If someone’s ill they pitch in more
During the early years and they’d ask for something to eat/drink id remind them about asking if other people want something. And as they got older, making the damn thing.
As they aged after several check the whatever to see what’s to eat, they now do and sort themselves, and others out.

I just raised them to be decent people who can live independently. It’s nice when you do things for each other. If you are able to, move your ass and do it then. That it’s ok to ask for help. Unless you talk about it things won’t change. To listen to what other people are saying. Sometimes comprises have to be made, unless they cross your boundaries. We are all unique in our own ways and shouldn’t be treated any less. Their opinion and personal space always mattered.

It’s okay to get angry/annoyed/frustrated just how you deal with it is what counts. However, if someone assaults you first it’s ok to defend yourself if you have to. After seeing a good friend of mine viciously beaten by his ex gf, I was weary about sending the message across that boys don’t hit girls. It was me who had to drag her off him as he’d been taught not to hurt girls. But then you don’t want to raise an abuser.

Thank you all. This has given me lots to think about. Before having a son I had thought I was fairly free from gender bias but it's brought it home to me that I do have some ingrained ideas about what boys should be/wear/do. It's strange as with my daughter I did everything I could to challenge female stereotypes.

I do have a DH. He does equal childcare and household chores (though he has to be reminded about the latter some of the time). Will have a chat with him to about this.

Agree so much with the replies. I often say 'I don't think a willy stops you doing/not doing things.' Admit your failings and that of their dad, and don't over mother them, girls seem more keen to do things themselves but boys will let things be done for them. I've always encouraged them to do things for themselves.